Kevin Hart Life Story

Guy Code

Lying will ruin your life. Lying will ruin your goddamn life.

Lying ruined my marriage. Lying ruined my goddamn marriage.

That's a lie, I cheated. Let's talk about it though, let's figure it out.

Don't judge me, let me explain.

Yes, yes people, I cheated. Am I ashamed of it? No. No I'm not. Do I wish that I can take it back? No. No I don't.

Let me tell you why. You can't evolve as a man without ever making a mistake. The only way for you to be perfect is to fuck up. I get it, I fucked up, don't cheat.

Whatever. Now, do I think cheating was the problem? No I don't. Cheating was not the problem. Lying about cheating was the problem.

If I had been honest about it, I might have worked it out. But I wasn't, I lied.

And I didn't just lie on myself. I put my best friend in my lie. Now I don't think that's a bad thing to do. Let me explain why. If you're my best friend, I shouldn't have to ask you to lie for me. I shouldn't have to ask for your permission for me to put you in my lie. You know why? 'Cause you're my best fucking friend, bitch. That's your job.

The day that we sign up and say that we're best friends, that means that my bullshit is your bullshit, and your bullshit is my bullshit.

If you're my real best friend, you should tell when I need you to lie for me by the look on my face. If I'm looking at you, and I'm not blinking,

If I'm like this



That's a goddamn sign.

It means the bitch got the drop on us, my back's up against the wall, this is not a test, it's the real deal, help me. Help. Me. Nigga!

Help me.

My friend Harry ignored all signs.

Let me tell you how shit hit the fair. I come into the house, right? It's like four in the morning. I'm drunk as shit, I have no balance, I'm all over the place rocking back and forth.

As soon as I come into the house, she wakes up, she goes off.

"You know what? I'm sick of this. I know you're probably out with some bitch. You'd probably be messing with some bitch."

Now I'm drunk, I don't want to respond, 'cause I don't have any balance. I'm rocking back and forth. You don't look believable when you're rocking back and forth. So I had to choose a stance in which I look believable. So I chose this.

I said, "let me tell you something."



"Ain't nobody with no bitch, okay you're wrong. Matter of fact to prove you wrong, I'm gonna call Harry. Harry's not expecting me to call right now, so Harry ain't got no reason to lie.

And, I'm going to put it on speaker phone. I'm about to make you feel stupid. Watch. Watch how fucking stupid you feel. Watch, watch this.

Harry. Harry. Real quick, don't lie." Let's stop right there. Let's just stop right there for a second.

What does that mean people? Lie. It means lie. Right now.

It means the bitch got the drop on us. My back's against the wall, this is not a test, it's the real deal, help me. Help. Me. Nigga!

Help me.

Harry ignored all signs. I'mma tell y'all exactly what Harry said.

I said, "Harry. Harry. Real quick, don't lie. Where are we coming from right now?"

He said, "maaaaaan, you was with that bitch with the fat ass."

"What? Oh no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No."

I was so fucking scared, I was so scared. This bitch was gonna kill me, she was gonna fucking kill me!

See but understand something. I'm not mad at Harry. Reason I'm not mad at Harry is because Harry has done some dumb shit but I understand who he is. See Harry must be the most smartest dumbest friend I've ever had in my life.

Let me tell y'all the most dumbest thing Harry's ever done.

Harry invented the code for us to let eachother know when we're around our woman. Basically whenever someone uses the code, it means don't say anything stupid, you might be on speaker phone. Don't say nothing dumb, the phone may be loud enough to where my girl can hear whatever you just saying. It means don't say anything that could jeopardize our relationship.

The code was, "man, I'm hungry as shit." That's the code people. "Man, I'm hungry as shit."

Here's what pissed me off about the code. Harry invented the fucking code! So there's no reason why Harry should ever mess up the code. Here's how Harry messes it up.

I'm in the car with my lady, I'm driving she's in the passenger seat. Harry calls me while I'm in the car. I got the Bluetooth shit in the car, so when my phone rings, the whole car rings.

Harry's name pops up on the dash board, I answer, "what up boy?"

"Kev, what's going on?"

"Ain't shit."

This is how I knew the conversation was about to take a turn for the worst. Here's how I know it was about to get filthy.

He said, "niiiggaaaa."

"Heeeyyy. He, Harryyyyy. Hey, hey. Man, I'm hungry as shit."

He said, "I'm not, I just ate."

"What?! What?! Harry!

I said man, I'm hungry as shit."

"Yo, you should get the foot long for five dollars."

"What the fuck? HARRY! HARRY!

I said man, I'm hungry as shit."

"Oh, that must mean you're ready to eat these white bitcheeeeeessss!"

"Oh. Oh no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I ain't eaten no white bitch. I ain't eaten no white bitch. I never did. Oh my god, no. Oh no."

Have y'all ever been in trouble with your girl to the point where you're afraid to look at her, but you can feel her staring at the side of your goddamn face?

I was so scared, I never looked at her.