Hold My Hand

1

there were screaming, and a lot of hand touching him. his head hurt, and he felt disoriented. he tried to move but the pain was excruciating enough to make him vomit.

he could hear the words “help,” “hospital,” and “please,” but that was the only thing that registered in his mind.

groaning, he laid stay still facing the sky. he could feel his eyelids starting to droop but someone was tapping his cheeks. he couldn’t take it any longer so he closed them.

the last thing he remembered were a set of firm hands holding his.

--

“Can I hold your hand, P?” Kongpob asks. They’re at one of the specialty stores at the mall looking for a gift for one of his nieces. Arthit has this incredulous look on his face like Kongpob asks him to kill a puppy. He already knows what’s coming even before Arthit opens his mouth.

    “Are you crazy?” Arthit harrumphs, looking all over the store. They’re the only ones inside aside from the one behind the cash register. “Keep your hands to yourself 0062.”

    He grins and shakes his head. It sure is fun to tease his senior from time to time. And Arthit thinks that all he does is tease him but in reality Kongpob is serious most of the time. So, the pang in his chest from the rejection is somewhat expected.

    Kongpob swallows and goes back to looking at some plush toys. His sister’s daughter just started school so he wanted to get her a little bit of something from her uncle.

    He picks a white stuffed toy cat and turns to Arthit.

    “What do you think of this, P?”

    “It’s cute,” Arthit smiles, and before Kongpob can put on a word he says, “I dare you to say something Kongpob and you’re dead.”

    He holds his hands in surrender and chuckles. They head towards the register and pays for the toy. Smiling, Kongpob thinks, just like you, P. Cute. He doesn’t voice it out because he knows Arthit will resort to physical violence.

    After paying they decide to have a break at a coffee shop. While walking, Kongpob can’t help but pinch himself. He does that from time to time. He still can’t believe that he’s dating Arthit.

    They have been together for a couple of months now, and everyday Kongpob wakes up in the morning smiling because he has Arthit now. He had been in love before, or so he thought. Maybe because Arthit is a man like him, but this is the first time he feels love in this magnitude – it’s enough to shake his whole world.

    But dating the same gender doesn’t come without repercussions. And dating Arthit does come with a couple. For one they can’t be too open about it, although the LGBT in Thailand is tolerated, it’s not wholly accepted. Sure there are a lot of people open about it, but there are also people who are against it. Kongpob is more than thankful to have surrounded himself with open minded people. This is something he knows his senior is anxious about – that people will judge them by just being together.

    Just like right now where Arthit is leading the way towards the coffee shop with him trailing behind. If someone who doesn’t know them looks they’d never think they’re a couple. And that hurts.

    Kongpob had tried putting his arm over Arthit’s shoulder one time they were on a date but Arthit just shrugged it and glared at him.

    Arthit had already publicized their relationship to their friends and their co-codes but his senior is still somewhat aloof in the PDA section. Kongpob understands, he’s just a tactile person. Growing up with two sisters, he got used to hugs, kisses to the cheek, and the likes. So he understands Arthit a little since his senior is an only child.

    But still, being okay with it doesn’t mean he’s not hurt – which he is. Every failed attempt on holding his boyfriend’s hand, every shrug of Arthit’s shoulders, every glare he gets – it hurts a little bit every time. But Kongpob is anything but stubborn and persistent. So, he masks the pain with his teasing and smirks and moves on.

--

The café is quite busy when they arrive. Kongpob spots an empty table near the wall and tells his boyfriend to just sit there and he’ll buy the drinks.

    “Don’t order me around, Kongpob,” Arthit pouts but follows anyway. “I’m your senior!”

    “So cute,” he mutters and smiles.

    Kongpob falls in line when he sees his boyfriend stand beside him. He raises an eyebrow and Arthit takes the toy they bought from him and goes back to their table without saying anything.

    He chuckles and shakes his head.

    Kongpob orders an iced coffee and pink milk for his Arthit. When he reaches their table his boyfriend looks annoyed. What is it this time? He thinks. He didn’t take long in ordering, he got their order right so.

    “What’s wrong, P?”

    “You’re what’s wrong!” Arthit exclaims, grabs his pink milk and sips at it like it personally offended him.

    “Is it that time of the month again, P?” he jokes which earns him a glare from Arthit.

    From a couple of tables over, he hears a collective giggle. Kongpob looks over and sees a group of girls whispering, looking at their table. He smiles politely and the girls squeal in delight. When he turns back to his boyfriend, Arthit has this murderous glare and he flinches. Guess there’s no kisses tonight.

    “Having fun, Mr. Popular?” Arthit seethes.

    “Having fun with you? Yes.” He smiles and takes a sip. “I’m always having fun when I’m with you, P.”

    Arthit sputters and blushes, “You – you’re crazy!”

    “Crazy for you, yes.” He says.

    “Kongpob!” His boyfriend avoids eye contact, and before he knows it, Arthit takes the toy and his drink and starts walking out of the store.

    He especially likes it when Arthit gets flustered like this, blushing down to his neck. It means that he’s not the only one feeling what he feels for the both of them. It eases his worries a little bit.

    Kongpob knows what he looks like, he’s been told by his parents and his sisters how good he looks. He became confident because of this. He’s not their school’s moon for nothing. He knows he looks – not to brag or anything, handsome. So, he knows why those girls were whispering and giggling. He’s flattered, yes, but at the same time his heart already belongs to someone. And that someone is hastily walking outside the store.

    Knowing that his boyfriend gets jealous makes him happy; also, if he doesn’t do anything about it, Arthit will surely punch him for real this time.

    He starts walking over to Arthit when one of the girls gets his attention. They start asking his name and whatnot while Kongpob looks over at his boyfriend who’s looking right back at him with increasing annoyance in his eyes.

    “I’m flattered ladies,” he smiles politely. “But I’m already taken.” He points outside to where Arthit has his arms crossed. He excuses himself and gets out, too.

    Arthit starts walking again and Kongpob catches up.

    “I like it when you get jealous, P.” he says.

    “Who – who said I was jealous?” Arthit’s voice gets an octave higher. He clears his throat and says, “You’re imagining things, 0062.”

    “Whatever you say, my sun.” he smiles at his boyfriend who gets flustered by the endearment. “Don’t worry, P. I only have eyes for you. I already told them I’m taken.”

    Kongpob watches his senior who’s biting his lips. He knows Arthit is trying not to smile.

    “You’re ridiculous you know that?”

    Kongpob just laughs and says, “Can I hold your hand, P?”

    “In your dreams.”