The Little Black Book for Girlz: A Book on Healthy Sexuality

Sex Details

Questions and answers compiled from the Arcade Down & Dirty discussion group facilitated by Jessica Harrod and Bridget Sinclair, Youth Services Workers, St. Stephen’s Community House

Q. What is good sex?
A. If you ask different women, you’ll get different responses. Individuals have different sexual tastes, which is why it’s important to talk about what you like and don’t like. That’s hard because it’s difficult sometimes to talk about sex. If you’re young, you may not know what you like, so it’s important to get to know your own body. One way to do that is through masturbation.

But the key to good sex is respect. For sex to be good, both partners should be satisfied and happy. There should be some talk about what each person likes and doesn’t like and about how to make it safer so you’re not worrying about unwanted pregnancy or disease. Good sex is not forced or pressured. People involved in good sex are doing it because they want to do it, and not because everyone else is. Sex should make you feel good about yourself, and not leave you feel- ing shameful or used.

Q. Do you have to be in love?
A. No. Lots of people have sex when they aren’t in love. There’s nothing wrong with sexual expression; it’s part of who you are. The important thing about sex is that it should never be forced and should always be respectful.

Q. Is it bad to sleep with lots of people?
A. Once again, ask yourself if it’s respectful sex. Is the person protecting herself against STIs and pregnancy? Does she feel okay emotionally? Is she doing it because other people are doing it, or because she thinks it’s cool? Keep in mind too that, although they may look fully mature on the outside, young women are still developing inside. Having many partners or having sex really early can put them at greater risk of con- tracting STIs. And remember, if you’re not doing it at all, that’s OK too. It’s fine to be a virgin. It’s also fine to decide, after having sex, that it’s not what you want right now. You don’t have to keep having sex just because you did once.

Q. What is a blow job?
A. A blow job is performing oral sex (using your mouth) on a guy’s penis.

When you give head to guy you may lick his penis and balls. You may want to suck on his penis and use your hand on the shaft. The head of the penis is very sensitive and is a good area to play with the pressure of your tongue. Slowing down and speeding up your hand will also help him to orgasm. You will want to use a condom to protect yourself from STIs and HIV/AIDS.

At no point do you have to swallow the cum (a.k.a semen—the white stuff, usually less than one teaspoon, that ejaculates out of the guy’s penis) or even let him cum in your mouth.You can spit it out or pull away and use your hand before he cums.

The most important thing is that you are both communicating about what you are comfortable with and what feels good. I would suggest that, when you give a blow job, you have the guy lie down so you can control how deep his penis goes into your mouth/throat. Remember that you have the right to decide what type of sex you have; you don’t have to have oral sex.

Q. How do you have oral sex with a girl?

A. When you are eating out a girl you may want to lick and gently suck on the clitoris and the labia. You may want to gently use your fingers in her vagina. You can speed up and play with the pressure of your tongue on her clitoris to help her to achieve an orgasm. Again the most important part is that you are communicating about what feels good and what is comfortable. Often people find it difficult to find the clitoris, remember to ask! You will need to discuss with your partner the use of a dental dam (see Chapter 8) to help protect you from STIs and HIV/AIDS.

Q. What are guys’ areas of pleasure?
A. The head of the penis is a sensitive part for men. A guy will be sensi- tive in other areas as well, but this varies from guy to guy. Talking to your partner is very important since people have different likes and dislikes.

Q. If you swallow cum, will it do anything to you?
A. You cannot get pregnant, but it is possible to get some STIs if you swallow cum. It’s considered a low-risk activity for transmitting the HIV virus. That means it is not as risky as unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse. The risk of oral sex depends on the condition of your throat and mouth. Some people use a condom for oral sex. You will have to decide what level of risk you are willing to take.

Q. Does anal sex hurt more then vaginal sex?
A. Some people find anal sex pleasurable and erotic. Some people don’t. Because the anus doesn’t have natural lubricants like the vagina, using lube is a good idea. Like vaginal intercourse, if you’re tense, it’s going to hurt. And like vaginal intercourse, there may be a certain amount of discomfort at first before it gets pleasurable. It may feel better if the penis goes in a little bit at a time rather than going in really quick. Remember that anal sex is a high-risk activity in terms of infections and disease. The lining of the rectum tears more easily than the vagina. If the skin breaks and there is bleeding, the possibilty of transmission increases. Use condoms!

Q. Are there different types of orgasms?
A. Yes, there are different types of orgasms. Some are quick, while some can be longer. Some are very intense, while some are gentler. Women can have what you call multiple orgasms; that’s when you can have one after another after another. An orgasm from oral sex may feel different from a vaginal sex orgasm, which may feel different from an orgasm achieved with a vibrator. A woman can have one on her own through masturbation or with a partner. Some women have difficulty having an orgasm. It doesn’t mean that they are frigid or are poor lovers.

Orgasms will vary from person to person. Some people will breathe hard, while others will hold their breath. Some people will feel a rush of heat to their face. Generally, it’s a feeling of buildup and release and pleasure. 

When a woman is excited, her clitoris actually swells. Sometimes she may feel her vaginal lips contracting during an orgasm. After an orgasm, she may find that her clitoris is very sensitive and she may not want to be touched again too soon.

Q. Does your ability to have an orgasm depend on your emotional mood?
A. Certainly it depends on your mood. There may be times when you know that it’s just not going to happen. You may be into it emotionally but not physically. Other times your body may respond even when you don’t want it to. That doesn’t mean that you secretly want it to happen, it just means your body is responding physically. Listen to what you are feeling.

We should remember that a lot of girls and women have had negative sexual experiences that can make it difficult to enjoy sex. Please read the sexual assualt chapter (Chapter 9) for more information.