Red vs Blue Season 2: Male Oc

Rvb S2 E6 "Last Words"

Red Base
The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat and Leo is still struggling to stop the turret rotating.

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Leo: (Grunting) How about helping me turn the fucking turret!

Simmons: Oh yeah, coming!

Simmons climbs on the back of the warthog to help Leo.

Donut: I got dibs on Sarge's armor, if he dies.

Blue Base
To Blue Base with Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard.

Tucker: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

Red Base
To the Warthog and Sarge.

Sarge: Leo before I die I just want to say you were the greatest soldier I ever had, and if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.

Leo: (Grunting) Thanks for the compliment Sarge but, your not dying today!!!

Grif: Wait, I thought Simmons or Leo were like a son to you?

Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just.. understood each other better and Leo your to good to be my son!

Leo: Um thanks?

Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Leo: And he's also trying to kill you with our own warthog!!!

Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

Blue Base
To the Blues.

Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)

Church: Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

Red Base
To the Warthog which stops firing.

Warthog: (emits its series of beeps, shutting down) Signal lost.

Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Leo: Your disappointed about being alive?

Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Grif: Taken who? The machine gun?

Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Leo: Sarge no offence but, you were in no position to take that machine gun on.

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Leo: Why would the driver seat need cleaning...............you've got to be shitting me.

Grif: I'm not cleaning up that.

Leo: .......rock, paper, scissors?

Grif: Your on!

Blue Base
To the Blues.

Church: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?

Church: I can't use my legs, moron.

Caboose: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

Church: Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

Red Base
To the Reds.

Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry. (accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)

Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

Leo: Jesus Christ! Have you even drove a car before!?

Doc: Um not in awhile, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (accidentally rams Sarge again)

Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Leo: Nope, get out the warthog now! And Simmons bring me a towel because I am not sitting in his piss!

Simmons: Ok!

Simmons runs into red base searching for a towel.

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ... ...Really?

Grif/Leo: Get out!

Blue Base
To the Blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires.

Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

Tucker: What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

Church: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base.

Church: Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

Caboose: (seeing the Reds) Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to- (sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church) What the hell are you guys doing!?

Leo: This day is just getting weirder and weirder.

Grif: Agreed.

The End
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