Survival: Book One

Chapter Sixteen: Nick

  Nick walked into the next room, more darkness. He knew he was dreaming. "Hello?" No answer, he pinched his arm. "Wake the hell up!"
  "Nicholas, what are you doing?"
  "What?" Nick spun around on the balls of his feet, trying to find the voice.
  "Why are you pushing Troy away? Why now?"
  "Get out of my head! I thought this was over." Nick pulled at his hair, "I'm dreaming. I'm gonna wake up anytime now."
  "Don't do this."
  "I have to. This is so wrong, you don't understand!" 
  "Does it feel wrong? Why do you like him so much then?"  The voice was his father's, Nick wanted desperately to wake up. He didn't want to talk about this.
  "Why are my dreams so lucid? I don't know anything anymore! What's happening to me?"
  "Nothing is wrong, breathe in, and breathe out. I'm simply trying to help you understand something, you can't avoid this."
  "Don't give me that soul mate bullshit," Nick sat down, the darkness was gradually lightening, "Show me your face. Please!" 
  "I can't do that again, I'm sorry. We don't have much time son."
  "I'm gonna get hurt. Troy is going to get hurt! I'm going to lose him or he's going to lose me! I can't do that! I won't do that to him. I can't love someone-"
  "You tried. You tried with Luciana."
  "Look where that fucking got me?" Nick realized he had been yelling, he looked up. "Wait!  I'm sorry.. Don't go yet! I'm not done-"

  Nick gasped into consciousness and felt his sweating face, "Fuck," he wondered if that was all in his head. He closed his eyes and sighed, Nick had never been more confused than he was right now.
  "Nightmare?" Troy was already awake.
  "Yeah, it was a weird one." Nick smiled up at Troy. Lately, he felt like he had been looking at his friend in a new light. "Why are you even checking on me after I was such an asshole last night?"
  Troy shrugged his shoulders, "Can't help it." Troy was tall, a few inches taller than Nick. He looked at his hand, freshly bandaged and finally, not bleeding. Troy's blue-green eyes fell onto Nick's gaze.
  "Your hand looks better."
  "It is, thank you Madison!" Troy hollered across the room with a crooked smile, he was in a good mood. Suddenly, Nick felt terrible for being mean yesterday. He was really tough on him. "Your sister and the others are still gone. It's about ten now, and your mom is worried. She wants us to go out."
  "How will we know where to go?" Nick asked, he wasn't sure that splitting everyone into three groups was the best idea.
  "Blake apparently left some sort of trail, hopefully it's obvious enough for us to follow." Troy reached out to help Nick up off the floor of the barn. Nick hesitated, but accepted the gesture. The woozy feelings came back when he touched his friend's rough hand. Nick shook his head and got dressed, asking Troy to pack their bags for today's adventure.

  "I want you guys to take the flares, don't waste them. If it starts to get dark and you guys aren't back, we'll come. But you'll have to signal us somehow with these. Light up a building. Something," Madison was lecturing the boys with plans.
  "Ma'am,"
  "You don't have to call me that Troy."
  "Sorry, habit." Troy smiled, "Madison, that sounds like a damn bad idea. No offense, it is a good plan. But, the dead would be on us in a minute."
  "He's right," Nick said, "You both should just wait here. We can get them. We'll bring them here. I know you're impatient, and we were supposed to leave today." Nick hugged his mother, "But we have this covered, you've done enough. We will find Alicia. Let us do this for you."
  "Do what you need to do, but Nick, baby, please be careful. I'm going to be a nervous wreck until you all get back, safe." Madison's face was full of worry and doubt, but she let them go after some convincing from Strand.
  Nick was secretly anxious and happy to be spend the day talking with Troy. He knew in his heart that pushing him away was not an option.

  "Oh, hell yes. He definitely made a trail, look." Troy pointed to the dirt road, there were marks made by something that Blake must have been dragging with his pack. Nick smiled, maybe this will be easy, but nothing was ever easy after the turn.
  "Let's do it then."
  "I wish your mom would have let us drive the bus," Troy said, "My hand might suffer from the blood rushing to it all day walking."
  "We'll live. You've made it through worse." Nick shoved Troy playfully. He was thankful that Troy wasn't holding a grudge against his behavior from yesterday. They walked along in silence. Nick wanted to apologize, but he wasn't sure how to explain it.
  Sorry Troy, was only trying to stop my weird-more-than-friends-feelings towards you. Wanted to push your buttons. Wanted to see if you were gay. Was trying to stop myself from being gay. Sorry for being a major asshole, bud. Yeah, there was no way he was going to apologize, not like this, Nick thought to himself. Throwing my shirt in his face might have crossed a line. Nick had been feeling such a rush of emotions lately that he didn't know what to do with them.
  He was surprised when Troy broke their silence, "You know, I never wanted to make Luciana feel like she had to leave."
  "We don't have to talk about her Troy, she's gone." Nick found himself scanning the horizon for her some days, but he didn't necessarily miss  her. Leaving was Luci's choice, and he respected that. They had felt things for each other, but he could tell it was never very serious. She was never straight up with him and he felt betrayed when she left after he had made such an effort to comfort her. "That was Jeremiah's fault. Stop apologizing for things you have no control over." 
  "Yeah, yeah. Alright."
  "Troy," Nick whispered as he saw an infected coming their way, "He has two guns on him, we need to get those."
  "I got it."
  "Watch your hand." Nick tossed him the machete.
  "Okay boss." Troy winked at Nick, it made his stomach turn. Nick wished he would stop, flirting, or whatever he was doing. He was just being Troy.
  Troy killed the dead one, easily, looting his pockets and loading the two pistols he had picked up off of him. "Should we blood cover?"
  "No, let's try to avoid that." Nick said, "We're almost to the town, that's where they would have been going."
  The two kept walking, following Blake's make shift trail. They would loose it every now and then, but eventually the sight of a small town was in the horizon. It had taken them about three hours worth of walking, they decided to sit and rest for a few minutes to refuel before heading into dangerous territory.
  "So.. what were you like in high school?" Troy asked, making small talk.
  "Uh, ha," Nick laughed, "I was not someone you wanted your kids around. High school was when I got introduced into the whole.. drug scene. It was gross, I'm glad I've come out of that.. Mostly."
  "I didn't mean to bring up anything sensitive," Troy said softly, "I never even went to high school." Troy smiled, it made Nick smile too. Sometimes his cheeks hurt after spending too much time with Troy back at the ranch. They could easily carry on and joke for hours with each other. "Really though, I never went. I don't have any cool stories or things to talk about. Small talk, I'm not good with it. Most people can go on about themselves, me? Not so much." Troy leaned back and took a bite of his rations. Nick noticed his curly hair moving in the wind. He observed how his freshly shaved face looked shiny, and soft. He had missed a spot on his neck.
  "What are you staring at?" Troy mumbled with a mouth full of food.
  "What? Sorry...sorry, nothing." Oops, he caught me. "So," Nick was jumbling his thoughts, searching for something to say. "So, you uh, you have many girlfriends back before the turn?" Guys always like to talk about girls right?  It had become so difficult for Nick, talking to Troy, after he had realized he might actually have some sort of feelings for him. Normally, they didn't have this problem. The both of them knew something was up, you could see it in how nervous they were around each other.
  "Oh, gosh, no. Actually I've only had one." Troy laughed nervously, holding up a single finger.
  "How'd that turn out?" Small talk.
  "Well," Troy started, "Well I think it was mostly a prank." Poor guy, Nick thought, for a moment he pitied him. "Before my family pulled me from middle school, I guess I was like.. thirteen or so, maybe a little older? Anyway, this girl, I liked her a lot. I thought I did. I was trying to fit in, we were young, but I still felt pressured to be like the other boys. You know?" Nick nodded and he continued, "My dad let me invite all of them over. Three boys, two girls. One of the girls was my girlfriend, Allison. We had been doing normal pre-teen stuff, just having a good time and all that. Well eventually the guys wanted to play spin the bottle, so we did. My brother and his girlfriend showed up, so there were quite a few of us." Troy paused for a second, he probably wasn't used to telling people stuff like this.
  "So? Go on, I'm not gonna judge you man, you already know that."
  "Thankfully, my turn landed on Allison. I'd already kissed her at this point so I wasn't afraid," Troy shut his eyes, "But when it came time for our kiss, the boys had switched her out with a picture of a guy. So, basically they filmed me all close-eyed-seriously-kissing a piece of paper."
  "Oh god, that's fucked."
  "Yeah and they had it all planned out too. They had the photo printed, they had cameras ready. Allison was in on it. Long story short, I beat the ring leader's ass and they never came over again. I didn't go to school for much longer after that either. I was called every degrading name in the book. I've never trusted people the same since." Troy shook his head and paused, Nick felt terrible for him. This was only one of the horrors that he had experienced as a young man. "But, I mean of course I got with some girls at the ranch, later on. I'm no virgin. But, girlfriends? I have never had one since that night. That was a long time ago." There was a silence for some time, Nick wasn't sure what to say. Saying he was sorry might make Troy feel low about himself. "Well, that's my story time for today. What a joy I am right?"
  "Stop, I like hearing about you. Even the worst parts of you." Nick grinned slightly at his friend.
  Troy just looked at him with his big soft eyes, it made Nick's gut turn again. "Your turn Nicky,"
  "My turn?"
  "Yeah, I get an embarrassing story in return for spilling mine, right?" Troy was boiling water for them, they had scavenged some out of a car earlier. Madison was trying to save the good stuff for later.
  Nick had too many embarrassing stories, how could he choose just one? He didn't want to talk about himself, that's all they ever did. Nick wanted to hear about Troy. About what he had been through, what his extended family was like, he wanted to know all of the details.
  "Troy?"
  "What's up? Can't think of anything as embarrassing as mine?"
  "Do you think.. I mean, did your dad know you were gay?" Nick almost didn't say it, but he had to, one way or another, he had to know. He was tired of fearing what could be, and he was ready to move on his feelings for Troy.
  "What?" his voice sounded scared, "What makes you think I'm gay?" Troy wouldn't look at him.
  "Troy, look at me." Nick was sitting next to the small fire as Troy filtered the boiling water. He looked up to see that his friend's face was pale and nervous.
  "I can't."
  "Why can't you look at me? Hey?" Nick stood up, he wanted to know. He wasn't trying to push Troy into coming out, but he knew that if he wasn't  gay, he needed to know now. "I was just assuming, I shouldn't of done that. Shit, I'm sorry-"
  "I can't look at you because when I look at you.. Nick when I look at you, I can't think straight. Christ, I can't see straight." Troy finally met Nick's eyes and what he saw shocked him, a tear falling down his face. The hard, damaged man he knew looked more like a teenager now, confessing his love for the first time. "I try and I try to force myself not to look at you like that." He was really crying now, Nick felt terrible for bringing this up. He should have waited. This was a sensitive thing for Troy, obviously. "So, yeah, I guess there's your answer. No, my dad did not know I was gay. If he knew- if any of them knew..." Troy covered his face and sat down, turning away from Nick's eyes.
  "It's okay," Nick walked over to him. He touched his shoulder and sat down next to him on the ground, keeping his distance. "I'm bisexual, my dad didn't know. Nothing to be ashamed of." He rubbed a hand on Troy's back, "We can get through it. Whatever 'it' is. I'm not judging you. I just knew, that's all."
  "You knew?" Troy finally looked up, his face was beat red.
   "Of course," Nick smiled. Don't look into his eyes, don't do it. Too late, they stared at each other for a moment, Nick desperately needed to say something. The butterflies in his stomach had swallowed his breath. "Drink some of that shitty warm water. Pull yourself together. This does not define you. Your father will never  get to see how incredibly special  you are, and that's on him. It's on me a little too," Nick laughed and it made Troy ease up. He relaxed his shoulders and drank some water. "You feel better now, yeah? I feel way better."
  Troy sniffled, "Yeah, I guess I feel better too. A little embarrassed. I kinda just confessed my feelings of love  to my best friend  in the middle of a field."
  "Psshhhh, nothing is more embarrassing than that Allison thing. This is a piece of cake." Nick threw his arm around Troy's shoulder. He wondered if this would change anything. He wondered if Troy would kiss him, and he wondered if that's what he wanted.
  "Is it too late to keep going?" Troy scooted away from Nick's arm, he seemed uncomfortable, "I didn't realize how long we had been talking."
  "I didn't realize either. Still at least an hour of sunlight left. Let's get into the city," he stood up.
  "Nick?"
  "Yeah?"
  "I knew, too," Troy said, and turned to pack up their make shift camp.

  What a day this had escalated into, Nick thought with a smile on his face.