Why am I me?

Chapter 4

'Care'

I'd spent every night ether staring at the fan above my head, feeling the gentle breeze against my bare skin and watching the loose hairs fallen to my forehead sway slightly and tickling my cheeks and nose. Or texting Alex, I decided to partly confide in him, luckily practically everyone knows I'm rather odd and don't mind standing outin a crowd, in fact I've been known to do just that in the past. So I messaged him, trying not to be too specific since this was all new to me so I didn't want to have to take it all back at a later date. 

I spoke about wanting to try on dresses and try makeup. He joked about the possibility of me being gay rather than bisexual, in which I virtually punched his shoulder, sending an awkward 'Haha shush' while grimacing in the dark living room. 

By morning I'd have forgotten what we would have talked about, or at least pushed it aside to enjoy the days with my family. 

The day was a great distraction from the night.

Eva and I practising synchronised swimming, or trying totrip each other up. Wrestling in the sea with Joseph when he wasn't sunbathing or chatting with Mum. 

Mum took an obscene amount of photographs and Dad did his usual teasing, joining us in the sea or pool on the rare occasionin which he put his book down. He burnt easily so tended to sit inthe shade, coming out white from the multiple layers of sun cream. 

We were a happy family, at least we looked like it.

My brother and Mum were the only ones that really opened up, Joseph confiding in myself or Mum and Mum just wearing it loud and proud letting us all know exactly how she was feeling at any time.

So as far as I knew, Joseph was happy, just small complaints about his girlfriend, or missing her.

Dad was happy, overlooking the fact Mum was spending his money on souvenirs, clothes, bags and shoes.

Mum was ecstatic, stressing and sulking when we attempted family photos.

Eva was her usual mental case, swinging in a mile-second between excitable child to angry demon.

Other than Dad, I probably looked most stable. I never liked opening up to these people, as much as I loved them and knew they'd always be there for me. I was okay passing up that opportunity.

The plane was almost empty on the way home so we all spread out and had three seats to ourselves, except myself. Mum had fallen asleep stretched out beside me, leaving me less than half of my actual seat let alone two extra seats. Mid-way I slipped out to use the toilet and search for another book, unfortunate every set of seats had someone lying down in them.

Just two more hours

I sighed as I returned to my seat, lifting Mum up to prop her head onto my lap, making the rest of the flight more comfortable. 

Fortunately for myself, Alex had forgotten our messages over the holiday so we both moved on swiftly and within a few weeks I myself had forgotten it, bikinis were bikinis and dresses were dresses, silver or otherwise.

Nothing new happened for several weeks, I broke up with Sophia, best decision of this year so far.

She didn't have much of a reaction, then again she never did.

So now both myself and Alex were single, spending all our time together.

If this were any other story it could end up with Alex realising he was gay or bi or pan or just attracted to me, no labels needed.

Nope, this was reality. Everyone I liked as much as I liked him, especially a guy, would not like me back. Ether because I am me or because I have a dick.

Stupid waste of skin, muscles, blood and what ever else

These thoughts went through my mind from time to time but I always made the assumption that it was purely because of my frustration stemming from my sexuality and the lack of diversity in sexuality in the people around me. 

Although there was the possibility that there were just closeted kids around me.

I, myself was still kind of closeted, if you asked I wouldn't lie or deny it but I just hadn't really told anyone except Alex and the four horsemen. Mainly due to the three people I tried to tell a few years prior, it ended with too many uncomfortable questions and assumptions that just left me feeling wrong and purely existing to be an outsider. Every so often I find myself thinking back to those times and wondering why I didn't put the people in their places or correcting them. 

I used to be so awkward with retaliations, I could never voice my thoughts and if someone upset me every thought I was going to lay on them would just go and I'd end up letting them off easily.

I hated the fact I'd gotten over so much over the past six years. All the people who had hurt me and I had forgiven even though now years on I still feel the pains in my chest and the sting in my eyes as if they were fresh wounds.

It was smooth sailing for months after that holiday.

Finally February came and it was Alex's Birthday.

He had invited myself, his new girlfriend Millie and a few of his mates to dinner.

I couldn't afford it but he was my best friend, I went and ended up spending the whole evening only talking to Mollie. I would say it was uncomfortable or that I didn't want to be there, which was all true, but this was how I was at any social activity so I was more than used to it. It had gotten to the point that this was how they were meant to be to me, if it were any other way I would be confused and probably even more uncomfortable.

Not long after that their relationship was going downhill and I was thrown back into the mix. My only proper friend and my current crush, he was unhappy and complaining non stop. I did what I could, occasionally becoming the middle man again, luckily not as often as last time.

Eventually the only advice I could give him was to break up with her and he didn't take it well. He lashed out, about how I didn't care so of course I'd give such rubbish advice and that obviously I was just jealous.

My friend, someone I had had to rely on to be by my side, be the only person I needed was practically throwing our friendship away because of an argument with his hot head girlfriend.

I couldn't do it, I could only stoop so low.

So I stood up and left.

I hadn't spent my time with anyone but him for months so I closely resembled a lost puppy as I wondered for somewhere to settle, any friendly-faces would do.

Eventually I found a table filled with the kids that had started this year, Allison pulled out the empty chair next to her welcoming me to join. I sat and within moments I felt welcomed. I felt liked.

I hadn't realised how long it had been since I felt properly noticed until Allison and another new face, Michelle, pulled me into their peculiar discussion on weapons and the proper ways to murder and dispose of somebody.

It continued like this for several weeks, spending more time with both girls, I felt closer to Allison, Michelle, had a bit of a man hater vibe though roped me into spending several of my free periods with her. I actually had the same thought process, interests and sense of humour as both girls though both were also immensely smarter and geekier than myself.

All in all I was becoming happier, it had been weeks since I had so much as looked at Alex, I was told constantly that he was rolling his eyes at me but why would I care now if I apparently didn't care when we were on speaking terms.

A few good things had come out of this, I was over Alex, I had new friends and I no longer felt like I was being judged for being myself.