Why am I me?

Chapter 6

'Safety Blanket'

I didn't realise how many love songs I listened to, not just love songs, sad sounding ones. They were about love, losing lovers, heartbreak and all of the above. I listened to them on repeat, slept to the sound of them quietly dancing round the room, walked to School with them bursting my eardrums, revised and worked with them pleading for my attention.

When I did realise, it was odd. I never particularly liked romantic films so I never thought I would take an interest in romantic music.

I was wrong, obviously.

I knew it wasn't because I thought I was ever in love with Alex or George. Hell, I was pretty sure the only person I had felt what is even close to love was Charlie and since that had ended so badly I found myself wondering more than once if I would ever allow myself to feel that again for anyone.

Not that I was entirely sure that I no longer felt it for Charlie. Maybe not love but I knew there was something there and it caused me to think of her from time to time, imagining us making up, becoming friends once again and maybe this time I would be able to be okay with just being her friend and I would be able to keep my mouth shut about any lingering or growing feelings.

I was ashamed to admit those thoughts passed through meal most daily, Alex and Allison for sure would have judged me and mocked me for being so pathetic and George wouldn't know what to say. He was worse than myself with feelings and other people's emotions. Sometimes I wondered if he had any. 

Every once in a while I found myself teasing George, about his sexuality mostly. As if he was the bent one. I would poke at anything he did or said that could potentially come across as not quite straight, part of me knew it was more than just a joke.

I was hopeful, trying to recruit.

But every time he would laugh or punch me with a smirk and tell me he was definitely straight.

As we got closer I found myself talking more and more about my sexuality. I didn't do that with many people so I took it as a positive thing.

I was happy, even if I only really ever spoke and hung out with one person.

Then Alex approached me.

Of course I decided the one day George wasn't in, to sit in the extension.

I never sat in the extension any more, only in the canteen area behind the wall. I felt safe there since myself and George spent all our frees there but this one day I had gone to the extended area and Alex took that opportunity to talk to me.

"Hey" he sat down next to me, not opposite, next to me. I couldn't tell if that was better or worse, he could show his full body language from this angle, he was better with confidence so he could sit strong and relax and show it off while watching my body crumble under his words and intense stare.

... I guess that makes it a bad thing for sure then.

"Hi" I smiled in his general direction before looking back down at the table where my drink and phone lay discarded.

"How've you been?" he questioned like some cliché ex-lover, pity lacing his voice.

"Good, I spend most my time with George now. You?" I found myself staring back at him now, confidence growing at the thought of George.

"Yea, good. I wanted to apologies. I'm sorry" he smiled sheepishly.

I wanted to ask him why he was sorry, I wanted to hear him tell me everything he did wrong. I found myself aching for him to pour his heart out in front of me but no, that was not the case. I knew it wouldn't happen. But I also knew it could if I just asked him to.