Why am I me?

Chapter 9

'Moving Along'

The few weeks that followed were similar, I felt wrong and disfigured in the shower, baths would have to be overloaded with bubbles just so that I wouldn't be able to see what lay beneath the clear surface. Once the bubbles had disappeared I would get out, dry off and get dressed as quick as humanly possible.

Mother started to play with my hair and ask if she could trim it, I would just shake her off.

The envy I felt when I'd see the girls in their dressesand skirts, wearing makeup, hair blowing in the wind, it was painful.

But it simmered down, I could control it, remind myself what was good about being a male, work to make myself feel more comfortable with the idea of wearing girlish colours.

It had started to get warmer as April ended so I had to let my leg hair grow but the fact no one had mentioned the pink shorts I wore made me realise how much the World accepted anything. I could wear a crop top and people would probably just take a second look and move on with their life. After this realisation it became easier to feel comfortable in my own skin. Yes, I was male and yes, I didn't want to be but no, I was in no way going to let that control my emotions anymore.

If I wanted to wear pink, so be it, if I wanted to wear a flowery yellow vest top, I will, if I wanted to wear makeup, I was not going to since that would be a step too far.

Eventually I realised why I had become so comfortable with this, I would have days of feeling masculine or even weeks then suddenly wake up wanting to be anything but manly. I didn't know what to call it, I didn't want to put a name to it. Some days I wore jeans, t-shirts and boots, some days I wore baby blue shorts, floral vest tops and flip flops. No one cared, it just became me and was content with everything thinking my style varied, not that somedays I wanted to dress pretty.

So for once there was nothing to say.

I had found a middle ground, yes I was still living with the wrong thing in my pants but I knew there was nothing I could do about that.

I had another problem with transgender I realised, people referred to a boy that had transitioned into a girl as a 'transgender girl/woman'. I can see why but it was just another reason why I couldn't do it. I wanted to be a girl not a transgender girl and I know that would be a label. It was unfair, no one walked around calling a gay man a gay man, he was a man that happened to be gay but that doesn't mean that's what he is. It certainly wouldn't be said to a straight white man, yes I am getting race into this because let's be honest you never hear someone specifically point out a guy is white but it's broadcasted if you're black, Asian and basically anything that isn't Caucasian.

I get too into my own head, I could fill pages with what I think of for ten seconds, if I wrote that is.

For once I was feeling clearer and more normal, my parents had calmed down, no longer too worried about me, Joseph and Eva were back to being their usual inconsiderate selves and George and I were back to our unusually usual friendship which was basically the same as always but less touching as it wasn't needed.

Life continued, the School year was coming to an end and I had received an invite to a party. Allison was having a party to celebrate the end of a School year and the start of Summer. Naturally I was excited, alcohol and music, it sounded like a dream. Though as the days between the now and the party was decreasing I felt my anxiety spike slightly.

I made sure I knew several people at School that were going, becoming close with two of the other guys and Michelle but by the time I was sitting at home ready to go and waiting for a lift I was practically shaking.

"You'll be fine when you get there Red. You know most the people going and once you've had a drink you'll be having fun, dancing and chatting" Mum was cleaning the kitchen while I sat shaking my knee at the table.

"I know Mum, it's just the build up I suppose. Just ... I know when I get there I'll be fine but until then ..." I don't finish my sentence, all that needed to be said is spoken in that silence.

She puts down the towel and puts her damp hand on my shoulder.

"You look lovely and I know you, I bet you'll even make some friends. Now, I can hear Joseph's car outside so you better go or he'll change his mind about the lift" she smiled and gave mean awkward hug since I was still sitting before heading upstairs.

I stand up and head into the living room to grab my bag.

"See you later Eva, wish me luck" I wink jokingly before leaving the room and heading out the front door and into the car.