Why am I me?

Chapter 7

'First Timer'

People move on, friendships mainly, for me that is.

George was my current only real friend, sure Allison and that would pat me on the back and talk to me at School but in reality George was all I really had.

So, naturally, if I were to be invited to anything by anyone that wasn't him my subconscious would convince me it was a trick, a lie, as if I was living a cliché 2005 American teen flick.

So there was, moments before I'd be jumping in the shower to start getting ready and I felt my arms tingle, my chest felt tight and overall I felt like I'd just woken up from a decade-long nap and was in dire need of a stretch.

I stood abruptly and walked out of the dining room to stretch and get away from the family chatter.

I had experienced this before, it was just the nerves of being social.

But it didn't stop.

I felt I needed to be alone if I was going to calm myself down and have some recovery time before getting ready.

So, I headed to the table to grab my phone, nodded to my Mother when she asked if I was okay and headed for my room.

But it worsened.

I hadn't ever had it this bad, I fell at the top of the stairs and held onto the steps as to not fall.

Tears began to stream down my face as my breathing sped up, my legs felt weak and my hands were desperately trying to hold onto anything, pulling at my hair and nails digging into the banister.

Only seconds passed before I realised what was going on.

Panic attack!

The idea of having my first panic attack and one that was so extreme at that for no real reason was terrifying and I almost took myself to my room because it was quite frankly rather embarrassing.

I did not however as I shook the stupidity from my mind.

Pulling myself up I stumbled down the stairs and held myself in the doorway to the dining room.

"I-I th, think I-" I gulped hard trying to regain of, well, anything.

"I'm ha-ving a pan, n-nic att-hack"

I couldn't tell what surprised me more, how quickly my parents were by my side pulling me to the living room sofa and handing me a paper bag or how I'd actually been able to get those words out whilst breathing like this.

"Slow your breathing" Mum's orders pierced through my thoughts.

"Slower" I hadn't even noticed my breathing was slowing to her orders, I really felt out of control.

"Come on, breath slower" I started to breath even slower, until I felt I was breathing slower than my resting speed of breathing. But apparently I was wrong.

"Slower Red, you can do it" as my breathing slowed even more so the image of how I must looked popped into my head, easing the tension left in my back, neck and arms.

I was tall, almost as tall as my Dad, much taller than most of the other males in my family and all of the women. Broadshoulders, not that skinny and I was crying into a paper bag, parents cooing around me.

Once I'd calmed down I moved the bag from my back and laid back into the sofa.

"You know why that happened?" Mum had here hand on my back now as she sat beside me.

"Party? I, I honestly thought this was meant to get better as you get older but apparently not" I chuckled pitifully shaking my head slightly, eyes focused on my lap.

"I know, I know. Why don't you go to the shops with Dad and choose some snacks and we can watch a film?" I couldn't say I wanted to watch a film all that much but the idea of relaxing with some chocolate did sound rather compelling.

"Okay"

I held onto the banister and had to practically drag myself up every step to get a jumper, legs still slightly jelly-like.

Once in the car I was calm, I hadn't spoken since agreeing to go to the shops.

I'd never had a panic attack so I didn't expect anything to come after it, maybe I'd start having them now that I'd had my first, maybe I'd be the same, I guess I had to wait and see.

Unfortunately for myself, I didn't have to wait long before I felt the new change.

The shop was a busy one, being the biggest and main shop of our small village, the isles were all full of people and I found my eyes watering.

I held onto my Father's arm and took in a large breath.

"Why don't you go wait in the car?" he had stopped walking and squeezed my left arm just above the elbow. 

I tensed my jaw and let out a frustrated sigh.

"What do you want me to get?" 

"Chilli D-Doritos ... ch-chocolate o-o-orange bits"I looked up as he nodded in acknowledgement before I ran out and back to the car.

Great, I had a stutter.

My throat kept tensing and I found my knees being pulled to my chest as I wrapped my arms round them and held on bruisingly tight.

I pulled out my phone and went through my contacts, sending a message to a group chat I had never spoken on.

Green: Won't be coming tonight. Sorry for late notice, have fun :) :)

I sighed yet again, put the phone back in my pocket and waited.

Dad returned and handed the bag to me to put by my feet. He patted my shoulder but pulled away when I involuntarily flinched at his touch.

He didn't ask why or respond, just turned and started the car heading home.

I felt broken, I walked in and flinched when Mum huggedme, she was more visibly phased by it than Dad.

"You alright?" she asked looking up to me, sympathy painting her features.

"I-I am. I-I d-d-didn't mmmean to f-flinch" her eyebrows rose for a moment upon hearing the stutter and she leant forward to hug me again before stopping herself and venturing into the bag.

"Okay, what do you want while we watch the film?Chocolate or crisps?" she held both bags up and I took the chocolate from her left.

"Cheers" I smiled and headed into the living room, I pulled a blanket over my shoulders and relaxed into the warmth.

They joined moments later, Dad holding a bowl of popcorn and a beer and Mum holding a tea and Tangfastics.

Dad pressed play and we sat in silence, the rustling of food filling the room as the film began.