Watching Her Love You

Chapter 17

Kara felt like she'd been punched in the stomach by Reign herself. How could Lena say such awful things about herself and mean them?! "What are you talking about!? We've been through this already, Lee! You were trying to help Sam... Why are you bringing this back up?"

Lena shook her head, unable to continue this conversation. "Kara, I took away Ruby's mother, I took away the love of Alex's life, and I killed our best friend."

Kara sighed. "We've all forgiven you, Lena... You didn't mean for it to happen. We understand that."

Lena shook her head. "Ruby doesn't."

Kara's heart ached because Lena was right... Ruby was still very uncomfortable around Lena, but she didn't want to force that dynamic to be fixed... Ruby was just a girl, and she was entitled to her feelings... She just wished that someday, very soon, Ruby would forgive Lena; so that Lena could forgive herself. "Lena, she's a young girl, that's angry, and hurt... She needs someone to blame, so she chose to blame you."

Lena shook her head. "She's got every right to blame me, Kara. Sam's death is my fault. Just like this entire fiasco with you and Cat. I let myself think that I could be your true love, but I can't. I had too much confidence in myself during my attempts to heal Sam, and I had too much confidence in myself when I kissed you on the bathroom floor. You love me, Kara. You do, and I love you, but the only reason you aren't choosing is that you're afraid of breaking my heart. You love me so much that you're scared of hurting me. But you love Cat more. I know you do."

Kara furrowed her brow. Why was Lena acting like this? Why would she say that she loved Cat more? Nothing was making sense. "Lena, I think you're still a little tipsy." She asserted, standing up, and attempting to cover Lena up with the blanket once more.

Lena stopped her and shook her head. "I'm not, Kara. I'm just done pretending. Last night when I saw you with Cat, the looks you shared? Sure, we've had those moments, but when you're with Cat that is always how you look at her. You love her more than me."

Kara sat back down next to Lena and reached for her hand. "Lena, please don't do this. You and Cat both mean everything to me."

"You love me, but you can get over me, Kara... I saw what it looked like when you and Cat broke up. You were a mess for years and even tried dating a slave owner to get over her. As soon as you were convinced that I didn't feel anything for you, you gave up on me and got over it. You never got over Cat; you couldn't."

Kara was about to deny Lena's statements fervently until the last two sentences hit her in the chest like an elephant stepping on it... Could she genuinely ever get over Cat? Was it possible? "Lena... I don't want to lose you." Kara said as she fought her tears.

Lena smiled sadly, her heart aching. "You could never lose me, Kara. But I can't let you choose me, no matter how badly I wish you would, it wouldn't be right."

"Lena, please. You know that I love you, why does it matter if I could or could not get over you?" Kara asked distraughtly.

Lena inhaled deeply, resisting her churning stomach. She hated this, but it was the way it had to be. "Because you may think you love me as much as Cat, but in time you'd regret choosing me. You'd regret it so terribly that you'll resent me, and I couldn't live with myself if you resented me."

Kara could understand the fears Lena had, but felt the need to dissuade them if at all possible. "Lena, I could never resent you for making me love you. You're exceptional. Anyone would be lucky to be with you. Why can't you see that?"

Lena stood up, wiped a few tears from her eyes, and grabbed her purse from the coffee table. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you, Kara. They'd be the luckiest person in the world, but you and I could never be like you and Cat. I'm not as confident, I'm not as wise, and I'm not as successful. I didn't build L-Corp, Lex did... I just changed its focus. I didn't build CatCo, Cat did... I just bought it out from Morgan Edge, and I'm letting Jimmy run it. Don't you see, Kara? I'm not Cat Grant."