PSYCHOLOGY

RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGY: 9 Signs that Your Marriage Can No Longer Be Salvaged

Knowing when to give up isn't easy

Posted Apr 25, 2018 by Peg Streep

If you've ever been in the position of deciding whether you should separate or , you know the extraordinary and the flood of emotions that accompany the question. Humans are generally averse to change—we prefer the known, even if it makes us unhappy, to the unknown future—and that's especially true if we're talking not just about entwined lives, but children, friends, finances, and possessions, and we don't know what's going to happen next. Obviously, if you have a lover-in-waiting, this part is slightly easier. But even so, should you just walk away from a connection in which you've invested years? What if this is just a rough patch? (Thinking about your investment of time, energy, or anything else has a name: the sunk cost fallacy. It's a thought process that keeps you stuck.)

You are asking because you're worried about your own perceptions and you desperately want some litmus test that will guarantee that you're not making the mistake of your life. So, how do you know when to throw in the towel on a real commitment? After all, we all know people whose came back from the brink. You think of Hillary and Bill Clinton or maybe those neighbors of yours who reconciled after the husband left for another woman and are now in their 60s, thriving and grandparenting together.

Of course, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. If I or anyone else had it in hand, there'd be justifiable fame and riches. Nope, the misery of deciding whether this is the moment lies on individual shoulders.

That said, there's a ton of research out there, and you should consider whether these particulars apply to your situation. Since I'm neither a therapist nor a psychologist, I'll offer up some research findings.

Is there a tipping point when divorce becomes inevitable?

Needless to say, both researchers and therapists have long been interested in why some couples make it through a crisis such as while others founder. A 2003 study by Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed that the top cause for divorce was cheating, responsible for 21.6% percent of divorces the studied, followed closely by incompatibility (19.2%), or drug use (10.6%), growing apart (9.6%), problems (9.1%), and lack of communication (8.7 %). Physical or mental , and loss of , were singled out much less frequently—5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.

An interesting study by Shelby Scott and others looked at 52 divorced couples who had, in fact, been part of a program meant to strengthen relationship skills and avoid marital dissolution (PREP) while they were engaged; their goal was to see what about the program could be changed or strengthened to avoid the outcome. This second study was conducted 14 years after the premarital program. Their results showed that the most common factor was lack of commitment (75%), infidelity (59.6%), and too much conflict and arguing (57.7%). They also asked if there were a "final straw" or single event that doomed the marriage and 68% responded that there was. Once again, infidelity came out on top (24%), followed by and abuse (21.2%) and (12.1 %).

So infidelity, not surprisingly, seems to be a real tipping point. But another study, this one by Alan J. Hawkins, Brian Willoughby, and William J. Doherty, looked at both the reasons for divorce and the individual's to reconciliation, even at a late stage of divorce. (The individuals were in the classes required by Minnesota law.) The top reasons for divorce were growing apart (55%), not able to talk together (53%), how my spouse handles money (40%) with infidelity coming in at 37%. Other reasons included personal problems of my spouse (37%), not getting enough attention (34%), my spouse's personal habits (29%), and sexual problems (24%). Not surprisingly, differences in tastes and preferences, drug and problems, division of household duties, and conflicts over raising children were also factors in about a fifth of the respondents. Interestingly, the broader and softer issues—growing apart, not communicating, handling money—were negatively associated with a possibility of reconciliation, and the researchers surmised that people see these as indicative of a basic lack of compatibility.