Fight to Die (Harry Styles)

Seventeen

Chapter 17

• Harry •

The pain is numbing, not a comfortable numb, but an annoying one where you can feel the throbbing ache beneath it. I clench my teeth and lean my head back against the cold stone wall. If I'm going to survive tonight, I'm going to have to keep still- or maybe not. After Felix threatened me, they had me moved back to the cells in the ludus. I don't know if they forgot or if they're intentionally deciding not to address my shoulder. Usually, it is bandaged right away, but not his time.

This time, I am left in a cold, damp cell with no food, water, or means of warmth. I have nothing, and I have no one.

My chest heaves in short, deep breaths almost too fast so that I have to cough and catch my breath. My brain becomes even foggier than before, either due to the lack of blood or the fact that I'm actually causing myself to hyperventilate.

I groan out in pain as the deep cut in my shoulder throbs more fiercely than ever before. I cross my left arm over my chest and take hold of my right forearm. There is nothing for me to brace myself for the pain, only the arm which is actually injured. My grip tightens around my forearm and I attempt to use that pain I am causing for myself to disguise the pain of my wound. But that is impossible. How could I have expected it to work anyway?

I, more than anyone, should know that the pain is inevitable.

I cry out in pain and curl up to my right side, a tear falling down my face. That only hurts worse. Such vulnerability. I am helpless and broken. Giving up, I sit back up against the wall. This is complete and utter agony. If only I could sleep... If only I could escape from this mangy hell I live in... If only I could die.

No. I can't die. Not now. Not after all I've done to survive.

I breathe in deeply and concentrate on keeping the oxygen flow through my body even. Breathe in. Breathe out, I tell myself. And over again. Slowly, so you don't pass out. Breathe in-

But that is just it isn't it? Slowly, so you don't pass out, I told myself. But I want to pass out. Well, not exactly pass out- sleep, but if I can make myself pass out, it's better than staying awake all night to suffer. I begin to take a quick, short breaths to try and deprive my body of oxygen. It may slow the healing process of my shoulder a small amount, but being put out of this agony is what I am concerned about. My head becomes lighter and in a few minutes, I am slightly dizzy. The corners of my mind have darkened and I find myself plunging head-first into that darkness. I am engulfed by it, completely and utterly devoured by the darkness. It takes everything from me: sight, touch, smell, sound, reality. I feel a dulling ache somewhere on my body, but I don't have the mind to figure out where. This is bliss.

Sleep without the tormenting of my own mind. That's what this is.

It's like I'm floating in a cold, dark void of nothingness. The air around me is still; everything is still. I am alone. The air is freezing to top it off and I find myself shivering, even in my dark void of nothingness. At least my pain is gone.

A warmth suddenly spreads over my body, but it isn't what you would think. It's not the heat from alcohol and sure isn't the heat from a fire. It's the heat of another body, maybe even a blanket of some kind. Nevertheless, this heat feels good. The heat increases on my neck, but not in an uncomfortable way; actually, more like in a sensual way of pleasure. Touch. My senses are returning to me.

I wonder how long it has been. Surely, only a few minutes. It only feels like a few minutes. Time is funny in dreams. It may seem like days or even years, when in reality it has only been five minutes. Or the opposite, it may seem like a few seconds when in reality it is has been several hours or even days.