When I see pictures of myself my brain makes absolutely no connection that it's me and I struggle to figure out who's in the picture. I just can't recognize myself. I'm not sure if that's extremely odd or if other people have the same problem but to me it seems really strange. To look at a picture of yourself and not know it's you is a feeling of defeat. It's not just pictures of me though, sometimes I don't recognize my friends I'll switch around names and memories on my head on accident even with the people that I know best. Something is most definitely wrong with me there's no doubt about that, but how in the world can I tell people that I can't even recognize myself. I'm not who I think I am I guess. That's a terrifying thought. If I don't know me how can anyone else? Disassociation is a horrible thing because I can't have any emotions about it. I don't care because it doesn't seem like I was really living it. Actually it almost feels like every memory that I have could be completely made up. I'm trying to figure out my future without even knowing what's going on now. I want to feel alive. I need to feel alive. To feel a blade on my skin. To feel pills in my stomach. To feel alcohol in my throat. To feel smoke in my lungs. To feel another persons body on mine. To feel something. Anything. I don't know how else to feel alive.
