Joyriding

February 13, 2018

T/W: a hell lot of phycological abuse.


Hey,

   So i guess I've been writing about over all event but now I think i should focus on people that have marked me, physically and/or emotionally. The first person tht comes to mind that i considered my friend and ally was my aunt Iris, she was what made my childhood have a few good spots here and there, or so I thought.

   I guess I should start with the good memories I have of her. She was my rock growing up, she would take me to her place for the weekends so that she could make sure my mom wouldn't hit me. She would always take me first to eat out, which was rare for us, with my mom being a single parent with 2 kids at the age of 23.

  O still remember the time she bought me a tiara, saying it was cause I was her princess. I cherished it for so long, till my mom threw it away saying it was childish and that I should have gotten rid of it before. And when I was down, she would come to my rescue or so I thought. See what I didn't know was how bad her own depression was. Since depression is a common illness that plagues the women from my mom's family. My Grandmother is bipolar, my mom had post pregnancy depression after me which she would remind me constantly of, and my aunt then had a mind depression and now is starting to show signs of bipolarity. Me well, social anxiety, dysthymia depression and ADHD as well as a sleeping disorder.

  I remember I used to look up at her, seeing how she was so helpful to others even if she didn't feel truly happy, yet my first mistake was to tell her I looked up to her when i was 18. She was livid when those words fell out of my mouth. She told me how I was such a stupid kid that knew nothing that I shouldn't look up to her, she went on how she wasn't perfect and that if she ever happened to stumble and fall she wouldn't have me saying I did the same because of her. And it was a big deal to her since our family is austerely religious. I remember being so hurt by her one hour lividly screaming rant that ended with her telling me how she wanted me out of the house she shared with my uncle marcelo, her brother, where I had moved in with them in Chicago. I stayed with them for three more months till I hauled ass back with my parents in Mexico.

  Here's a little poem i wrote on that day that carved a hole into my soul and childhood. " what do you do when the person you admire falls down, from the top of the world, they are now on the ground, you just can't believe it, you burst into tears, but there is nothing for you to do here, all your left to do is wonder,  what do you do when the person you admire falls down and hurts you." I remember being so hurt and crying for hours on end. She was my core pillar and she pulled it out from under me so I stumbled down.

  Now closer to today, we'll talk about the incidents during the week of her wedding and then the week of my uncle wedding that happened in the same year. Starting with her wedding that happened early in the year. All she spoke to me were things like I hate the idea that you're here if it were up to me I would send you back to your parents, at the time I was learning mandarin Chinese and she told me if you ever want to go to China I'll hell you, and I thought wow maybe we're leaving the bad part behind bit no she then continued with that way you will be miles and mile away from my family, she was livid that I was now living with my grandparents. I hated the dress I had to wear for her wedding even if they were my two favorite colors black and red. She chose the dress, hair and makeup. Which i didn't want since I studied cosmetology, I could do it myself, and I wanted to since I've always been able to at least hold control over my outward appearance, but no she stripped me of all control so my anxiety flared. I looked horrible and I hated it. As well as having them hate on my best friend.

   Now for the week of my uncle's wedding things went in a similar fashion. Her bashing me practically for breathing. That week their cousin, who i grew up with and looked to as a good older brother. He was so fucking pissed at her for bashing me in such a way, because like on the day of my uncle's wedding, I hd been able to control dress, hair and makeup which made me feel better but i wasn't and I wasn't wanted there so I didn't pretend I was. I was forced to act happy and be in the family shot. I had bought a new pair of heels, they were beautiful but a bit tight, thankfully they were average in height I normally wear 6-7 inch heels or 13-15 cms. We got on a little carpeted platform for the pic and coming down i was surrounded by Dan my mom's cousin and his family, but my new heels get stuck on the carpet and I fall full on my knees and get carpet burn on them, I immediately stood up since I hated the embarrassment of it. Thankfully Dan and his family covered me so no one would have noticed that I fell or so we thought.

In the reception, I was supposed to sit with the groom and his family but I sat with Dan, his wife, his sister and his four children as well as his in laws, who absolutely adore him. And my best friend joined me there after the food. I took care of the younger two girls so Dan and Emily could have fun dancing, my bestie stayed at my side all night long even though I told him to go have fun. He did he wanted to be there with me since i was (insert expensive mistakes reference) living several states away. When the party finally ended, Hispanic weddings be lit and long as fuck, we all went home to keep the party going this being around 4 am. But what happened when I got there with Dan, made him, his wife, sister and in laws livid. My aunt, who practically raised me so I wouldn't be completely crazy, said I fell on purpose and lividly accused me of being an attention whore who just had to have all the attention on her during my uncle's wedding. And Dan stepped in when she raised her hand, since she was the only one that had never hit me, a least physically. I left with  Dan and his clan to their hotel room, he didn't want me staying with them.

  Several months later in which she never said she was sorry, and Dan and his family hadn't forgiven her either. She came with her husband to visit a week after I went to a very special course in the religion I grew up in, something that brought great joy and pride to the family of the teen who went there i was still 19. And to be completely honest I did hope she would have at least mellow with that news, but once more my being a hopeless romantic got the better of me, since I romanticized that we would patch all of it up  and be like in my childhood. She came and brought gifts and some for me too, I was so happy I thought things were looking up. Then she told me that she had nothing to do with my gifts and for that matter she didn't want to bring me anything, that if I was happy i should thank her husband since he was the one that got me the gifts. Back to the special one week religious course it had been the first time we could take pics and they were all compiled in a DVD and we each got a copy, as I said it was supposed to be a great accomplishment and when I told them of the DVD only Cesar my aunt's husband said we should watch it everyone else decided on the VHS tape of my other aunt's wedding that had been like 15 years from. I was so sad since it was seen a wonderful accomplishment and they didn't care one bit.

Well, got to go, I'm running out of space to write. And I feel like im dying here trying not to cry, so bye.


Thanks for reading, how have you liked it so far?
Şŧąყ ʄřơŞŧყ, ŞɯɛɛŧɧɛąřŧŞ! ąŋɖ ɖơŋ'ŧ ʄơřɠɛŧ Ҡɛɛק řųŋŋıŋɠ!!!!!
Song of chapter: teddybear by Melanie Martinez.
If you need a place to rant, here it is! Your friend and/or mother, Nena!