Joyriding

March 18, 2018

T/W: toxic and controlling relationship, drug abuse, emotional manipulation, cheating, alcohol abuse, anorexic tendencies, binging and purging, BDSM with no safe word, ignoring safe word, possessiveness.


Hey,



    So now im gonna talk about my worst break up, about Erick, and how he fucked me up so bad I couldn't get over it for three years. Where to start with him? Well I guess it would be good to tell you that at first i didn't like him like that, I actually quite despised him. Yet how did this happen? Well strap in this is a bumpy ride.

    Ok so I met Erick when I was 13 and he instantly became my brother's best friend and he hung out at the house 24/7 sometimes I'd get home and want to change but couldn't since he would be there with my brother, due to me and him sharing a bedroom, once I was so pissed when I got back because I had to get into a fight to get my shit at a trade that, since they weren't leaving the room that threw my shoes at them to get them to leave, high heels and all. I also hated that my parents seemed to love him.

    He always made it seem he was interested, and yeah he fit my type, which is basically anyone older than me but he was too interested, so I hated him for whatever reason I really didn't know. He'd sometimes get me flowers or candy, and I always threw the flowers away and ate the candy with my best friend at that time, Ruby. She would always tell me to not treat him like that and I'd just shrug and say maybe. Before Ruby and my brother got married she asked me to go out with him for a month and if I still hated him I could leave him. And I said fine I'd do it but he couldn't take away my weed or get in the way of my drinking telling me I had to sober up. She promised me he wouldn't and before I let him take me out the first time we got together as a group to smoke and drink, something that we did constantly during our relationship.

    That was where my life turned from shitty to shittier. I, unfortunately, started to fall for him, something that I should have never let happen. After three months I was utterly under his control, I was so gone, I caved into his every whim. And those three months were beautiful, he was sweet and caring, but then things changed, first it started with small stuff, like my makeup, don't use such dark lipsticks, don't use that black eye shadow, you don't look pretty a with it, and so on, at this point my self esteem was non existent,that's probably why I would think he was just looking out for me.

    For me things never stay good for long, so here is how my happily ever after became happily never after. I should have seen the signs from the beginning. At this age in my life I loved Avril Lavinge, she was my queen and I dressed like her, in other words I rocked the skater chic aesthetic and the skater lifestyle and he hated it so I changed for him because I thought he loved me, I wore pastels for him and skirts and shit like that which wasn't me but he loved it when I dressed that way so I did it. I even went through cosmetology school for my mother and him since they said I wasn't girly enough, they would tell me I wasn't a boy to be and that I needed to act like a lady. I also wasn't allowed to wear certain things and I had to distance myself from my guy friend because he'd get really jealous.

    Around the sixth month of our relationship we started having sex because of course I would let him, at first he didn't mind that I wanted to wait for going all the way but eventually it wasn't enough for him even if I let him do with me as he pleased and that was when our relationship got abusive, he several times ignored me when I had said our safe word or other time he would just gag me so I really couldn't say it but still he didn't do it because he wanted me to break and tell him to do it.

    After the first year rolled along, I found out he had cheated on me with a girl that gave him the thing I was reluctant to and yet I thought it was my fault so I cried to him and begged him not to leave me, I would tell him I could change and be sluttier and that with a little more time I would give it to him. And yet this went on 6 more times with girls I didn't know or care who they were, always with he same result, me crying and begging for his forgiveness. Until the last fateful time he decided to cheat with my best friend and sister in law, it hurt so bad and I hated them both so much, it was so painful that I returned to what I knew would ease my pain.

    I remember I tore my skin so bad, everywhere, I had cuts on my thighs, arms, stomach, chest, neck, and my hips everywhere I could I cut and washed the pain with alcohol as well as tended to my cuts with it, as I would pour some of whatever I was drinking on where I cut to rid of any bacteria, I would mostly drink tequila or vodka because I needed to get to the point of not remembering even my name. He broke me in many ways this went on for three years, until I decided to stop drinking so much, I had stopped getting stoned before I found out since I wanted to do it with him and I wasn't opposed to him knocking me up.

  Dear lord I let him get away with a lot, but enough of all this pain, now I wanna talk about two different guys that I love, they pulled me up when I was close to ending myself. I wanna talk about my best guy friends, two of the few friends that hasn't hurt me. Gotta go cause just thinking about Erick makes me start shaking, so that's it for now.

                Bye!

Stay frosty, my wicked kids!
What do you think about this person? Have you ever met someone like that?
Song of story: dead to me by Melanie Martinez and if you can't hang by Sleeping With Sirens.