darling - [ joshler ]

sixteen

(photo: unknown)

—

it's dark as they walk to joshua's apartment. joshua holds the unopened envelope and tyler's gift to him in his hand at his side with his other bundled up into the pocket of his tuxedo. they don't speak, but feel the glittering needles of starlight over their shoulders and fall quiet in each other's company again. the night is warm until the sky begins to cover with clouds, and as they pass through the tulip fields blue with darkness, it begins to rain. at first, they  simply continue to walk. their hair and shoulders become damp. then mud begins to form in the road, so joshua stops, and holds out the envelope with the gift.

"tiens ça," joshua says in the dark, "je te porterai." hold this, i will carry you.

so tyler takes the things gets onto joshua's back. the brunet smiles to himself when he holds around joshua's shoulders with the things in his hands. as he rests his face to the back of his shoulder. he notices that joshua's hair is shorter now, but he still likes it.

the clouds pour onto the french countryside. tyler's back soaks through, and joshua's dress shoes turn muddy. they get closer to town until the lights come just out of reach, and then joshua begins to run. tyler seizes joshua for his life. he can't help but laugh, and so joshua laughs too, holding tyler's thighs tightly to him. as the muddy roads become cobbled stone, they are bright with laughter and drenched with rain. joshua runs all the way to his apartment with sleepy glowing windows passing overhead.

they tumble through the doorway of joshua's apartment and he finally puts tyler down. for a moment, all is quiet, and the only sounds are the raindrops rolling off of hair and falling to the floor. joshua stands with his back against the shut door and looks at tyler. tyler holds joshua's things, and looks at him. they are wet and cold and breathing heavy in the dark, and suddenly, in the fading of smiles on their faces, joshua misses france.

tyler rushes to joshua and kisses him, his gift and envelope falling to the floor. there are no words; only touches, and feelings, and looks, and they spend that night together with heavy hearts in chests which are heavy too—sometimes with breathing, sometimes with aching.

there is one point in the night when they have shed their clothes and joshua sits up against the wall with tyler in his lap. joshua has his arms around the small in tyler's back, kissing his chest and moaning into his skin. tyler has one hand on the wall behind joshua, the other wrapped around the back of his head, and feels something so intense that at times, there are no words that can he can find for it, just expressions of a hung mouth and knitted eyebrows and shut eyes, only noises of breathlessness and pleasure. he takes his hand at joshua's hair and lifts his face very suddenly, looking at his eyes. joshua's mouth is fallen as he buries into tyler, and when they see each other, they moan.

"je t'aime," tyler whispers quickly. "je t'aime, je t'aime." i love you.

joshua is lost. he is too deep into this feeling, really know what tyler has said, only feels it inside of him, and craves it.

"je t'aime," joshua says back in a breathless voice, "je t'aime, tyler. toujours." always.

afterwards, they lay next to each other. tyler runs his fingers through joshua's hair. joshua glides his fingertips over tyler's skin, up his sides, his shoulders, his cheek. sometimes, the brunet will shiver, and smile shyly with joshua smiling at him.

"i love you," tyler says in his knotted english.

"i love you," joshua says back.

tyler takes his hands out of joshua's hair and pulls it back to himself.

"non," tyler says, troubled suddenly, "i mean, i love you. i want to be with you."

"i... " joshua doesn't understand. "i do too. but i leave tomorrow."

"stay," tyler says. "you can stay. i will not go to the house. i will stay here, with you. you can paint me. i can write."

joshua feels his heart darken.

"tyler..."

"je pense toujours à toi," he whispers with desperation. i think about you all the time. "est-ce que tu m'aimes?" do you love me?

joshua presses his brows down over his eye and watches tyler glance between his eyes, looking so scared with his cheek on the mattress now.

"yes... oui. i always have. but, my plane leaves for america—"

"then miss it," tyler says. "stay in france. we can love each other here."

"what happened?"

tyler looks at him.

"what do you mean?"

"i mean," joshua darts his eyes over tyler's features, "you didn't want this before. when i told you, i could have made the choice to stay in france."

"i... i know. i'm sorry." and he does look sorry, tyler looks sad and small and joshua reaches out to push the hair away from his forehead.

"ça va," joshua says. it's okay.

"i just, did not think you would leave. brendon told me you are leaving, and i have not wanted to admit that i miss you, but now you are leaving and i do not know what to do."

"brendon told you?"

"oui," tyler nods.

joshua looks off past tyler's shoulder and thinks.

"i suppose i am stubborn, like you say." tyler's voice dampens, and joshua looks back to him. "i spend months thinking about you, but i do not say anything until i realize i love you, and you are saying you must leave. but joshua, i need you to stay. i do not know how to love, but i feel it like you said. i feel it for you and if you leave, i will not know what to do. i am sorry, joshua. please, please be in love with me too, and stay."