gonna get burnt • patrick hockstetter x oc

02; pink tube tops

*warnings/triggers* foul language, anxiety, child abuse, eating disorder tendencies
september 22, 1988 cont.
2 pm
the smell of strong cologne was present in the room along with loud sounds of smacks of gum as the teacher wrote effortlessly along the black chalkboard. i cringed at how the small piece of chalk scraped across the board. every single thing seemed to agitate me today, but that was just like every other day.

the clock was ticking as i stared off at a blank wall, distracting myself with my thoughts instead of focusing on the small noises filling up the quiet room. everything in derry seemed eerie and quiet, even when kids biked up and down the street laughing. even when bells from the church rang on sundays throughout the whole town. even when small pitter- pattering of sixteen year old girls heels that try too hard echoed throughout the hallways of small derry high. the quiet drove me insane.

as i waited for the dismissal bell to ring, the last five minutes peeked my anxiety. i felt the adrenaline move throughout my body and pump through my veins. i just wanted to be home in my bed. just lye there and stare blankly up to my ceiling. free from the world. that's all that i could ask for. but no, i had to watch the skinny blonde girls in their neon pink tube tops walk by me. they even looked good in neon pink tube tops and cropped blue shorts in the middle of fall. it made me disgusted sometimes how much i envied them. i envied not for the same popularity or status, but the same body and confidence that they had and that i lacked. i wanted to be accepted by myself. ashley, amanda, and amy strutted past me, sneering my way as their red stilettos hit the ground as almost all the boys in class drooled over their blonde, frizzy, permed locks.

3 pm
richie met up with me at the end of the day, his two friends bill and eddie joining us once again.

"the day treat you three well?" i questioned as we continued down the street which derry high was located on.

"what the hell do you think?" richie spatted in response, clearly agitated.

"s-s-she was j-just a-asking a q-q-question." bill stuttered in my defense.

"i'm just fucking tired of being the biggest nerd in derry high." rich huffed as his bicycle came to a slow.

"you're not the biggest nerd." i laughed in his direction, "have you seen jonathan pickets? i'm sure that title has already been claimed."

"excuse me, i'm sorry, i'm biggest nerd in the fucking freshman class." rich corrected himself sarcastically, evidently feeling a bit better from my comment.

as we all dropped our bikes in the front lawn, i ran up the stairs and swung open the front door, feeling the urge growing more to lye down.

"richie, rose," maggie called from the kitchen, seeming like she hadn't left there all day. "come in here, i need to have a talk with you both."

i sat down in the wooden chair on the right side of the scanty dining table. the dining table had large yellow dandelions in a blue vase, almost covering enough room to cover maggie's face. the light wood table seemed to be freshly cleaned, emitting the scent of citrus and chemicals. wentworth was sipping probably his fifth cup of coffee that day; it seemed odd that he was home so early from work.

"richie the school called and they said you were late to biology." maggie said in disbelief.

"yeah, i was like a minute late. i had to finish a paper in my english class." rich simply stated, assuming that was enough for our parents to believe him.

"that's unacceptable rich." wentworth put down his mug and shook his head in disapproval.

"very unacceptable. i hope that i never hear you doing something like that ever again." maggie looked away, "you're dismissed, but no dinner or friends for you tonight. send bill and eddie home now please."

"ok, sorry mom, sorry dad." richie shrugged, walking towards the front door.

flashback to may of 1981

"mommy please," richie begged as he thrashed and wailed his arms and legs on wentworth's back.

"you just need to learn your lesson, dear." maggie spoke gracefully in the direction of rich.

"mommy i'm hungry!" rich cried once more and started sobbing. once rich started screaming, wentworth smacked the boys head against a wall nearest to him. the blow instantly knocked him out, blood forming atop of his head and he set off on his journey up the stairs.

"don't you dare hurt him!" i screamed and ran after wentworth trying to grab the flopping boy out of his firm grip.

"don't you dare tell me what to do! i'm his father!" wentworth screamed in return, dropping the boy on the stairs and turning around to smack me in the face harshly. an unbarring sting of pain rapidly spreading across my left cheek.

i screeched in pain and then felt a blow to my eye as I feel back onto the floor as wentworth continued carrying rich up the stairs.

"what a useless girl." maggie shamefully said as she followed wentworth up to rich's bedroom.

i was only nine then, rich being only three or so years younger. all i can remember that night is the thoughts of being unloved and hurt coming in agonizing rushes. all i did was lay there until night arrived a short hour later, crying, soon tucking myself underneath my floral sheets to cry some more. i've never felt so unwanted until then.

present day cont.

"and for you rose," maggie started jerking her head back and forth in disapproval, simply just because of my existence, "you're grounded for a week."

"grounded for a week?" i repeated. what the hell did i do wrong? it was rich that was late, not me. this was ridiculous.

"you're rubbing off poorly on your brother. he's been acting differently. you've been around him too much." wentworth explained. "we'll be sending you to aunt nina's this weekend so rich can have time to adjust back to his original behaviors."

"we don't want him to end up like you rose." maggie said almost sounding sympathetic, "you can understand that right?"

"understand that? you want me to understand that somehow i'm not a good influence on rich? that i'm making him into a bad person? he was late to one goddamn class." i shouted in response, standing up straight from the table.

"rose, you best stop using that tone of voice with me." maggie demanded calmly.

"you know what? fuck you maggie. fuck you wentworth. i hope you both get fucked in the ass." i shouted cruel words that in the end made no sense and tried storming away. before i could get very far i felt a strong arm grab my own and shove me against a nearby wall. the window was half open and the light blue curtains floated in the swirling wind. that's what my arms felt like thrashing against his. i felt defeated and stuck in a windstorm. my words losing all purpose in the gust full wind and a familiar sting came across my face. i was then pushed by wentworth's arms to the ground.

"go to your room and don't come out until i say." wentworth shouted, him and maggie both watching as i shamefully collected myself from the cold floor and up the stair case.

9 pm

it was 9 pm and the sun had finally gone down as i ran my hands over my dirty converse, clutching to the soles for comfort. i was hungry and trapped. hungry for food and love and trapped in a room that was in the middle of a world of sorrow. i felt sick to my stomach but a starving hunger brewed inside of me. sometimes i would question if it was the hunger for food i lusted for or the hunger for acceptance and love. i often felt alone, not having anyone there for me and if they were, in the end i was just a crutch for them. relying and trusting someone was hard. probably the hardest thing i could imagine doing... besides loving myself. besides loving myself enough to allowing myself to a full meal.

beside my bed lay an empty paper sack i kept for times like this. clutching it, i tore it open and thrust my fingers down my throat, waiting for the familiar warm feeling once it came and released all of my sorrows into the bland brown bag. i rolled it up and slid it under my bed, hoping to never see the same sorrow again. but i always did.

wentworth forgot about me or didn't care enough to retrieve me from my bedroom so another 30 minutes went past sitting in silence and playing with a lighter i had found in my drawer and blank pages from my notebook. i slid the lighter underneath the lined paper, and watched the flames devour it. i didn't own the lighter because i smoked, but i thought there'd come a day i'd shove rich out of the house we shared and burn myself along with my parents and along with the shit trapped in our house down to the ground. the urge to do so grew inside me and i had to push it aside. not today. today wouldn't be the day.

i slid up from my same position i had been in for hours and made my way out my window. our house was a second story home but had accessible roofs that was easy to climb about on. as the contact between my converse and the roofs paneling connected, i slid myself out and across the roof, chucking my body down onto the grass. then i ran.