gonna get burnt • patrick hockstetter x oc

06; romeo & juliet

*warnings/triggers*  foul language, self harm, violence, eating disorder tendencies, mentions of sex
september 26, 1988
6 pm
the only three words racing through my mind were: worthless, stupid, slut. that's who i've become this past week. nothing but a laugh to the student body of derry high school. constant remarks from boys saying "tozier you wanna come give me a handy?" or from girls that would gossip in the hallways and say, "how could she be so stupid? what a slut" constantly filled my ears in the last two days. it made me develop a nasty habit.

i stood before myself in the mirror and clutched the small sharp object that resided in my hand. my rosy cheeks were tear stained and hot. i lifted the back of my hand to rest on my cheek as i thought of today. it was wednesday and the remarks only gotten worse. "if i were her i'd probably commit suicide. that's so embarrassing" amanda said in english today to the large group which surrounded her. her lips smacked together with the pink bubblegum in her mouth as her words almost sounded like slow motion to me. boys would grab at me violently in the hallway and whisper dirty things in my ear or even aloud. i was now the talk of the school, and it seemed as if my reputation was completely ruined. the story even got spread to my brother and the rest of the losers club. i hadn't gotten much shit from the bowers gang which surprised me the most. maybe patrick felt bad, but it was highly doubtful. i saw his true colors the other day and i saw why everyone thought he had the characteristics of being a physcopath.

i lifted my hand from my cheek and regained the now familiar angle to crank my hand against my wrist. i pulled the razor from my old shaver, becoming desperate to relieve my pain. because now my weight wasn't just something that was constantly stabbing at me— it was my worth. the ways i managed to control my urges of my size didn't have the same effect to help the additional trauma that was now implanted in my mind. i slid the razor forcefully across my wrist. i wasn't using a very handy tool for this sort of thing. a huge sting, almost like a feeling of burning rushed across my skin as i looked down to see the blood pouring lightly from my new self-inflicted wound. i gripped my hands onto the sink trying to keep myself upright, as four new lines had blood seeping out from them, and the visual came almost too much to handle. anxiety started to flood my body as it hit me how deep i cut and how vivid the scars will be. what will people make fun of me now for? my body was already gross enough as it is.

i took my free hand and attempted to smear the blood that was seeping out over my arm, trying to scrub it away. not wanting to put hot water on my cuts because they burned already, but now i caused irritation to them. more hot water started to pour out of my eyes from the sensation, letting out soft whimpers and groans as i did so. i almost had a heart attack when the old white bathroom door opened quickly and forcefully. "oh my god." was all the boy could say as his jaw fell open. it was stan uris, one of my brothers close friends. one of the friends i took a strong liking to. he was funny and brought out the best in my brother. both of our faces grew pale as i stared at him and he stared at my bloody wrists. and with that, he slammed the door. leaving me once again alone, tears already pouring out again. did i expect a kid to do anything? sometimes i wish anybody would notice at this point. it's hard to be alone.

7 pm
after i took a refreshing cold shower i headed downstairs to grab a glass of water. i've been watching my figure even more recently since the talk of me was buzzing school. i don't want attention paid to my body enough than it already is, so i've restricted myself to only three glasses of water a day. i think dehydration helps me lose more weight, but all i can do is hope.

my lips curled upward as i saw all of my brothers friends playing a game in the living room. all of their faces laughing and rich seeming happy for the first time in a week, a wide smile rested upon his face. a rare sight i hadn't seen for awhile.