gonna get burnt • patrick hockstetter x oc

04; lonely

*warnings/triggers*  foul language, eating disorder tendencies, smut
september 24, 1988
9 am
it's sunday and it's the last day at my aunt nina's. upset would be an understatement. i love aunt nina, she seems to be the only one to keep me sane besides rich. i don't tell her about maggie and wentworth because no matter how much she loves me, she'd never believe me. it's almost as if the universe is against me.

i stepped out of the clean shower the upstairs spare room provided, letting the cool air caress my skin. i stepped onto the scale that resided next to the tub. i always told myself that i wouldn't keeping doing this to myself and that it only makes me feel worse but hating myself was the only thing i had left when it came down to it. "we're our own worst critics" almost seems like a silly meaningless phrase made by normal people at this point. i noticed i have dropped significant weight between now and last time i visited my aunt. nina's house is the only house i visit which i am able to use a scale. maggie doesn't keep scales in the house because she believes that they are toxic, which is one thing that i wouldn't argue with her about. the amount of weight i lost would make some people happy, but it only managed for me to feel worse. only that much? you could do so much better than that. the voice in my head repeated like a broken record and i was possessed to let go of this mornings breakfast.

3 pm
"well here we are." aunt nina spoke to me simultaneously waving at maggie through the cars window. "did you have a good time?"

"i wish that i could just live with you." i sighed deeply, collecting my belongings from the back seat.

"if i didn't live so far away i wouldn't be opposed to it. but your mom and dad would miss you so much. you and richie ought to stay sometime." nina offered which just made me feel even worse because soon seemed to far.

"promise?" i asked in all seriousness.

"oh well of course i promise rose." nina smiled as i let myself out of the car. it was a loose promise, but it was still a promise. "stay out of trouble!" she called once more from the car.

"oh trust me, there's no trouble to get into." i light heartedly joked, but it wasn't all a complete joke. derry was a town in which nothing happened, a complete and utter bore.

i was immediately sent to my room once i got home, not being able to speak a word to rich which is what i looked forward to all weekend. maggie thought i needed time to adjust back into the houses ways before speaking to anybody. but rich was the only one i had. he was my best friend and i missed him dearly.

8 pm
i had only been away from aunt nina for about five hours now and it was growing close to dark, but loneliness started to fill up my heart. why was i always so fucking lonely all the time?

the other night started to render in my brain. the chapped lips of an dangerous acquaintance spon filled my memory. that was the one time i didn't feel lonely and i blew it. maybe if i would've done what he wanted, would that cure my loneliness? would he stay by my side after? stupid me. that's not how the world works. patrick hockstetter was a kid who only did what was beneficial to him and commitment was not in his vocabulary.

i couldn't wrap my head around why i failed to attract people in my life. i couldn't get my own family on my side, let alone a friend.

i wanted so bad to relive the pain i was feeling, but i didn't know how. it was all bottled up and wanting to spill out but i just kept it sealed tight like a jar.