Little Ami

chapter 1

"Mummy let's go and see daddy".Great fucking Great
So I just woke up to that...All my saturday mornings started like that .Ami made me promise that I'll take her to the cemetery every other weekend .She wrote to him all the story's I had read to her in the week and every single detail that happened when 'he was away'.
" Mummy wake up we gonna be late"she nagged this time shaking my arms
"Okay sweetheart I'll be down in a few.Tell Liz to prepare everything" I said pulling her hair even attempting a sleepy smile.
She nodded and left still holding her teddy on one hand and a jelly comb on the other of course my tenth jelly comb for Gods sake!am still figuring where she tosses them..
Liz had been our nanny for so long now, she was so kind and for one they got along so well with Ami they even managed to pull a conversation of God knows what .That had been my priority in finding Ami's nanny as long as she agreed to be fed by her ,the rest I'll go figure ..

It still pissed me off a little,okay,just a little since this was about my daughter. It was just annoying how Ami still wanted to visit the graveyard frequently and most especially since each time we left the cemetery we always went back home so desperate and sad ,while all i did was try so hard to put it in the past and learn how to move on and focus on my daughter,I wanted us to be happy again .

I had never imagined losing Raf .I had never imagined a life without him ,i had never imagined having to raise Ami all alone with no one she could ever call daddy,no one to run to in the evenings ,even doing all the bed time stories by myself. It was so fucking hard! There was no adjusting.

Its been a year but I still lay on our bed each night waiting for My RAF to one day open that damn door and just show up to me again even one last time 'Just come home love' is all I murmured before I cried myself to sleep.I loved him so much,God I just loved this man more than breathing and am sorry that I still owed God a proper explanation as to why he decided to take away the father to my child. I still wanted to know what I did to deserve loosing the love of my life.

I was even more mad at RAF .Mad at him for letting me raise our daughter by myself,mad at him for leaving me ..I thought he said he was never leaving,what happened to 'I'd catch a grenade for you' what even happened to 'I'd jump in front of a train just to be with you ' ..Anyway Easy come Easy Go,just when I thought I had figured my life out ..

It took me less than an hour to get ready .I took breakfast in the kitchen counter while having a little conversation with Ami who wanted her hair washed and dried later when we were back."mummy my head is itchy"count on Ami to be undoing her hair after two weeks. But who was I to say no .I finished up and so we hit the road to Raf Raf,reminds me of how Ayla my sister use to call him.Talking of my sister i had to call her later in the evening to check on her,I miss her so much.

It took us 30 minutes to be at the cemetery,it was almost a long drive but far much better than if we had to travel 5 hours to RAF's home town.I still don't get why his family insisted on laying his body at their home.

Ami is so busy mumbling something I can't make out what because my eyes are so fixed at the picture on the grave, its Raf,Rafael Bien,the man I married when I was barely 20
Time hasn't made sense since he left .I still couldn't find any closure .

I took Ami for lunch and the rest of the weekend went pretty much fast