Little Ami

chapter 8

I walked into my room feeling everything so  heavy,my feet felt heavy ,my eyes were  heavy ,my mouth was so heavy ,I was in shock .I closed the door  holding it as i leaned on it sliding down,I had no strength to this one.It was a mixed reaction.It stung.There was no tears.

How even?

My husband was the most loyal person in this world .

Then the boys picture kept playing in mind.It was a clear photocopy of RAF,how did I not even notice that.He looked Like a 3year old .And for 3years Rafael kept me in the dark?3 fucking good years I lived a li e 'Men are a whole piece of trash' 'Men are dogs' .I started to see the truth in my best friends words.  But why?
Why was this woman telling me now? Who sent her? How did she know where I leave? Who gave her that name ? 'Carinton' my foot .

'Why RAF? Why now? ' I was standing Infront of a picture of Raf ,'what did I ever do?didn't I love you like how a woman should love their man?didn't I give you everything?' I wanted this man to talk ,I don't know how,but somehow I wanted answers. ' TALK' I yelled knocking the frame down causing it to break into a million pieces as I watched it spill .

Spill into a million piece just like my heart .

That evening I did not move out of my room,I don't  remember how I fell  asleep but I remember  Ami calling me severally asking me to open the door but I couldn't let her see me in that state ,so I told her I'll be in her room in a few ,but I don't remember moving a body ,I slept .I slept it away.

On Sunday I woke up feeling a little relieved,how could a stranger walk into my house and claim that my husband is his? Without proof ,maybe she just wants money,maybe it's all scam,maybe it's even a nightmare,but no the glasses were still on the floor .That's how I easily get carried away ,once my emotions are tempered with,all my strength gets worn out  .

I woke up knowing Liz left early in the morning ,she usually has her leave on Sundays or the whole weekend when I feel like my daughter and I should have some 'privacy' .Ami was still asleep ,it was just 6'Am afterall ,so I did the cleaning ,did laundry , made breakfast and sat on the dinning room trying to catch a chapter on my favourite book 'After' ,before  Ami wakes up.

I tried so hard to keep my mind off yesterday's drama ,but it kept playing through my mind,so I made it a point to ask someone ,maybe go by Riverside to Rafael's  home ,to the Carinton's ,to my in-laws ,the thought alone sounded scary .

What if it is true ,one of them has to know something ,Rafael was so close with his father like so close .

Or should I call my mother ,or should I call Lilian my best friend? Maybe I should ask my sister to come over if she doesn't have classes tomorrow,I need someone..."Mama is anything wrong?" I was cut short from my little trip to sadland ."No honey,am okay" eat your food .She noticed how off I was today,while I tried my best to make up for yesterday.I guess nothing is working.

Am just a terrible mother.

My daughter deserves a smile on her face ,children are innocent,she doesn't even know why am sulking .AM PUTTING MY SHIT BEHIND  and putting a smile on my child's face."honey,wear your shoes ,let's get you horse riding ,your favourite right?"
"Yaaaaaay ,mama " she screamt  filling the house with laughter again.

And it was that simple .Parenting requires patience ,lesson 99.I tapped myself on the back that evening ,for smiling with an heavy heart ,for pretending to be so excited  watching her beautiful self  ride on that horse as she waved at me screaming 'mama'
My mind was so far away ..but my heart was sure to be present with her that moment.

Because child you are all that matters .
And I will love you even when you no longer love yourself

Yes I will.