Kissing My Cousin

Jealousy

The whole journey from Himring to Hithlum, I puzzled about what could have excited Findekáno so much that he needed me there so urgently. But then, it had been nearly two years since we'd seen each other last, and even his letters to me had become few and far between. Still this latest letter had been full of excitement, and spoke of a secret, a surprise that he wanted to share with me as soon as possible. He seemed happy, at least, and so was I that we would finally have the opportunity to spend time together.

It was Findekáno's custom to ride out into the vale to meet me some miles away from Hithlum, but this time he did not. He was not even waiting for me at the gate. Servants took my horse and I rushed inside, calling his name. Eventually he heard me and came hurtling down the stairs. "Maitimo!" He threw his arms around me and kissed me hard.

From somewhere upstairs I heard a baby cry, and felt him tense, and he pulled away from the kiss. He was still smiling. "Come with me, there's someone I want you to meet," and he tugged me by the hand, leading me upstairs. I was surprised to see, in his chambers, a dark-haired woman sitting by the window nursing a very young infant. "This is Alassë, he said to me. "And this..." he placed his hand gently on the baby's head, "this is Ereinion."

I looked at him blankly, not understanding.

"Maitimo, Ereinion is my son."

Long pause. "So... Alassë is your wife?"

Findekáno nodded, smiling broadly.

I felt nauseous. I turned around and rushed back downstairs, not stopping until I was outside again, headed halfway to the stables with the intention of riding back to Himring.

Married... with a child...! How can he do this to me?

In my rage I kicked the gate to the stable-yard so hard that I broke it, and I fell to my knees amongst the splintered wood. My heart was broken. How long I knelt there I do not know, but eventually I felt a touch on my shoulder and I looked up into Findekáno's grey eyes. I turned away, refusing to meet his gaze.

"Maitimo, please..." I pulled away from his touch and continued to stare, through my tears, at the floor. "Maitimo! Look at me!"

I looked. "I apologise for the gate," I said stiffly. "I will leave enough money for its repair before I depart."

"Maitimo! I don’t care about the damn gate!" He sighed. "Please, don’t leave."

"You have no need for me now," I replied. "You have your wife and your baby. Tell me, Findekáno, do you love her?"

"I cannot explain it, but yes, I do. Though it is different from the love I share with you."

"How can you... how can you love us both? How can I ever sleep again, knowing that you're sleeping in her arms, instead of mine?" I stood up and kicked again at what remained of the gate. "How can I share you, Findekáno? Do you no longer love me?"

"Oh, Maitimo!" He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I did not return the gesture. "Of course I love you. You are the fire in my soul. You and I are bonded, I cannot help but love you."

"Then why?" I demanded.

"Because, no matter how deep or strong or perfect is our love there will always be one thing missing."

I stared at him, understanding hitting me as hard as if he'd punched me in the stomach. He was right. There was one thing I would never be able to give him, and so he'd sought for it elsewhere.

A child.