❝yours, tommy❞ | dylmas

11. what have I done?

Dylan POV

From: tommy♡: Dylan, this is the last text I send you. At first, I thought something had happened to you but now I think you just don't want to hear from me anymore and want me to leave you alone. So, I'm going to. Just so you know, I'm deadly worried, but I think you just don't care. I hope you're safe anyway. Bye

"Fuck!"

I shout and throw my phone across the room, gasping when it finishes straight into the wall.

"Eh! First of all, you calm down!"

Great, now Julia screams at me. She gets up from the couch and picks up my phone.

"Jesus. You're lucky it isn't broken. What the fuck Dylan?"

I rub my face in my hands, trying to chase the tiredness away. I haven't been able to sleep properly for days.

"I fucked up. I fucked up so bad Julia", I say, feeling a huge panic rising inside of me. I pace through my living room to calm down, but I can't.

"He'll never want to talk to me again."

"Are you kidding me? You ignored him for the whole week, what did you think would happen?"

My sister is being rough on me and frankly I deserve it. I do not respond though, because I know that if I talk I'll start crying and I don't want to. My sister looks through my phone at all the texts I received from Thomas.

"God, Dylan, did you see how broken the boy is? Why don't you just respond?!"

Not being able to hold back the tears any longer, I burst out crying, my head resting on the table.

"I can't! I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up..."

I feel my sister's hands on my shoulders, squeezing gently. "Yes, you did. And now you have to fix this."

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut. "I can't. I'd only hurt him more and more."

"Oh my god Dylan, stop this. He loves you for a reason. If you were bad for him, he'd be smart enough not to care about you."

Straightening up, I glance at my sister who softly rubs the tears away from my eyes and cheeks.

"No, you don't understand. You didn't see him at the bakery. You didn't see how bad it is. How can I take care of him if I don't even know how to deal with his panic attacks? What if I hurt him more?"

"Stop it, Dylan. Can you be so dramatic sometimes. How do you think he's feeling at the moment, uh? I'm sorry but you already hurt him! Did you see his texts? How could you push him away because you're scared of hurting him? It doesn't make any sense."

She makes a point. I guess, deep down, I already knew that what I was doing was wrong.

When Thomas left, everything that happened between us hit me all at once. And I got scared that I couldn't make him happy. I mean, I've never been in a relationship like this before. And I got scared that I couldn't understand how he feels, that I could never be enough, or that I couldn't reassure him during his anxiety crisis.

I thought someone else could make him happier, I thought I didn't deserve a perfect person like Tommy.

So, I just stopped answering him. Every text gave me the feeling of my heart being strained. I hated myself every second for doing this.

And now that I'm about to lose him, I realize what a jerk I've been. How wrong I was. I realize that I need him in my life as much as I need air to breathe and I realize that he needs me too. And I've been so scared to hurt him, that I've refused to face reality.

"Listen, I know you're scared, but you have to think about him now. If you love him, you need to get your stupid ass to the airport, fly to London and apologize. And you need to do it now."

"He'll never forgive me." I mutter.

"Maybe. Then you'll have to work on it. You know Dylan nothing's ever easy. And right now, you have a lovely, precious man who loves you and who's deadly worried about you. Everything you told me about him, the sparkles on your eyes when you talk about him? You can not let that go. But he's also fragile, he has insecurities, issues. And that's a part of his life you can't ignore nor run away from. Believe me, it's way harder for him than for you."

I realize how right my sister is and my heart starts to flutter, halfway between pain and hope. Hope that I can still fix it, that I can still have my Tommy back and make everything right. I pull Julia into a tight hug as I whisper a thank you, and tell her how much I love her.

"You're worthy, Dylan. You deserve to be happy and I know Thomas is your little personal happiness. And I also know that you'll be able to take care of him."

"...You really think so?"

She nods and smiles at me. "Now go pack! Lots of stuff. I'll stay here to watch over your house."

I rush up the stairs and pack everything I can think of, my brain working at top speed. I can't think straight. I don't forget to pack the tee-shirt Tommy gave me, with his sweet perfume on it. I hear Julia screaming down the stairs. "Come on! I booked you the next plane, but we have to go now, I'll drive you!"

We're in the car in less than two minutes. I can't stop my legs from shaking, the urge of meeting Tommy stronger than ever. It's a strange feeling though, so many emotions cross my mind: I'm scared, because he'll obviously be mad at me, and also because I know that I hurt him really bad. That gives me a terrible guilt feeling. Fear, guilt, hope, impatience, stress, everything collides in my brain. I suck in huge gulps of air, and Julia keeps telling me comforting things.

Eventually we arrive to the airport and my sister gives me one last reassuring look. I can do this.

🌼

The plane trip is a torture and the stress is so huge that I could scream. Every minute that goes by is unbearable and I've got so many questions in my head.

How is Tommy feeling? More mad, or more sad? Either way, I'll be so angry at myself. What is he doing right now? Is he even home? Could he still want me? Could he forgive me?

Fuck you, Dylan, honestly. Why did you have to do this?

🌼

The plane is landing in London when I wake up and I'm surprised that I've actually been able to sleep for a few hours.

As soon as I've got my suitcase back, I get into a cab.

Stress is trickling in. I can't stop shaking. I feel like my heart's about to explode. Especially when the cab pulls over in the street of Tommy's apartment.

I push the front door of Thomas' building, and run up the stairs, almost falling twice. I ring the bell before I can think more about this, about how I am going to apologize to him.

He opens the door, and my heart stops beating.

_______________

nda: Hey! This chapter is a little bit shorter than others but anyway. I hope you're all okay! Lots of love