A/N: Here you will find the note left to B, from you. Hopefully this final note will bring you closure within this story and help you understand the book fully, like an Epilogue is supossed to do. Anyways, enjoy! Please leave feedback and your thoughts on this book as this is the last chapter I will be adding to this series. If you are intrested in a sequel, I do have something in mind, feel free to comment or message me if you are interested. Please vote and subcribe because it does mean a lot.
Love, Cali♥
Dear B,
When you think about it, really think about it, love does conquer all. It's helped me this whole year, when I could have crashed and burnt but instead you were there to pick up all my pieces and make it right again. Alex and Lars were there too, they helped me out so much and I couldn't have thanked them enough.
I don't know where it went wrong, I mean when I totally lost it, to be honest it was probably the very first night when I came to Montreal. Do you remember that? How we reconnected again after all these years. I missed you so much I came straight to you. I could have totally dodged all of this and just fled, I could have left Canada but I went to you. That's love. I'm not to sure where I'm going with this letter, I guess I just want to get it all out on paper.
Lars and I had a talk a long time ago about how he has anxiety too, he's overruled it with his love for hockey and his family. I thought I could do that too but to be completely honest, in the back of my head I knew I couldn't ever be as strong as Lars is. B, you were my rock, my safe person, you helped me through everything but I shouldn't rely on you that much. You should just be there to help me get better and be there when I have tough days, you shouldn't be the only thing that gets me through a day.
I want to be completely honest with you now and tell you that yeah, I have thought, what's holding me from staying here any longer? Wouldn't it be so much easier to just leave, forever? B, you were the one that helped me for so long without actually killing myself. When I was with Tim, I thought about dying all the time, I could have killed myself back then, it would have been so much easier but I made myself believe Tim was the one and that I loved him. School also kept me going but it definitely wasn't my rock.
This note isn't my goodbye note, I'm not killing myself, I've overruled that possibility and that choice will never ever appeal to me again. In one way it sort of does feel like I'm killing myself or just a part of me because I am leaving, not forever but for a long time. I'm checking myself into a hospital B, where there are people that can help me. I don't know how long I'll be gone but I'm sure it will be for awhile.
If you're confused let me say one thing, when you asked me all those times if I was fine? If I was okay? I wasn't, I lied to you, I thought maybe one day you'd realize that I wasn't but apparently I'm a really good liar. (I laughed while writing that, just to let you know.) To put it out there B, I'm addicted, to my meds, those benzodiapines that I first got when I was diagnosed, yeah. I never told you but that one bottle you carried around with you, wasn't the only one. B, I was so fucked up, within the span of 2 months or since i got diagnosed I went through 2 pills everyday for 2 months, which would add up to 112 pills in the span of 2 months. Maybe it doesn't sound bad until you remember I was only supposed to take them when I could feel an anxiety attack coming and I clearly didn't follow that rule because then I'd be having 2 attacks every day for 2 months. And if I was I would be even more fucked up than I am now.
This letter had to be this long B, I'm really sorry for just springing this on you like this. You know I love you, this is gonna be better for me, and for us. I want you to know that B, I love you so much. And I'm sorry if I hurt you, I understand if you never want to see me again, or if you never contact me again. This is so sudden, I'm so sorry. I just didn't want to leave and have to say a goodbye. I know that would have been better but I couldn't handle something like that and deep down inside you know that. I hope this letter explains enough to you why I have to do this. B, just remember, I love you, even if you don't love me anymore.
Love, Y/N
P.S.: I love you. <3
P.S.S.: It's okay to cry, I cried the whole time I wrote this letter. <3
YOU ARE READING
A Brendan Gallagher Fanfiction
FanfictionA short story, that turned into more. Read on :)
