Hate Me

twenty - i'm sorry

( I have to block out thoughts for you, so I don't loose my head. )

 H U N T E R

I lay in my bed, an old photo in-between my hands, crying while saying the same two words over and over again; I'm sorry. 

I stare at the photo of MacKenzie and I only days before the plane crash. He's kissing the top of my head with his eyes closed and I'm smiling at the camera while I take the picture.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks.

I just wish I would have gotten the chance to see him again, to say something to him. But I never did and I never will again. 

The house is silent, my mom at work and me just getting home from school. Right now, I feel a large pain inside of me, a pain that I have felt, but never felt this strong before, heartbreak.

Heartbreak is probably the worst feeling I have had before. It is one of the main reasons why I have this depression. The problem with heartbreak is that it never really fades, all it takes is one memory that takes you back to that time where everything seemed perfect. You would probably still have the feeling when your married and living happily-ever-after. 

I stand up and move carefully on the floor that is neatly covered in pictures of MacKenzie and I. I took out every photo I could find of him and I and laid them out on the floor in the order they were taken. I carefully set the picture down next to one of MacKenzie and I at the top of the Ferris wheel when the fun fair was in town a couple years ago. His arms are wrapped around me and he's smiling, while I am laughing and smiling. The picture was taken from the ground, which means someone took it, not us. You can tell it's fall, because MacKenzie and I are both dressed up in coats and the trees on the side are turning from green to yellow.

I carefully crouch down and set the photo in my hand beside it before walking back to my bed and picking up another picture. I flip it over and look at the date before setting it where it belongs.

As I'm walking back to get another picture there's a knock on my door frame. I turn around with a picture in my hand and see MacKenzie standing there. He's wearing black skinny jeans and a band shirt. He's leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. 

I stare at him as he walks over to me making his way through the pictures without stepping on any. When he gets to me he takes the picture from my hand and looks at it. 

"I remember this. Do you?" He keeps looking at the picture as he says it, and I look at the picture thinking. The picture is of MacKenzie and I on my bed, my wrapped in his arms. I'm asleep but he's awake with his head laying on top of mine. Again someone was taking the picture of us, someone took it from the doorway. In the picture MacKenzie doesn't know someone was capturing the moment on camera, for he is looking at me in a way that says he loves me.

I stay silent before answering his question in a whisper, "I was asleep."

"I know." He looks up at me and smiles setting the picture to the side before putting me towards him. He hugs me towards him closely and rests his chin on my head as his arms wrap around my waste loosely. My arms stay bundled between our chests and I lay my head on his chest. I don't close my eyes, afraid that he will disappear like what happened before.

He slowly sways us side to side as he keeps hugging me to him. "I love you, you know that?" He says quietly, breaking the silence.

"I love you too." I whisper back.

MacKenzie pulls away a little and looks at me. He grabs my hands and roles the sleeves up on my sweater exposing some of my cuts and scars. "Baby..."

I look down, but I still don't close my eyes. 

"I wish I could kiss your scars away." I watch him as he slowly lifts my wrists to his mouth and kissing them softly.

"But you can't." I whisper after a minute, and he looks up at me. He drops my wrists and I quickly role my sleeves back down over my scars. 

I look away, towards the door and when I look back he's gone again. I guess you have to be looking at them too so they don't disappear. I sigh and pick up the picture MacKenzie had in his hands that is on the floor. I put it where it belongs before going back to my bed and laying down on it.

October is already there, laying at the end of the bed. I close my eyes before I start crying again.

I hear the rain hitting the roof as I continue to lay there, and soon after I fall asleep.

- - - -

A/N: Hi everyone! Hope you are all doing well!

I know it seems like it's been forever sense I have updated, because it has been forever! I am so sorry! I couldn't think of what to write about but then this came to mind and I made this.

I hope you all like this chapter.

I have the next update already started, so hopefully it will be out this week as planned. And I have the idea for the one after that so that one should be out soon too. 

Hmm nothing has really happened to me worth telling you all about, so yeah. I just got my new computer so I am starting to finalize this for publishing soon!

I hope you all have a great day. 

I love you all! Thank you for reading.