Delicate Pirouette [BXB]

Craving You

February 22, 1999

       Dear Diary,

      I can not do it... I just can not. I live my life every day, living in darkness; feeling like death; being depressed; having fear; shedding tears, and craving you. I should not crave such a beautiful person like you, but I can not help it. I just wish I was not a sucker for you and your pretty face, pretty personality. It is not okay. I can not fall for you and I can not be with you. Why you might ask? That is how our society works, our town works. Beauty is not allowed to be seen with ugly. Rich is not allowed to be with the poor. Clean can not be seen within the same distance as dirty. I can not be with you; it kills me every day.

      I steal glances at you every day in class. My body melts when I see your gorgeous face and when I hear your contagious laugh, my heart skips a beat. You are such a sweet person and full of kindness and beauty, but me, I am... not. Yes, I am kind- but I would not necessarily be considered sweet and kind like you are. And I am definitely not beautiful. I get called ugly, stupid, gay, dirty, fucked up, and unholy every day. If only you knew... If only you knew how bad I was treated. Then maybe you would notice me.

      You said you were against bullies, yet you never seem to do anything when I get bullied... why is that? Can you- a perfect human- not realize that I am suffering? You see all things, do you not? You are like an angel, but I guess you are unable to see everything because if you did, I would already have been saved. And maybe you do notice, but maybe you care less. I thought you were different, but maybe I was wrong.

      I just have no idea what to do with myself. Or with you.. or with the fact that I, Felix Tucker, am in love with you, Royce Skine. I do not want to believe it. Me, in love with you? Me, in love with the most beautiful, most rich, most kind boy alive... Me, an ugly, poor, quiet boy; in love with you? Although I picture us together, I could never actually see us together.

      I have to go now... School awaits as well as all those bullies. If only I could be who I used to be. If I could go back to being rich, pretty, smart, and popular, I know that I would be noticed by Royce again.

      I would do anything to be noticed by that angel; like I used to be. 

      Sayonara,

      F E L I X...

                                                                      - - - -

      After closing his diary and placing it inside of his nightstand, Felix slipped out of bed, stretching slightly. Writing in his diary had become an everyday thing. There was not a day where he did not write in it and although he had the desire to take it to school, he quickly learned not to.

      He took a deep breath and slowly dragged himself towards his bathroom, opening the door as he reached the entrance. After entering the bathroom, Felix closed the door behind himself, pulling up his sweatpants after taking care of his business. Walking over to his sink, Felix washed his hands slowly. He peered in the mirror and paid close attention to how tired and dirty his face appeared. No matter how many times he cleaned his face, he always assumed it appeared dirty.

      Felix let a sigh escape his lips and walked over to his shower, turning the water on. As he waited for the water to heat up, he quickly brushed his teeth, humming a random tune as he ran his toothbrush in repetitive circles.

       He carefully put his toothbrush back where it belonged and ran his slim fingers through his pitch-black hair, taking a deep breath as he began to noticed his bleach blonde hair showing in his roots. Shaking his head as he stood in front of the mirror, his appearance almost ghostly. Black has never been a complementary colour for Felix's fair skin tone, yet he still dyed it when he got the chance, as he enjoyed the stark contrast. Sadly, he will not be able to dye it once it fades, since his father was hit with financial problems.

      Walking over to his shower, Felix slipped his hand under the water to see how hot it was. After taking his hand out of the water, he dried it off with his towel and slipped his clothes off, carefully stepping into the shower. His breath hitched as the hot water crashed against his sensitive skin, the warmth heating his body instantly. He thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of hot water crashing against his tender skin, the water bringing immediate tranquillity and calmness. The water allowed Felix to close his eyes and wash away all the mess going on in his life, which at the time being, was quite a lot of mess.

                                                                - - - -

      After getting out of the shower, Felix dried his body off with his towel and wrapped it around his waist, walking over to his mirror and wiping the steam off with his forearm, checking his appearance in the mirror to see if he looked any cleaner than before. Sighing, Felix picked up his moisturizer, squeezing a small amount onto his hand, slathering the off-white cream against his skin. He then picked up his hair gel, allowing a quarter-sized amount to sit in his hand. Felix rubbed his hands together and ran them through his damp hair, trying his best to evenly disperse the product. Pulling his hairdryer from his cabinet, Felix plugged it in and turned it on hot, rushing to dry his hair so that he could curl his hair. Once his hair was fully dry, he reached for his curling iron and plugged it in, placing a strand of hair on the hot rod, winding his hair around the rod. As soon as he released the strand of hair, he heard his dad call from downstairs.

      "FELIX, TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL!!" His father yelled out, his voice shrill and urgent.

      "Fuck... I swore I woke up on time." He mumbled to himself, believing he had woken up with an hour to spare after writing in his diary... It had only been six. He quickly unplugged his curling iron and left it on the counter to cool off, grunting as he ran out of the bathroom, tugging on a pair of dark grey sweatpants and a black hoodie as fast as his arms could allow, wanting to feel somewhat comfortable.

      "FELIX!" His father yelled again, walking up the stairs. "Why are you taking so long?" he asked as he walked into Felix's room, looking him up and down with furrowed brows.

      "I thought I had forty minutes left. What time is it?" Felix asked, his lips twitching as he shoved his feet into a pair of black socks.

      "It is-" His father paused, looking at his watch and then back up at Felix, "Seven fifty. The time changed at midnight. We lost an hour," he said and turned around. "We need to leave in five, so be down soon." He mentioned, walking back downstairs.

      He grunted and peered into his full-sized mirror, looking at his hair and how dumb it looked, one defined curl poking out amongst his black blob of hair. Picking up his shoes from across the room, Felix sat down on his bed and slipped his shoes on, tying them tightly. If he could get new shoes he would, but according to his father, the shoes Felix prefers to buy cost too much. If the two of them still had money, Felix would be in better shoes. If everything had not been taken from them, Felix believed everything would be okay, at least a little more bearable in the slightest.

      After slipping his shoes on, he took his black backpack and slung it over his shoulders, making sure it was at the right length. He sighed again and grabbed his phone off of his nightstand, slipping it into the huge pocket of his hoodie. Felix placed his hand on his door and pushed it open, turning off all of the lights that were on. He carefully closed the door after entering the hallway, nearly flying down the stairs in a hurry, knowing his father would be pissed if he was late, more so, he would be pissed if he did not arrive at work on time. 

      "Ready to go?" He asked, raising one of his eyebrows. Felix nodded quickly and walked towards the front door, his dad close behind with his coffee mug in hand. Felix slipped out of the front door, hearing it shut behind the both of them as they entered the world.

                                                                 - - - - 

      a/n:

      (edit) i have re-written this chapter so that it works better. this book was previously in the first-person point of view and it was bothering me quite a bit, as i prefer to write in the third person point of view when writing in someone else's shoes. i have no idea why i had thought first person was ever a good idea.

      sayonara my froggy fish friends,

      atti :)