Delicate Pirouette [BXB]

Three Words Too Much

     February 23, 1999

      Dear Diary,

      No matter what happens between Royce and me, he will always have a special place in my heart, whether that be romantically or platonically. He will always be my number one, my 'ride or die', my best friend, my... my... mine.

      Staring into your eyes gives me chills, sends shivers down my spine. Hearing your voice makes my heart swell. Feeling your hands graze against mine... oh god, how the craze stirs me. The feeling of your touch against my clothed skin, of your soft eyes gazing into mine as you lead me across the dance floor so effortlessly. How I wish to hold your hand and have your fingers intertwined with mine. How I wish to have your body pressed up to mine and feel the fire as our bodies mingle. The thought of your lips pressed to mine.

      OKAY.

      Enough of that-- the more I say, the more I lose my mind, and it is already so far gone. All because of this one boy who I cannot seem to control myself around. This one boy I caught feelings for in the seventh grade as we laid on our shared sleeping bag during our end of the year camping trip, my heart nearly exploding due to the closeness of my best friend. His body pressed into mine, his arms wrapping around my torso— my mind screaming at me as panic quickly rose in me as I was laying on the sleeping bag, engulfed by the beautiful boy who was nearly on top of me, his soft snores coaxing me to sleep, while my heart kept me wide awake and fully aware of my growing feelings.

      Thankfully, no one else was in our tent, no one else was able to share this special moment, feel his warm touch, and freak out like I was. Only we knew of this moment and only I had a burning sensation that took over my body. If Royce had the same burning, he showed no sign, as he was completely out. He often mumbled words, which slipped from his beautiful pink lips, my heart speeding every time I could feel his body lightly rumble against mine, his warm breath caressing my ear.

       I always knew in the back of my head that I was not straight like most of the other guys, never falling for all the girls who flung themselves at me, most of them wanting to flirt and create a little fling. It was nice to know they thought of me in that way, but I never cared for it as much as all of the other guys did. Even Royce seemed to like the attention from time to time, chasing after girls and having his fun with them- although he was not a player. He never hurt them or played around with multiple girls, he always stuck to one until a crack occurred in the relationship. He has been with many girls in his time, so he knows how everything works, but me? I have no idea how any of it works, and I do not wish to know.

        Girls are cute, but never cute enough that I would want to date one. The guys would always point out a girl and ask me what I thought. I never had anything interesting to say, usually saying something along the lines of 'she gets good grades,' or 'she is kind of mean'. I never said anything about their appearance, as it was not something I cared for in the slightest. One time, some of the girls at our table had been fawning over Royce, as he had recently gotten a new haircut and changed up his style. I found myself geeking over him as well, but thankfully no one even noticed; no one ever has. They all think I stare at him because he is my best friend, or at least; he was. I am not sure if we will ever regain the friendship we used to have, but I do hope we can. I hope that I will always be able to remain close to Royce. He is the only person who knows how to make me feel things- things I most definitely should not feel but do. I mean... last night was pretty special. He held me close and danced with me, swaying my hips back and forth. He drove me wild, caused a panic attack and... gave slight mention to his secret crush, which he has never shared with anyone until his family probed him with millions of questions, all because I sat beside him.