The wingman nobody asked for

Hey! Lemme tell you!

"I swear if someone calls me Komaeda-senpai's son again I am going to snap!" Kokichi ranted. Rantarou sighed. "What happened this time?" Rantarou asked. "Mioda-senpai had the guts to yell 'IT'S NAGITO JR!' When I walked by!" Kokichi explained with an irritated huff. "Like c'mon! He's clearly worse than me!" Kokichi added. "Like sure I've stuffed Hoshi-Chan's locker with a bunch of rubber chickens-"
"And called Iruma a slut in front of the whole class. And pantsed Momota when he was talking to Harukawa. And you asked Saihara if Kiibo has a dick. And one time yelled 'WOW HAM HANDS SENPAI YOU LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT!' at that Togami guy from Saishuu and—"
"I GET IT! And it's not my fault that they look the same!" Kokichi retorted, ending Rantarou's tangent. "But seriously! He's worse than me! He sends threatening letters to anyone who breathes near Hinata-senpai. I one time asked Hinata-senpai for a quarter and Komaeda-senpai gave me this death stare! Like I said 'hey Hinata-senpai can I have a quarter?' Not 'hey Hinata-senpai, can I suck your dick?' Jeez! Like I'm gay and all but he's not even my type! He looks like a grumpy porcupine!" Kokichi ranted in a tangent. "You see, the kind of guys I like are—" Rantarou groaned to interrupt Kokichi. "Ouma please don't start going on and on about the kind of guys you like." Rantarou said, recalling the last time Kokichi spoke for 30 minutes about what kind of boys he's willing to date.

"Oh good morning guys!" Kaede walked in with a smile. "Morning Akamatsu-chan! Omigod I got the scoop for you!" Kokichi greeted. "G'morning. And Ouma you better not." Rantarou said, glaring at the shorter male. "But Akamatsu-chan missed out! Amami-chan, Saihara-chan, and I had like the gayest threesome orgy!" Kokichi exclaimed loudly and Rantarou felt his soul about to leave his body.
"Hah! In your fuckin' dreams pubeless virgin!" Miu called out in the distance, opening her locker. "Shut up bitchlet! I didn't ask for your bullshit! Besides I was lying!" Kokichi retorted loudly at Miu.

"But~ Amami-chan did have a date with Saihara-chan and I third wheeled for moral support!" Kokichi explained and Kaede let out a sigh of relief. "Ouma-kun, please don't joke like that, Amami-kun looks like he saw a ghost.." Kaede said gently, looking at Rantarou with a concerned expression. "Okay. First of all, shut up Ouma. Second of all, it wasn't a date. Third of all, we don't even know eachother that well, we were hanging out to actually know eachother. And fourth of all, shut up Ouma." Rantarou explained. "Amami-kun, the first and fourth point are the same.." Kaede pointed out. "Yeah I know. Because he really needs to shut his mouth." Rantarou said harshly. "Whoa Amami-chan! You're being super meeeaaaan! I'm going to cry!" Kokichi exclaimed while he faked some tears.

"So the real story is that Saihara and I decided that we should go hang out, since it was winter break and all. But you see, Saihara got really nervous that he called Ouma because he had his number due to Ouma's constant harassment. Then Ouma decided to tag along. That's it really." Rantarou explained. "Dude! You're missing the part where he spoonfed you!" Kokichi exclaimed. Kaede looked confused. "Oh yeah! While we were there, we went to grab a bite but Amami-chan didn't get anything to eat. So Saihara-chan, being the nice guy he is, took a spoonful of his cake and urged Amami-chan to eat it! It was super cute!" Kokichi explained with a big smile. "That is really cute actually!" Kaede agreed with a small laugh. "It totes was! He was all like.." Kokichi put on a meek expression and softened his voice to sound like Shuuichi. "Y-you didn't eat anything so here.. p-please open your mouth.." Kokichi imitated. "Alright that's enough Ouma." Rantarou said sternly. "But did you accept it Amami-kun?" Kaede asked. "Well I mean he was pretty stubborn so I did in the end.." Rantarou explained, looking away from the two. "Whoooaaa Amami-chan is getting all flustered again~" Kokichi teased. "Can we disown him?" Rantarou asked calmly as he pointed at Kokichi.

"Okay but admit it! If Saihara-chan let you, would you touch the ass?" Kokichi randomly asked. "Where is this coming from?!" Rantarou retorted. "I mean do you see those hips?! Like damn son!" Kokichi responded. "Wait what kind of hips? Is it like girl hips?" Kaede asked. "Akamatsu-chan it's not the time to be a lesbian! But yeah kinda I think. They are kinda feminine." Kokichi answered. "I don't look at hips. You guys are creeps." Rantarou said calmly. "You still didn't answer the question!" Kokichi yelled. "I don't want to!" Rantarou yelled back. "Would you touch Saihara-chan's ass?!" Kokichi asked again. "Stop asking me this question!" Rantarou refuted. "Besides why are you like this?!" Rantarou asked. "Alright listen, you two look cute together! Like why else did I pick him out of anyone?! Think about it, a cutie like him and a hottie like you? It totally works!" Kokichi answered. "Ouma-kun, are you okay?" Kaede asked. "No." Kokichi answered, his face serious.

"Hey! Sexual harassment or sexual remarks of fellow students is not allowed in a school environment! Get to class!"

Kokichi, Rantarou, and Kaede suddenly jumped when they heard the booming voice of Kiyotaka and his stern red eyes staring into them. "Y-yes sir..!" Kaede responded out of instinct and the three went to their first period class that they so happen to share together. "Fellow students.. he goes to Saishuu.. he can't hear us.." Kokichi mumbled under his breath as they walked into the classroom.

"Anyway that was the scoop!" Kokichi concluded with a smile, completely shifting the topic to where they left off only to conclude it.