Dear Connor Murphy | Dear Evan Hansen

#4

March 20th, 2018

Dear Connor Murphy,

Something exciting happened today Something cool Something kind of nice happened today. It wasn't to do with trees, don't worry, although I did visit the orchard and it's been a while since I did that. It was nice, you know? Really peaceful. There are never any kids running around or taking my spot in the orchard, although I do sometimes see people around and it gets a bit scary awkward if they're a couple or something. Anyway, I was at the orchard, and this, um, this girl from school showed up. I don't know how she found it or if she knew I would be there, but she came up to me and said hi, which was a bit weird, because we were so alone and there was actually no-one else around us, like, at all, and if I were her I would've run away screaming. I guess she's kind of brave or something, I don't know, but I think I might like / I'd been waiting to introduce myself to her for a long time she was pretty cool. Like I thought she would be, you know? And it's really nice when you build up an image of someone in your head, like that's who they are now, and when it comes to actually talking to them, you've already practiced in your head so much, you know? So when you're standing in front of them, looking at the ground or the trees or their nails or something and they just smile and say hi, it's like - like wow, you're just as great as I thought you would be, you know? I guess you might not. I mean, you never had a lot of faith in humanity or anything, so you'd probably just laugh in my face and punch the next person you saw. To bring balance back to nature. Or, at least, that would be your excuse.

I guess she'll just go back to ignoring me at school or something. You know. To bring balance back to nature, right? Can't have Evan making any new friends. That was meant to be a joke, like one of your jokes that just say sad or bad or mad things that aren't really funny, but I don't think it really worked, it just made me feel kind of bad and I don't know, I'm trying not to feel bad anymore, that's not something I'm supposed to feel, right? Haha.

Anyway, so I met this girl. As in, I talked to her. Not like I hadn't seen her at school. Actually, I was going to talk to her after jazz band a while back, but it didn't go very well and I had to go to the bathroom instead, but not because anything bad happened, just because I had to use the dryer, you know? The hand dryer. You know. I just got, like - like really nervous and you know how that goes, I just didn't think it was a good idea anymore and then I had to go anyway so it's not like she even knew I was going to talk to her back then.

Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me now, because she did this smile thing and I didn't really know how to react so I just kind of stared and she got a little weirded out, I could tell. But maybe she does, because when she was leaving she told me that she would see me later, no she actually did, it was like a hey, see you later, Evan! kind of thing and I just felt a bit confused because when is later? Is that tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? Or is it just in two hours? It's so undefined, and looking for answers is so hard when you can't just ask for them - you know I would ask, but we're not close enough, so there's that and I guess I might not have asked her even if we were that close.

Connor

You know when you're writing a letter and you write someone's name? I don't mean someone you're talking about, I mean like someone you're writing to, you know, and you just interrupt your story to write their name and maybe declare your undying love or your last words? I feel like that sometimes and I don't know why, because it's not like I even knew you