#5

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by spaceudon

by spaceudon

20th March, 2018

Dear Connor,

I almost finished writing out a whole letter, but I don't know, it didn't feel quite right, so I'm sorry if this one is a bit weird. It's my second one of the day so I don't really know if I should write out everything again or not because it feels like I already told you about the girl Zoe and the orchard but I guess I kind of haven't. Anyway, my first letter was a bit about seeing Zoe in the orchard, which was cool I guess, and she said hi to me, which was also cool. She said she would see me later.

That was the first letter, though, and I don't really want to write the same stuff again, so I'll send it if I find it. Because, you know, I lost it.

Anyway. My therapist said I should use these as a way to, uh, I don't know, like - like talk about my feelings, so I'm sorry if this isn't the kind of stuff you wanted to hear, but I saw Tyler and Dylan today. They're the ones who used to spread all those rumours about you back when you were, like, here, you know? I mean, you probably do know, the rumours were about you, after all, but I don't know if you know they were the ones who were doing it. Spreading them. The rumours, I mean. Yeah. So I was at school and I heard them talking about someone, saying they were gay and all of that stuff, so I thought I might as well just mind my own business, but - but it was you, they were talking about you, and you're not here to defend yourself anymore, so who's going to tell them they're wrong, right? Spreading rumours about that kind of thing is just gross and weird and sick and disgusting and I know you're better than that, I know you wouldn't do stuff with guys because that's just weird and I know you're better than that and I was going to step up, you know? Protect your honour, Jared said, but he said it in this sort of annoyed way, not like his usual self. I was going to, anyway, and I'm telling you I was moments away from telling them to just stop saying gross things, but then Zoe came in, thundering like some sort of beautiful but also terrifying tornado wearing a band shirt and I just took a step back. She didn't say anything, but they shut up. She definitely knew what they were saying. But I'm being completely honest when I say I would've done something if she hadn't shown up, you know, it's just that I can't say anything in front of your sister, right? She's your sister. It's kind of her job to be getting upset about that sort of thing and not really mine at all.

I think I mentioned that I thought Jared might be gay before, but now I think he's straight again, even though he still gets weird about boys sometimes. I mean, I thought he was gay because I thought he was going out with this guy who you definitely don't know, but I think he might have a thing for Alana and it's really really really weird and just never going to happen because girls like Alana don't have time for dating and even if they did, they wouldn't be looking at guys like us. Or, at least, guys like me. Or guys like Jared. Not that I'm interested god that sounds so cringey interested interested no no nonono I think I like someone else, though. Don't get mad at me, but it's

Connor.

Sometimes, I like to think that you can tell exactly how I'm feeling when I write these letters. I guess I know that you can't tell and that's partly because I don't think you read them, but mostly it's just because I know that no-one can ever really understand another person and that's what you've been saying all along and it's true, Connor, it's true. It's impossible to understand someone else completely, but that doesn't mean you can't understand them at all, you know? And it's not like I'm not trying, because I am, but it's just so hard to connect with people sometimes, especially if they feel like they're a million miles away and especially if you don't really talk to them in real life. Just in your head. A lot. I think it's one of those problems of our generation that adults, like, always complain about, like we're some sort of plague, but we actually just have iPhones and it's not even a big deal but I guess it is to them and maybe it's part of the reason why we can't connect to each other or maybe that's just my anxiety. Or both. But I know that someday, I want to find someone who does more than just try to understand me - I want to find someone who does understand me, completely and fully, maybe without even having to try, you know? Like, I see them and I talk to them and five seconds later it's like we've known each other our whole lives. I guess you would say that's just idealistic but guess what, my life is going up from here and I'm going to change, just so I can maybe like that dream someday, you know? Like, that's like - like, um, what I want to have in the future. Maybe I'll be studying trees and she'll be writing deep books that get made into indie films or she'll be part of a band or something, and it'll be the most peaceful life anyone has ever lived, ever, and I'll never have a panic attack again and therapy will just be over. Forever.

I think you'd laugh if you read that. Or maybe not. Maybe you'd get sad and you'd pretend to laugh because that's what you always do, Connor, and don't you think people notice if you keep doing that?

I think I'll try to talk to Zoe tomorrow. Not about you, just about, like - like school stuff, you know? Something casual, like, oh, you thought I came here to talk to you specifically? or maybe what's the chem homework? because that's always a good one to start conversations, I think, in my experience. Which is very limited, Jared would say, and I would agree, I guess.

It's your birthday in a month. You should, uh, let me know if there's anything you want, even if you do think birthdays are a fallacy of human society and you'd rather kill yourself than be forced to celebrate with your family.

Sincerely,