Them

Chapter 39

I heard two people return and Craig crossed into my eye line.

"Dan?" He said quietly, the gentle tone in his voice offering an almost comical contrast to his collosal body. "Dan, you're safe, I think you're probably just experiencing a bit of a panic attack okay? I'm gonna pick you up to put you in the wheelchair now alright?"

He carefully slid his arm behind my back and underneath my knees, scooping me up to transfer me to the chair. My brain screamed, overwhelmed by the touch but I was locked within my mind and no sound bubbled up from the depths to break from my paralysed lips.

"I need to speak with Paddy and find Marian" Lindsey explained to Craig. "Would you be ok taking him to the clinic room, I'll get someone to meet you there?"

I didn't see Craig's response but I assumed he had nodded as Lindsey hurried off, pausing only to hold the door for Craig as he pushed me out of the small room.

He manouvered me through the halls coming to a halt just outside the dreaded clinic room where he moved into my vacant eye line, crouching in front of me.

"Hey Dan" he offered gently but I still couldn't respond. "Don't worry pal, sometimes this happens instead of hyperventilating and things. Instead of trying to move something big like a leg you're just gonna twitch the tip of your little finger Ok? It will move."

I tried desperately to twitch it and slowly but surely I felt a tiny flicker of movement. The paralyzing numbness locking my body in place shattered with the motion. I cautiously twitched a second finger and then all my fingers, then my arms and legs until I was satisfied that the blood flow was suitably restored to my extremities. Craig's face lit up in a grin.

"Awesome. Are you feeling a bit better now pal?"

I gave a tiny nod, immediately regretting it as he punched in the code for the clinic room door.

"Come in and sit up on the table yeah?" He said lightly, a touch of non-negotiability tinging his words.

I slowly complied, legs wobbling, and perched myself on the table, gripping the sleeve of my left arm in an attempt to block access to the bloodied mess that lay underneath. I was trembling all over now and Craig gave me a sympathetic nod.

"You're safe Dan, I know you hate it in here but we are just trying to make sure you're ok and keep you well. We aren't trying to scare you or hurt you I promise."

//dangerous//

I looked away, anxiety building ominously in my stomach and chest.

Someone tapped at the door and Dr Clarke entered giving me a tired smile.

"Hi Dan, are you Ok?"

I didn't respond as she made her way around the table.

"Dan, can I take a look at the cut please" she said cautiously removing my grip around my arm.

I let her peel away my fingers, staring at the far corner as a tear broke from my eyes and rolled down my face, catching on the NG tube. She pulled up my sleeve carefully and repositioned my arm so it was out straight on the table. I glanced at it. The bandage was stained with a pool of dried blood, small areas of rust coloured skin betraying where blood had seeped through. It must've been deeper than I thought.

"Okay Dan, its really important that I can see the cut itself so I need to remove this bandage. It's gonna be a little bit sore just because it's stuck but I'll be as gentle as I can."

She turned back and retrieved a small pair of scissors, cutting through the wrapping until it hung from my elbow, held in place with dried blood.

"Craig could you get me some wet cotton buds please?" She asked without looking up, snapping a pair of blue medical gloves over her worn hands. "Dan I'm going to try and remove this as gently as possible alright? If it feels really sore at any point just tell me and I will stop."

//out//

I pulled my arm away shaking my head. I had ruined everything with this. What chance did I have of getting discharged now? I'd probably lost all visiting privileges already so why bother letting them see what I'd actually done.

As though she could sense my train of thought she gently gripped my wrist and pulled it back onto the table. I didn't resist.

"I know this is really hard but you did a really good job letting us know that you had done it and giving us what you used. That won't go unnoticed."

I nodded greatful for her reassurance. Craig had brought over a tub of cotton wool swabs, a small pot of water and a cardboard tray, placing each on the table by my arm. Marian dipped a swab into the water and then rubbed it against the skin just under the edge of the stuck bandage. The fluffy white end stained with a rusted shade of red as the blood was worked off, the bandage pulling gently away from my arm. I grimaced as she reached the area of the cut and she gave me an apologetic smile.

"Nearly sorted now."

The bandaging finally came away from my arm and she discarded it along with the 14 swabs deposited in the cardboard tray. I looked at the deep red gash, crusted blood leaving scabbed circles around it.

//check//

I noticed a small disc like structure in the wall of the cut and jerked quickly out of her grasp, attempting to pull it out from the open wound.

Craig was watching and pounced quickly, grabbing both wrists and holding them apart.

I struggled furiously.

"Dan stop. You need to calm down."

"I fucking saw it. I saw the chip. Get off of me" I grunted, the effort of my resistance making me breathless.

"Dan there isn't a chip. There's nothing in there Ok? Show me what you think the chip is" Marian interjected.

I reduced my struggling, Craig maintaining a firm grip on my wrists.

"The disc on the side. Don't tell me there isn't one I can see it. I know what you did to me. I'm not crazy this is all a fucking front." I spat, a bitter edge to my voice.

//get out//

"This?" She asked gently, a gloved finger pointing to the structure.

"Yes."

"Dan, thats a part of your skin called subcutaneous fat alright? They form little yellow discs like that and everyone has them. Sometimes if a person has quite a deep cut you can see them. I promise you it's not a microchip."

My arms had stopped straining to be free, anger and fear turning to a terrifying uncertainty.

Who do I trust?

I let tears fall as Craig positioned my arm for Marian to clean the cut.

"I don't know what to believe" I sobbed, feeling pathetic and childlike, unable to look either of them in the eye.

"I know pal" Craig said softly "you just gotta let us do our jobs okay? I know it feels like you can't trust us sometimes and that must be scary but we have to clean up this cut so try and keep still for us."

I was shaking my head, tears streaming from my eyes.

"I can't. I ca-" I whispered breaking off as I twisted my arms weakly in his grip. Marian steadied my elbow and I inhaled sharply with the sting of alcohol as she cleaned it.

"I need to put some butterfly strips on this to close it up" she explained carefully. "I need you to be really still and calm Ok? Can you do that for me?"

I nodded, exhausted and confused, unsure of what was real. Craig released my arms, hovering closely in case I tried to stop Dr Clarke again. She pinched the sides of the cut together making me wince.

"Sorry" she said, not looking up as she stuck 3 small strips across the jagged line, holding the sides of the cut close together. "I'm going to stick gauze over this and then I will put a bandage around it alright? Thankyou for keeping still for me."

She stuck a pad of gauze over the area and then wrapped it tightly with a clean bandage.

"Right Dan, I'm going to step out so that Craig can just do a check Ok?" She said, moving toward the door.

"What??? No." I blurted out, panic filling me with a jolting energy as I jumped up. It was too late, Dr Clarke had slipped out of the door. Once again I was trapped and being asked to strip in front of strangers. I looked hopelessly toward Craig.