Damaged

Walls

"It's ok," she gasped. He could see her trying to catch her breath. He felt a knot in his heart. He hurt her.

"Why do you look like you've just shot me? It's fine, you just caught me by surprise. Didn't even hear you coming."

She smiled. That smile. The one where it seems like she's only looking at you. Like you're the one whose made her happy. Only you.

He made her happy. He could feel the knot disappearing from his chest.

Bucky lifted himself off the ground offering her his hand. She grabbed it, seamlessly lifting herself off the floor.

But, she misunderstood him when he apologized.

"No, I mean sorry for everything. For asking you stupid questions. For making it seem like I don't care. I'm sorry."

Wanda looked at him with a strange light in her eyes.

"Why do you think you need to say sorry? Your questions were good questions. I did not respond because I didn't know how to answer them. It did not mean I was mad."

"It still wasn't my place to ask. My mom would kill me if she knew how bad my manners were. The fact that I haven't said sorry in years is enough to make her roll over in her grave," he sighed.

Wanda seemed surprised by his response.

"You know you never talk about her. What was she like, your mother?"

Bucky hadn't spoken about his mother in a long time. Even when Steve would bring her up, Bucky would slink away unable to think about her, even if he only knew her for a short time.

"I didn't really know my mother. She died in an accident when I was a kid. Sometimes I can see a glimpse of her face or I can hear a whisper of her voice, but never a full image."

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose a mother at such a young age."

Bucky could see the pain in Wanda's eyes. He knew all about her parents. Their deaths were the reason she became who she is.

Bucky felt weird. This conversation made him feel strangely conflicted. He had never opened up like this before. Not since before his "operation". He felt at ease talking to Wanda, but he also felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable that he was letting someone so close to the wall that he built. He could feel Wanda reaching out to it, and he knew that if there was even a whisper of a touch on that wall, it would come crumbling down.

"You know, I can see you struggling. You're trying to figure out whether or not you should keep talking to me. It's ok to open up. I struggled with it too, but eventually, I realized that talking about things made me feel good. Maybe it could make you feel good too."

Bucky could feel himself getting defensive again.

"I have to go."

She grabbed his arm.

"You know I like this you. The one who talks, opens up. I want to know this you. I want to know you Bucky".

Shit.

Why did it feel like this was the first time she said his name? She's said his name before right? But the way she said it this time sounded like silk rolling off her tongue. Like it was so full of emotion and passion. Like she was meant to say it. He could feel his wall cracking.

But, he won't let it. He can't.

"Let me help you Bucky. Please?"

Bucky yanked his arm free and walked away, heading back to his room, ready to endure the pain that sleep had in store for him.

He was so tired. He wanted to give up. He hadn't slept in so long. He was fed up with the nightmares. The pain. He had no more fight left in him.

Wanda could help him. She wanted to help him. She could help him fight. But, was he ready to let her do that? Let her in. See everything he's done? See everything he's seen? He could break her, and the last thing he wanted to do is break the woman who gave him a silent happiness he could get nowhere else.

He didn't know what to do. So, he closed his eyes. Willed for the nightmares to go away and the sleep to overtake his body.

The nightmares didn't go away. Sleep didn't overtake his body. For some reason, they seemed worse that night. The pain vibrated throughout his body and his head thumped with the beat of the clock.

That's it.

Bucky got up. He couldn't. His body took whatever it could. His body can't handle one more battle.

He walked down the hall, to a room that he's never stepped foot in. Never thought of stepping foot in.

He knocked on the door.

She opened it.

"Help me"

And with that, he fell into her arms just as his wall crumbled down.