❝Everybody knows what a caterpillar is,
and it doesn't look anything like a butterfly.❞
- Lynn Margulis
j e n n i ' s p o v ;
(story form)
have you ever felt trapped, but in an open space? meaning that although you were surrounded by a sea of people you still felt all alone. the reason i feel alone is something tragic has happened in my life. not only has my marraige gone to dust; but our child has ashed away as well. she died of natural causes; it's still unknown to us what happened. i used to think i could cope with my daughter being deceased but i guess i couldn't. keeping my daughter in memory is the best memorabilia to have of her, but it still wasn't enough because i really wanted to feel her and hold her one more time. i started withdrawing myself too much. my husband's presence no longer mattered, although i loved him dearly, that just wasn't enough. we started growing apart, having less intimacy, until we might as well should've been ghost in our own house. one day after returning home from school i found the house more emptier than usual; like empty space more like. literally.
i walked to our bedroom and found the drawers pulled out and none of my husband's clothes in the closet; i started to tear up immidiately but who was i kidding; i should've seen this coming. it's came and gone. just like. i laid on our made bed, in fetal positon and looked up at a piece of paper on the dresser. i picked it up and read it.
dear jenni,
you are my rose. you are my wife.
you stole my heart. you gave me life.
lately i know it's been hard; all along i've been here.
but looking into your eyes it's as if you weren't there.
i can't pretend any longer that everything's okay,
surely i'll think of you from afar, every single day.
this is such a cowardly thing to do,
but i just want you know, i will always love you.
××
my heart suddenly sank into an abyss; i never thought james would do something so cold, but i was wrong. not only have i lost my daughter now my husband as well? it's as if im being punished somehow. i mean i understand i didn't cope so well with my daughter's death, but that didn't mean i didn't want to return back to normal; i just wasn't ready yet. i'm only human. we were both hurting but we never took the time to grieve together.
why did that happen? i'll never believe or understand. the thing about james is when he's upset he'd drink heavily and just torment me but it changed suddenly and now he's gone. now all i wish right now is for any of his presence, or just to comfort me. comfort each other.
some nights while struggling to fall asleep, i'd wonder if my self being was worth to anyone anymore. but yes i was worth it; i was worth it to my students and faculty around by me. although i was smiling on the outside, i was dying on the inside. i was struggling to stay afloat to this earthly gravity, but i felt it was drifting me off from the ground itself. but most nights i felt i was trapped in a bubble just barely coexisting in my own mind not to my harsh reality. i wanted it to end.
i needed to get away, and find my nirvana. but where exactly? after my husband left, i felt visiting our hotel would be pointless. but to keep from feeling emptiness in our once full home, i started to revisit it often to get away and be around people. people would always notice me, because of beauty; beauty before brains if you will. how opposite of the actual saying. people didn't know outside my beauty was a person with heart and soul. but excusing all of that, i did notice this one fella, the clerk, he was so strange and quiet, except for his occasional glances. his eyes were very distinctive; as if they were a black hole. his eyes were so captivating they drew me away from his facial features.
although they didn't matter, because looks can be deceiving and my heart right now, can't take anymore heartache. i just got my room key but sat in the lobby to grade papers then continue on with my lonely life; what's left of it.
××××
l.u.7.2
okay hopefully this makes sense you guys! just tell me if it doesn't because i'm trying to make it as interesting as possible and i already have the next part planned and thereafter *high five* :) so thanks for reading and such and pretty pls leave feedback & suggest my story pls; i'd really appreciate that love you :D
