A Mind You Must Never Know

Secret Gay Lovers

I hug you so tight....futuristic light shines through your eyes. A phrase from a love I may never have. A love I could have, but one that remains in my heart. It's turning into a secret....only we can know. I have faith in us and our hearts beat the same love....but should we continue? 

Is what we're doing right? I have so much hope in what we could be, but at the same time, I'm in a relationship that I want to work. He's willing to give all he has and try to meet my needs; we negotiated. You're not far from my mind and you never will be. I know it's hard for you to hold on to something you may never have and I'm sorry for that. 

Sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, as friends or as family or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you're in love or you're partners in crime. 

You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something. 

It makes me believe in a love we have. One we'll always have....whether we're together or not. Even if you go for it and it doesn't work out, you still win. You still had the guts enough to head straight into something that frightened you. 

You were never supposed to mean this much to me. I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that's the truth, that's what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go. I could never let you go. How could I let you go when you've already buried your ears into the calm of my heartbeat? 

In a matter of seconds falling terribly in love with the way your loneliness fell softly and suddenly, asleep, in my chest. In so many ways, I want your last name. I want your phone calls and your quirks. Your sick days and your laugh. Your arms around my waist as I walk by. 

Your eye contact and your smile. I want the other side of the bed to be yours, our fingers intertwined. I want your silences. I want your twisted path and your convoluted future. A part of me wants all of this, that connection we have with each other that can't ever be broken, but then there's that stuck up part of me that can't bring myself to end the toxicity of the present. 

And there's something unusual about us. Something deeply spiritual. The way we fall into one another so naturally like our love was carved of the earth. There are star systems bursting at our fingertips when we touch. We are in tune. The universe planned for us. I know it....I know it. 

As much as I love to have you....we can only share a secret love. A passionate love among two people who share the same chemistry. Who share the same being. I am not in a state of mind where not only do I have him, but I also need, want and have you.

 I don't want to rid myself of this pure love that we have and I won't. I want us to have a long lasting future. We're gonna make a future so great that when we die we won't want to come back after it.