A Mind You Must Never Know

A Life As It Was

Sometimes what you want your life to look like doesn't always work out the way you want it to. It surprises you. The life I lived and survived, unexpectedly, changed me for the better. 

A sister born with so many lung/heart problems she died almost 4 times. Couldn't eat normally till she was 7. Couldn't speak till 9. Even though she's almost 2 years older than me...I treat her as if she were my younger sister. 

She was born premature, 1 pound 2 ounces. For her to be alive to this day is a miracle. She's my miracle baby. 

She's always bullied for the way her voice sounds or how little her mind is. She isn't like any other 17 yr old you'd meet. I always have to protect her b/c she can't protect herself. I'm always worried about her...even if I act like I'm not.

I cover my emotions up by laughing. That's how it usually goes. I always give her a hard time...and always joke about asking her when she's gonna leave. I don't think I could get used to her leaving though. 

I grew up with my mom being an alcoholic and my dad never being around. My other sister would always have to feed us if we were hungry and no one would ever have an eye on us.

My sister sliced her finger once and then that's when my mom payed attention. My brother would come visit us every other weekend. We got into a lot of trouble together. He was always the person I looked up to.

We wrestled, climbed trees, played baseball together and rode bikes together. He got me into BMX riding. I always wanted to be just like him. One day, we actually went out when it was dark and I ran around the house seeing if he could make contact with his BB gun. 

He wasn't always the person I  thought he was. He was growing up and experiencing things. He did things to me sexually and got me to do things I thought were okay. I never said anything about it. Just kept it inside. I still forgave him. 

There were many times I would spend time at the creek, sliding down the leafy hills. That place was home. That was one of the only times I enjoyed being a kid. I could get away for a bit. I didn't go back there for a while after what happened. 

I was scared. But the next day I acted as if it had never happened. I woke up every morning and went outside. I wouldn't come back in till bed. 

I was 8 when I found out my parents had been fighting. They were getting divorced. Everyone separated. My mom couldn't take care of me so I went with my dad. My brother went to his dad and my aunt tried her best to hold on to the house. 

No more family baseball, no more bonfires. The old tire swing I used to sit on was gone. Moving to Texas was horrible. 

My brother started struggling, my dad remarried to a lady I didn't like, we became a Christian family. In 5th grade I developed a crush on this girl. I felt very close to her but I never admitted anything. 5th grade was my favorite year. 6th grade was when I had my first kiss.

We started as friends and then told me she was bi-sexual. I tried to act like I knew what that was. When she told me it surprised me. She liked me a lot and...I started growing feelings for her. No one in my family thought it was right.

My sister literally sent her friends to spy on me and...being with this girl let me to being pulled out of school. They caught me making out with her in the bathroom. She was one of my longest relationships. 

She got me to do things. I started to act like her and do the things she did. I turned emo and I liked it. I started to cut and I thought being depressed was the best feeling ever. I shut everyone out and became selfish.

I didn't want to come out of my room. Pulling me out of school and keeping me away from her made things worse. It was the first time I actually had suicidal thoughts. I was really thinking about doing it then.

We thought we could get away with sending notes to each other but that didn't last. I got into more trouble and my parents ended up finding them and throwing them away. I felt helpless and on my own, because I was.

I had no one. I had no hope left. I was contained in this house being home schooled, with no friends. 

In 8th grade...I fell in love again. I thought she was it. We started as best friends for a couple months....and then we fell. We were together for 4 months. Always hiding it. She was the hope I had everyday. I had her. 

I hated hiding and coming out to my dad wasn't any better. He didn't care about my happiness. That year wasn't terrible but she ended up leaving me b/c she was manipulated into thinking being with a girl wasn't right. That it wasn't her. Her parents thought I turned her gay.

I fell pretty hard after that. I had to cover it up b/c my parents would get nosy. It was difficult to do anything for a while. She totally disregarded me for a while. She was always this....amazing poet and writer. She was inspirational and motivational. 

She knew how to talk and she made me a better writer. I was screwed over by love way too many times....I ended up doing it to other people. 

I can't be healed. I still love with all my heart. The next year, my brother left my life and that's when I knew it was over. His last words were Happy Birthday. I don't remember saying anything back. 

No matter what...I guess I'm just always starting over and the ending is never great.