witch fit

love me till the day i die

hello ! yes ! i'm alive ! let me ramble on as if people have really been waiting for this update to come and nOpe the title above has no relevance to what i'm going to discuss--or maybe in one way or another it actually does [actually yeah it does]

love me till the day i die

aka the seemingly never-ending quest of questioning one's self-worth pt. 1

so. i am in a slump. and !! it !! sucks !!!!! i've already gone through one month of school. fun fact: i'm currently in twelfth grade so the frightening concept of college is right in front of my eyes and i am NOT ready to face it. i mean, yes, i do like the thought of getting one step closer to independence and almOST being able to get that paycheck and finally let my parents chill BUT independence = responsibility and i'm so scared to face that like whatthefuckhowareotherpeoplesurvingthis ????? 

but what i really wanted to talk about here is how i feel so ???!!!! i don't feel like i'm doing enough--or anything at all. seriously. i'm so unproductive and lazy and i always neglect doing this and that. of course, school is out of the discussion that's a given i'm studying i'm doing that. okay. but outside school ?? the one thing i thought i was good at ?? writing ?? IDK WHAT'S HAPPENING UGH. basically, this is just me letting my frustrations out and using question marks to emphasize ??? just how ???? confused and idkwhattodo feeling i am ???? i like--no love !! writing!! i've always felt like this is the one thing i have, the one thing i can do. idk i've always felt like there has got to be at least one thing for everyone and i thought this was mine. recently though, and by recent i mean wHAT? THE PAST YEAR? TWO YEARS?? i haven't been able to create content that's long-term. i have so many ideas and i usually write a title + prologue for them then start planning the story, but i suddenly get distracted and stuff and when i come back to it, i can't type a chapter ?? or even just a paragraph ??? what's up with me??

and it's sad because i feel like i need this. i need writing. it's like that one form of validation i've got for myself. like if i'm good at writing, i don't have to be good at other things ?? because at least i have this. this is my thing.

but recently, it's like it hasn't been my thing. idk if anyone noticed but yeah, that's the reason why there are only four works up on my profile rn. i took down the stories that i hadn't been updating for so long. another fun fact: i have 14 drafts on wattpad rn lmao,, and that's aside from those that i have saved on my laptop. if they're on wattpad that means they've got their titles, prologues, cover, and at least one chapter.

so even though this started out so negative, i don't want to end it that way. actually, this was supposed to be an entirely different rant. i started typing it in may and now that i've come back to it, i'm suddenly in a different mindset so i typed a new one and here we areee

sometimes we lose touch of the things that were so close to us at some point in our lives. and although it may seem like it ends there, it's only really up to us if it really ends there or not. i know that's a ton of pressure, but there really is no easy way to go around in this world, and especially when it comes to ourselves. our biggest enemies are usually ourselves so,, lez beat that self mkay? whatever it is that you've got doubts about, face it, and think about how much it means to you. if you think it's worth giving another shot, then do so. if it's not, then know that it's okay to let go of it. in my case, i'm not letting go. i don't want to let writing just be a part of me, but be me. i've still got a lot of stories to share and a lot of fucks to give,, both my brain and mouth never really shut up so i'm still going to stick around here. thank you for reading this long ass post lol i have the tendency to overshare,, see you again soon xx

sidenote: title of this part is a lyric from my fave band 5sos' latest single, youngblood !! this promo is long overdue but idc i lOve my boys,, please do listen to their new album if you have time, its title is like the name of the single--YOUNGBLOOD. it's a perfect reflection of their new identity as artists they've explored so many styles and have created one that fits them most. the lyrics are powerful, my bbys have poured so much of themselves into them you can feel the power of everything they've gone through AAAAAA I LOVELOVELVOOEO okay lmao thanks agaiin

sidesidenote: if you want to share your own fights and struggles, or just anything, feel free to comment down below or send me a message. let's talk and overshare and be friends yayayyayy