my stepsister (book2##)

Thirty seven

ZARA

Why am I not crying?
Or have I exhausted all my tears
Do I have any tears left to cry
Or I have no tears left to cry

Life is so cruel
Why is life so cruel?
What have I ever done to deserve all these?

Why meee?
Why is it always me?
Why do I have to bear all the guilts?
Why ?
Why?
Do the questions ever stop

If not for I was a muslim, I don't think I would have endured all this pain, if not that I have turned to my Allah, I would have done something terrible against my religion,

So help me god

My life, it all started as a simple happy girl at a teenage age , I was happy or at least I thought I was, I thought I had that endless vibe as a teenager, not until my dad was taken away from me, I was barely thirteen of age. My dad was the closest person I had ,my dad was like mom. He's always been there with me when my mother isn't home, I shared my secrets with him and only him... he was my everything and the best dad anyone could ask for. It was so unfortunate for me to be revealed with the saddest news ever existed, the day he died was the worst day of my life , I thought he had taken the best part of me with him... but I was wrong, not until I met Marwa and Marwan..

Marwa was beautiful, she was smart unlike me, and with her I fought through my hard times in High school through college . After my dad , she was the second best, she was my best friend, she was my sister from another mother, with her I fought my heart and became the was me , I became the Zara Mandoob Isa everyone knows again...

...afterall everything that happened, I was involved, guilty charged for her dismissal , I was somehow the reason for her death for that I don't think I can forgive myself

My mother, she who gave me life, she gave birth to me, took care of me for years, never denied me a thing that I needed, but there was one thing she never gave me- mothers love, she didn't give me that attention ,she didn't teach me the dos and do nots, I fought for myself, I learnt on my own how to be a girl through my adolescence stage. Sometimes I wondered if she's my mother , if she ever loved me. That thing pains me most to see how my friends are very close to their mothers and I am not an inch forward to that.

It was when I have grown up, when I have learnt everything by myself that she cared and tried to be the good mother she never was, but I never complained, in fact every decisions that took place in the house is from her and not me, I didn't know my mother, I didn't know what she would want.

It was later when she brought about marrying again, that was the day I shed tears more than the one I shed on my father's death ... i couldn't look at her for some passed week together ,I never knew she would come to replace my dad with someone else, my dad died and that's it, he's no more and she had forgotten about ,him she has forgotten the love they shared...

...passing all the rows we had with her for that particular topic, I came to a decision to let her do what she wants, it was her life afterall and  so the wedding took place ,before you know it , everything was done, so I decided to give her a second chance, I became the good daughter and vice versa.

...and now that we are getting closer, i tore off the relationship we built. How much longer would she need to wake up ,do I have that time to give, do i have the patience to wait, or do I have the soft heart to forgive myself. Everything is just so unexplainable, no words can express my feelings.