How to save a Life (Jalex)

It never Ends

“Everything I've loved, became everything I lost.” (Bring me the Horizon – It never Ends)

Alex P.O.V.

I knew I lost him when I saw him. He didn't saw me luckily. But still, it hurts.

He looked somehow happy. He laughed, he grinned, he made jokes like I used to know him. Probably he had forgotten me, but I wasn't mad. I would also forget about a friend who left me, who self harms, who is a crappy best friend. Because I was all of this. I knew he needs me, more than anything else, but I left. Because I was afraid, because I wanted to be alone.

And I realized something as I was away. I realized my feelings towards him, I realized that he was the most important person in my life. I realized he was the only one who could save me. I realized he was the only one who made me happy. I realized.. I realized that he was the one who I loved. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

This realization came to late. I lost him. I lost Jack Bassam Barakat, who played the guitar in our band, who always made jokes, the happy, bubbly friend of mine. He wasn't always happy, I know, and he had his trust issues and everything.. He cut but stopped. For me. That should have shown me that he liked me more than a best friend. But I left my eyes closed and didn't want to see it. He was always there for me. So many things he did and I never saw his feelings.

And somehow I knew that I loved him, but didn't want to figure it out. I knew I wasn't straight and I somehow liked the kisses shared on stage. I got girlfriends but only to cover up. They didn't mean anything to me, not really.

I couldn't help but fall in love with him. He was so funny. He was handsome. His doe eyes were so cute. I loved his smile and his laugh. I love the way he grinned. The way he gets lost in music, whenever he's playing the guitar or listening to it.

But Jack wasn't the only thing I lost because I was so stupid. I lost my music, my big love after Jack.

Music helped me whenever I needed it. I was connected to it, or at least I thought so. I can't think of another line for a song. When I look at a guitar or try to play a few chords, my hands begin to shake and my heads becoming dizzy. Even listening to music became a nightmare, in every song I see Jack in front of me. I see hurt in his eyes and hate. But who wouldn't hate me? Even I hate myself.

It would be so much easier to end it all right now. I've done it, I got all the people I loved to forget me, they wouldn't care any more, they wouldn't cry. They would feel relieved, they wouldn't have to look after me any more.

But then are there our fans. They would cry if I kill myself. They would be sad but they wouldn't grief so long, they would find another band, another hero, another idol to look up to. Maybe a better one.

Because I'm a crappy idol. Which idol self harms? Which idol runs away from its problems? Which idol can't control his thoughts? Which idol is too proud to accept help? How can someone weak like me even become an idol? Why do they look up to me? Why do they even care? Why do they want to be like me? The shouldn't want to be weak, but they don't know how weak I am. They don't know about the whole self harming thing, they only know about my panic and anxiety attacks. They only see the strong man who deals with such attacks but not the man who can't sleep at night because the monsters creeping into his head. The man who thinks hurting himself would help to ease the pain.

Jack P.O.V.

The guys convinced me to go out today, and so we were here. I was thankful that they dragged me here, I had fun and forget about how Alex had hurt me. Zack and Rian were so relieved as they saw me making jokes, being the me they had known. At least they didn't have to worry about me any more.

I haven't forgotten about him, I know, I won't ever forget my best friend, or should I say ex best friend? I mean, he left us, he ignored us. He didn't bother asking us for help, although he knew we wouldn't let him down and it would be our greatest pleasure to help him. But no, Mr Gaskarth is too proud to tell his friends since fucking High School that he isn't well and too fucking proud to accept help.

And I loved him, at least I thought so. I mean, how could I fall in love with such an egoistic, disloyal guy who just played with my feelings. I don't believe that he didn't notice anything, it was to obvious, even I see that now. But he didn't give a fuck about that and just carried on like before and hurt me more and more with every girl he hooked up with. He didn't love them, not really, he just used them and that's just disgusting.

But enough of these thoughts, I came here to have fun and I'll have fun.

In the middle of a Green Day song I saw a person leaning against one wall, watching every move of mine. The stare became creepy so I decided to go to this guy and ask why he's staring at me. As he saw that I moved towards him, he looked scared and looked for a way to escape. But I was too fast and gripped his upper arm tightly. “Why were you staring?”, I asked silently, not without a hint of a threat. He looked even more scared and tried to rip my arm of. “Oh no, forget about it! I want an answer, so make it easier and just tell me! Or has someone ripped your tongue out?!”, I growled at the slightly smaller guy.

His body shook in fear but still he haven't looked me into the eyes. I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me and I was shocked. I knew these beautiful brown eyes. I knew this thick eye brows. I knew this nose, this mouth, this chin. I knew the scared look.

I was facing Alexander William Gaskarth, who I once loved and my ex best friend.

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Cliffhanger!

Hope you enjoyed reading and have a good time, if your not feeling well, I don't have problems with talking to you, I'd be happy to help you guys!

Till next time :)