admirer

032 - narration.

7:27 AM - 13 May 18

junghyun's ;

the fact that i stopped giving him letters pains me. i just want to keep him motivated and happy, y'know? and of course someone ruined it. a trick ass not so pretty little princess bitch threatened me to stop writing letters. huh, sometimes people are so selfish.

but i kinda deserve it. by reputation and all. i'm an outcast at school, the loner girl, introverted, i rarely speak in class. and of course the bullied one. sometimes i just think, why can't i stand up for myself? i'm brave enough to kill myself but am i really that weak and scared to protect myself? some questions are really not meant to answer. sigh, i wish i could be like him.

as on cue, i heard laughter from the outside of our classroom. "there they go..." i said as i buried my face in the table, covering my face with my arms. perhaps i'm shy? oof, i'm a really, i mean REALLY shy person. i have trouble speaking up and introducing myself to people. i lost my confidence a while ago, when i stopped dancing. maybe 1 or 2 years ago?

i felt the door open as the voices got louder and louder as they speak. i flinched at the opening of the door and pretended to be asleep. i hear chairs being dragged and hands slapping on tables. i heard breathing and beside me and i kept calm to whoever is beside me. i felt them poke me which made me raise my head up. i saw that jisung was infront of me and he was smiling with chenle by his side. "noona! good morning!" this kid is really cute. actually, my friendship with chenle and jisung hasn't been revealed to the class yet except for their group and i'm not planning to say it. i might get attacked again if they'll know.

"good morning, jisung!" i coughed as my voice got hoarse. i looked at chenle and bid my 'good morning' to him in chinese. "good morning, chenle!" i smiled to the two and let my notebook out for me to doodle. i bowed to the five at the back and smiled at them too. there i was, lost in his eyes again.

is it just me or do i see sparkles and rays of sunshine when i look at him?

i teared my eyes off him and exhaled air. i saw jisung and chenle eye-ing me because of that. fucking dorks.

as the time passes, many of our classmates came and spent their time in the classroom. while, i, doodle about outer space again. i'm really whipped aren't i? i have no experience in liking someone so i don't know what to do when i'm inlove. supposedly, i want to avoid boys as much as possible but everything that he has draws me in. i can't put my finger to it but something, something!

something in him is really different.

"ugh, i wanna die." i sighed, telling the last word longer in a sing-song voice. i took a peek at my back and saw him staring at his notebook. i wonder what's going on inside his mind. i hope he's thinking about happy things.

i just want everyone to be happy.

i sighed again, closing my eyes, feeling a little tired. another gloomy day for me. i looked up front and listened to the professor that's teaching us. as usual, i see written equations and numbers on the blackboard. i tried to listen but my mind always drifts off to him.

"ms. park? are you listening?" the teacher called me out for closing my eyes. i shot my eyes open and instinctively grabbed my pen. "ah, yes sir. i'm listening..." i bit my bottom lip and spun my pen a couple of times. he cleared his throat and looked at me worriedly, "ms. park, are you feeling well? you look very tired." as if that's not obvious. i waved my hands in front of me, signalling that i was okay. he shot me an 'are you sure' look and nodded at him. that was sweet. i wish my parents could do that to me.

i immediately lowered my head due to people staring at me. they shot me glares and some of them, worried looks. it feels nice to have someone worry about you for the first time. i kept spinning my pen as i was listening, casually taking brief notes in between. i felt pairs of eyes stare at me but i thought it was just an imagination. why would anyone stare at me anyways?

"okay class, that's a wrap. we'll continue the lesson on our next meeting." our professor exclaimed.

he organized his books and left the room. the class erupted with laughs and shouts as he was leaving. and as usual, i slumped and buried my head in my arms, trying not to get noticed by anyone around me. "psst, noona." i heard chenle call me from the right. i pulled my head up to face him and let my hand run through my hair. i heard a faint 'oh my god' and squeal by my left and i immediately knew that donghyuck said that from his voice. "what is it, chenle?" i squinted my eyes and patted the seat beside me, letting him sit there.

he sat in the seat and faced his whole body to me. what's his problem and why is he talking to me when there's people around? "noona, why did you stop giving hyung letters?" he leaned his body to reach my ear and whispered. at instinct, i moved away from him and looked around cautiously. fortunately, i didn't see anyone staring at us. i sighed in relief and put my hands to my table. "i-i..." it started off as hard but i managed myself to lie infront of him. "i had no reason to give him letters now, and what's the point? i got tired writing him letters, i just want to keep them for myself. that's why." my voice cracked at one time and i carefully picked my words just to make him believe.

"oh," he said with a sing-song voice. "i thought you lost interest in hyuck hyung." he stared at the ceiling, probably wondering about something. i felt my eyes widen at the comment. me? losing interest at donghyuck? why would i? he like, made many people jobless just by existing. "it's not like t-that..." i lowered my voice and played with my hair. chenle smiled at me like a fool and put his hands on my table. "you really do like hyung, huh?" he continued to smile widely, which made me uncomfortable. i leaned back to my seat and nodded lightly. i kept looking around just to avoid his playful eyes. god, this kid is mischievious.

he hit my arm and squealed lightly. i think he's going gay now. "aw, you're so cute, siyeon noona!" he cheered loudly, catching the attention of our classmates. oh god, no. please don't do this to me. "chenle, shut up." i lowered my head, letting my hair cover my face. i heard someone click their tongue and gossip about me, again. ugh, let me die. i don't want to live in this putrid world. i sense footsteps coming over. oh no. i pulled my head up again and i saw someone.

a boy named lee donghyuck, to be exact.

"ooh, chenle who's this?" he beamed with excitement and crouched in front of me. is this actually happening? okay, let's do this, junghyun. no wandering around his eyes, got that? "hi hyung! this is siyeon noona!" the latter slinged his arms to donghyuck's shoulder and pulled him more, leading donghyuck to stumble a bit in his position. "h-hi, nice to meet you, donghyuck-ssi." i said, barely audible. i hope he heard that. i'm so nervous. he looked at me and smiled, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. "hello, siyeon! it's great to be friends with you!" friends? already?

"hyung! stop smiling so much!" he practically hit donghyuck so hard that he moved desks to desks and to desks. thanks, chenle. "nice to meet you, siyeonnie!" he offered his hand for us to shake. oh god, i'm shaking. "ah, yes. please take c-care of me." my whole body was shaking but i eventually caught his hand and shook it.

sparks, fireworks, explosions, everything felt complete. perfect.