Surrounded by darkness (BxB)

Chapter 1

*this chapter contains abuse and self harm

*also, the pic is Caden but instead of lip piercings he has a nose piercing

Caden's POV:

Today is a new day with old problems. I feel like I have just been waking up each day with only the temporary blackness of sleep as a break from my wreck of a life. For the solid three hours of rest I actually got, I wasn't as tired as I normally would be. It's been getting easier lately to go off of only a few hours of sleep and functioning pretty normal.

   I slumped out of my bed which is always a hard goodbye in the morning. As I stand, I remember the beating I got yesterday from Jake for being in the living room while he and his friends were watching tv. It's always very basic and stupid reasons that this "family" gets mad at me for. He punched me in my rib cage and my face and head a lot. My whole body is aching. I shuffled over to the door to turn on the lights and headed to the bathroom down the hall to get ready. After I brushed my teeth and did my hair in its usual style by straightening it, teasing it, and hairspraying it until it reached my liking, I walked back to my room quietly as to not wake up anyone before 6 am, so I wouldn't get a round two beating with a complimentary lecture. I placed my hand on the side of my face to press on my jaw. I can barely move it which I figured out by attempting to brush my teeth. I cant really open it so I guess it's a good thing I don't ever talk during school. As I walked back and reached my closet, I pulled out a black Sleeping with Sirens shirt and a red flannel. From the dresser next to the closet I got a fresh pair of black ripped skinny jeans and slid my black converse on. So much black I know, I suppose all you can do is get used to it. On the dresser I have a spot on the corner where all of my lip rings, ear plugs, tapers, and band bracelets lay scattered. I chose some lime green plugs and stuck to my usual silver lip ring as well as four of the silicone bracelets. I don't really like my face so I figured if I got parts of it pierced then maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. I'm dumb for thinking that for even a second though. On the other side of the dresser is where my pale ass foundation sat. I'm pretty insecure about my face as you can tell. I'm really skinny too so I guess I just generally hate my whole self. Part of the reason I'm so small is that there isn't much food for me in the house because whatever isn't ramen gets eaten by my bitch ass dad and brother. My dad goes to work at 8 am every day except Wednesday's and Sundays. So he does provide food and stuff but he never thinks of me. I have a job at Panda Express in the mall occasionally so that I can have the things I find necessary like band merch and actual food. One time I was paying for some new iridescent tapers and the cashier said that I had the most Hot Topic rewards she had seen in her amount of time working there. What an accomplishment.

Now that I was ready enough to go to school and got all of my bruises covered with either clothing or foundation, I left my room and silently closed the door. You kind of have to be a ninja to get out of the house because the hallway, stairs, and wood floors to the door are all creaky, plus a very heavy door. But once I was out I began my semi-long walk to hell. I have mixed thoughts about the walk because it's nice to be away from everyone and their judgement for a bit, but at the same time, you're alone with your thoughts for 10 to 20 minuets depending on how fast I feel like going. But today I'm feeling like walking slower. I have too many thoughts and they are taking over my headspace.

As I began my walk, the thoughts flooded in.
I woke up today and I do it every day. So does every other person except for the ones who don't. Some people go to sleep and never wake up. Sometimes people don't even go to sleep, they just die. There's a lot of ways to die and a lot of ways people will deal with that. So what if someday I go to sleep and don't wake up. Or what if I die before my head even hits the pillow. Will there even be a soul who gives a shit? I wonder how I will go. There's many ways to die and everyone does it eventually. At this point I'm just reiterating things but isn't it true?
Normal people who are alone with their thoughts think about what they are having for lunch, how their conversations with friends and acquaintances will play out, and how their day will be later on. I am not like normal people though. I'm fucked up and I don't think about lunch, I think about how I don't get to have lunch. Maybe it's for the best though because I hate every inch of my fucking body and I can barely look in the mirror most days. I abhor the image looking back at me. But then there's the once in a blue moon when I genuinely don't hate myself. It's rare but it can happen sometimes. And sometimes I just wish I had someone to tell me that I don't actually look bad and mean it. Someone to counteract all of my negative thoughts and feelings. I'm probably just too much for people to handle, or just for anyone to handle. I bet that if I did tell anyone how I feel all the time and tell someone about the thoughts that swim through my mind every waking hour, that I would be in a damn mental hospital for sure. That's what being this alone can do to a person. It can either surround you with every pessimistic idea in your brain or fill your mind with joy. But it all depends on if you are in good company or not. And it's very hard to be alone and in good company if you can barely look in the mirror or tell yourself that you are amazing or whatever. Kind of like how I'm alone right now, walking down this sidewalk to a building where no one truly feels in good company. At least that's my point of view.