Surrounded by darkness (BxB)

Prologue

——skip to chapter one if you just want to dive right in——
So... this prologue kind of just introduces you to Caden with some backstory. Enjoy :)
—————————————————————

Caden's POV:

I remember when I was happy. I would wake up each morning with a smile on my face and a lively personality, ready to take my day head on. I was three years old before things started to change.

Around the time that I was four, my parents divorced. Back then I was too naive to know why divorces were even a thing. I thought that my parents were in love and always would be. They were my prime example that once you meet the one, you live happily ever after, forever. Now I know better though. I know that there are reasons people leave each other. I'll get into that in a minute.

When I was six, I tried to kill myself by jumping in front of a car. I wasn't really depressed for all I remember from that age, but a divorce hit me hard enough, unlike the car. I don't even know why I was like that at such an early age, but what can ya do.
When I was twelve, in 7th grade I was diagnosed with minor depression, but of course no one in my family took any notice to it. I started cutting. It was on my left arm and I was too scared in the beginning to go deep, so they never scarred. I was able to stop eventually considering how the depression was only minor and not too hard to fight off. That year was kind of a big blur though.

Once I got into high school, about 1/4 the way into freshman year I started getting really depressed and turned into the emo freak I am today. Not everyone who is depressed and stuff is emo but when my depression started picking up again and getting worse, I turned to music. I needed some loud-ish songs and the only ones I could think of were the four Pierce the Veil songs my old friend downloaded onto my phone years ago. They were my favorite for a while and I explored the world of similar genres of music. Then one band tee after another, I became drawn to the style.

My anxiety and depression spiked. I started cutting again, but this time on my right thigh right above the knee, because I learned from last time that my arms were too vulnerable of being seen. I also cut deeper and more frequently. I took up other forms of self-harm that year as well, like hitting myself, punching brick walls, scratching in a way that looked like cuts, bruising myself, and occasionally finding comfort when some people hit me. The pain was a temporary escape that made you feel like if you couldn't control your life and surroundings, at least you could control the pain you had. It was always basically my modo that no one could ever hurt me more than I hurt myself. I became suicidal and attempted suicide three times. All of freshman year, no one ever knew about my self-harm or suicidal thoughts and attempts. But what did I ever expect? What people would I tell? One of the friends that I totally have?

I don't exactly want to kill myself anymore. I still think about what it would be like if I was dead and gone from this wretched, lying world. But I had some goals to complete before I commit, even though I tried to before accomplishing my goals anyway. It was to get my dream carrier someday whatever it may be, find love, and finish anything on my "bucket list" such as meeting Brendon Urie, going to concerts, etc. Probably shouldn't hope too hard though. I had some things to live for, granted they were only hopes and dreams, so I didn't really want to die, or live. This world sucks ass and most people are pretty fucking aware of that. Maybe a coma would be nice. It wouldn't fix much, but you wouldn't have to deal with anything for a while. I've seen how heartless the world can be. And I usually don't want any part of it.

Back on the family topic, I later learned things like when my dad had abused my mother before the divorce. He would have her take me to some daycare nearby and do it when she got home. He was passive aggressive, verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive, also a coward. When he got drunk he would beat me and when he would try to touch me I would cringe and immediately brush it off after he turned his back. He made me angry for even just having a presence in the room. What I hate most is when people send me too many mixed signals. He and my brother both do that all too often. I never knew if they were going to scream at me, tell me all the things wrong with me and what they wish were different, try to be nice or trustworthy, and the list goes on. My mother was stronger than him, but was always caught up in trying to compensate for his lack of being a good parent. Then one day she left. There was a big fight and later took care of the divorce papers. She couldn't bare the thoughts of how much of a wreck our family had become and how I was out of her control to be fixed.
I can't be fixed.

The older brother I mentioned is named Jake. He is easily my dad's favorite because he actually talks to him. Jake doesn't always agree with him, but the two of them share some likenesses in an awkward, manipulative, and abusive personality and tend to yell at me for anything that can make me feel inferior to them. Jake abuses me as well. Most people don't consider a sibling hitting their sibling abuse because most siblings fight physically. It happens in most families. But something about this is different. He doesn't seem to do it in a mad sibling way. Just think of it as if it was a parent abusing their child, but instead of being a parent, they're a brother. It's kind of hard to explain, but my gut feeling tells me it's not you're normal sibling rivalry.
I have no one to really go to for anything. I have no one at home which is pretty obvious, I have no friends in school, now add a shit ton of trust issues from past traumas onto that which leaves me pretty lonely.

I ditch class to go to the park that's in walking distance of the school and my house, I get shit grades, I'm antisocial as fuck, and who would willingly hang out with that one depressed kid that has no one.

All the rest of what you would need to know about me it's that I'm 15, a sophomore in high school, closeted gay, I like to draw and play piano (in hopes that I don't suck), and believe that no outfit is complete without being mostly black and having some band name anywhere on it.

I live in a dark grey house deep into the neighborhood. We have the shittiest house on the block but what do you expect from a lazy ass parent who only mows the lawn like once a month. It's not like we exactly have people over often. Just Jake's friends who bully the hell out of me for everything.

Sophomore year started a few weeks ago. I'm just as lonely and just as fucked up as last year. Tomorrow all the kids that go to my school get to wake up to another bullshit 12 hours of the day. Hell yeah.