Begin Again | On Hold

06 | dor

06

D O R » a deep nostalgic feeling of sadness, agony and emptiness experienced upon intensely longing, missing and yearning for something or someone.

VIRAT

I never expected to spend my afternoon on a wheelchair, staring at the door in the wait for someone. As corny as it sounded, the idea of meeting Anushka again and again, which seemed dreadful before now seemed like a breath I wanted to inhale in more than ever. Her presence in my life was like a breeze of fresh air which I could always cherish when it caressed my skin.

It had been two days since she last came. The first day in her absence was spent in concern because right before that, she had a terrible fall from the tree. But now, I didn't feel concerned. I felt exasperated in fact, because she had not been answering my calls at all.

It felt like a change of weather without her.

I always thought of myself as being that person who didn't really care about things that mattered to most people - like someone's absence. But today, I finally felt like sharing my thoughts with someone whose key fits my lock - sharing those anecdotes and thoughts and words with someone who's as fragmentary as me, and she wasn't here. I was startled when I realized I was beginning to miss the stains of coffee which she used to leave around on the mahogany table instead of using the coaster.

I stared at the moist cup of coffee now feeling how everything has intensely magnified in the darkness with the curtains closed - the ticking of clock, the collective breathing of the entire world, the soft sounds of material clinking against each other. This was what loneliness meant; I had chosen it when my mom was asking me to continue staying in Delhi. Because I couldn't let her suffer along with me, didn't want her to see me just as a breathing, overly-dependent object.

Before I could let myself suck in more into the vortex of darkness, I heard the door slightly creaking open. I suddenly couldn't breathe, wondering if it was Anushka. What was she doing here? Did she come here out of symp -

"- Virat bhai?"

It was Vinay. Mom used to tell me that whenever your head rings, it's because someone is missing you.

I guess, my head rings only because it's broken.

"Yeah?" I asked, feeling unsettled. I had to meet Anushka once, just once. "Whatever you want to say can wait, Vinu. I really want to meet Anushka. Please can we go to Life Beat today?"

A visibly small smile lingered on his face for a fleeting moment. "Of course." He grabs the car keys kept on the desk, while I wheeled myself towards the door. Vinay then carefully pushes the wheelchair at the porch, and after a lot of effort I headed outside.

I could feel my skin bask with warmth feeling under the sun. From inside the home, the sun always felt so static - just like a tangible photograph. When we're at the edge of the car, Vinay just looked at me wordlessly. I gave him a silent nod, and he helped me get into the front seat effortlessly, the six feet, few inches guy was all muscles after all. He took a round to the other side of the car, and got in immediately.

When we drive past the buildings and the busy streets, a small smile played onto my lips knowing that Anushka's ears must ring a lot too, not because she was broken like me.

It was only because I thought about her more than I actually breathed.

°°°

Vinay took me past corridors to Dr. Shekhar's cabin where Anushka usually resided being a junior resident doctor. When we are at the edge of the door, I gave Vinay a silent nod. From here, I was going to go alone.