Begin Again | On Hold

11 | fanaa

FLASHFORWARD (from two years from present)

Anushka used to have eighteen years of Delhi in her veins, and five years of Mumbai in her arteries, but now, she's full of a consuming all-nowhere; a blackhole of void taking her nowhere. She thought to change it sometime soon, and she thought London it could be.

She could never thought it was so difficult to get over someone - but the pain, it always started with the happy memories. Happy memories of Virat and Natasha. Her smile. His smile. Of what-could-have-beens and if-onlys which made her warm and sultry.

And then there was a snap, the end flashing in front of her eyes.

It was like the pain wouldn't stop until she fell asleep. And once she was asleep, everything was warm once again. It was almost reverse nightmare, the kind of relief she felt when Sahil woke her up from the terrible nightmares. While awake, she could see her life crashing and burning with the demons on the run. What to do when you're living your worst nightmare with the lurking demons set free?

Her hand traced the woody texture of the table when I saw the doctor into the eye. "Are you sure, Anushka?" There was nothing in her stomach to dispel but the stomach bile did rose to her throat.

There was not a single ounce of hesitation in her eyes when she spoke. She had made her mind. "Yes. Absolutely. I want to forget everything about him and Natasha. Every single thing."

The doctor sighed. "You know hypnotherapy doesn't work that way, don't you? I can't make you forget a person, I can only manipulate the memories of them in your mind."

"Do anything but please make me forget that I ever loved him. That I still love him." Anushka's voice came along a painful whisper. Her physical wounds were gone. But there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds, the ones she couldn't get rid of.

She  wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing. She was going to manipulate all the memories of him, of them, and she knew it sounded so horribly selfish. 

She wants to forget them.

Things would've been so different if Virat had been here with her all along, helping her to get over the trauma. But when she was on her own with PSTD, she knew she was going to be reckless. And this was the only way to cope up with everything for the people for whom she mattered.

The doctor guided her to the seat where she comfortably slipped into. "Now Anushka, close your eyes." she knew how all of it worked, my conscious mind would fall numb, and he would use my sub-conscious mind to manipulate the memories.

She felt a tug yet again in the pit of my stomach. This wasn't the right thing to do. She closed my eyes. "Now take a deep breath."

Anushka took a deep breath. This wasn't the right thing to do. "Hold my hand. Press onto it."

This wasn't the right thing to do. But still, Anushka did it anyway. The touch wasn't familiar at all, so she tensed up a little. Couldn't it be him holding her hand instead? Anushka wondered.

"Every muscle in your body is tensed up, Anushka. You miss him, don't you?"

Anushka bit back her tears, her eyes scrunching in clear agony as yelled with her eyes still closed, "No!" 

"Relax . . ." He rested his palm on her hand using his other arm, and Anushka tried to relax her staggering breath. "Feel every muscle in your body. From the muscles in your scalp to the ones in your toes. Calm the inner fidgeting, Anushka."  

 With each exhalation she released stored-up tension and anxiety; with each inhalation she relaxed even more. After several minutes of this, he told her to visualize her muscles progressively relaxing, beginning with her facial muscles and jaw, then her neck and shoulders, her arms, back and stomach muscles, and finally her legs. Her stiffened posture in the chair relaxed as she leaned in more comfortably in the chair. She felt her entire body sinking deeper and deeper into the couch.