Begin Again | On Hold

14 | magoa

14 

M A G O A » a heart-breaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions.

[inside of me

you won't fade;

inside of you

i will fade]

VIRAT

Every breath I took reminded me of her. It was just impossible to not miss Anushka Sharma like crazy. Especially when at some point you had planned your entire life together, and you actually saw it through your eyes.

No matter if she had turned my life upside down, my heart just couldn't stop loving her; not even for a fleeting moment. Especially after knowing the kind of person she had grown into, after the worst side of hers. Doesn't matter how much the worst side of hers had hurt me and my whole family.

Even if the selfishness of the human heart did exceed, and saw a future with her, somehow I knew, watching my mom and her together would wash guilt over me all over again. So it was better to live without her, hurting myself every day a little than being caught in a black hole.

But what's the point? Anushka still clawed through my skin, and still spat fire. And the plumes of the incandescent memories still left me breathless.

"It's too much of a starry night for suicide," I heard a voice coming from the back. I was standing too close to the railing, staring at the mystical ocean of North Carolina.

A smile automatically lit up my face knowing it was Natasha. I turned to see her standing beside me. Only a week ago, she was crying so hard that she had popped a blood vessel in her brain.

"You're the one dying," I told her. She looked away, but it still hurt. I just hoped it didn't ignite another fit of hysterical sobbing, so much that it eats another part of brain, half already eaten away by cancer.

I walked towards her, holding her in my arms, trying to keep from being grounded. "Do y'know that flying in this condition will only worsen it?" 

It was only a week before I had booked our flight tickets to India, because Natasha wanted to visit her parents for one last time. On the other hand, I wanted to go for the fitness tests to reclaim my spot in the team. But after that incident, I was just scared that maybe flying would worsen Natasha's already deteriorating condition.

"I don't want to die and end up being nothing, Virat. The only reason I came here was to prevent the course of dying but this is inevitable." She told me, but I still didn't buy it. "I know you think I was selfish in keeping everyone in dark about my condition, but deep down you also know how this works, don't you? When you care about someone more than you thought you ever could—beyond your emotional threshold—you just manifest their every burden upon yourself." 

I could only nod because I understood how exactly this felt like. Caring for someone so much that you agree to hurt yourself.

"I understand, Natasha. And we're together in this, okay?" I smiled at her, my arm slipping down so that I hold her in bridal style. "I'll get you to your room, and you get going so that we're all ready to fly." 

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Natasha asked, her eyes slightly moistened. It still hurt how she was only reduced to she and her, but I was still happy that she was alive in my world; not just a handful of stardust symbolizing the forgotten.