Luke

February 9 - Waking Up

February 9, 2018
Evening

After a long sleep,  I was able to recover from what I did. I was stubborn, I don't know what I was doing, I almost got myself killed but that was what I want at first, I want to end life, my life, and escape reality for a moment, perhaps forever. I did what I wanted to do, to end life. I guess that's what I want, not theirs.

After the incident, I woke dizzy and unable to picture clearly where I am. Everything's white, "Am I dead?", that was what I thought back then, I can feel myself lying on something flat with a soft thing behind my head, I move my head but barely able to manage an inch, the pain was there, I can feel it in my neck. Then it hit me, I remember what I just did. I thought I was dead, but sadly I'm mistaken. Thoughts are decieving though unless proven. I'm in a room, looking around, picturing a person laying his head and arms near my stomach. I recognized him, no, her. Grace. It's Grace. I wanted to touch her, to feel her, to let her know that I am here, here with her, or it's the other way 'round. It may be that she's here telling me that she is here despite what I did. Despite who I am. I can barely able to move my fingers. She feel it, I know she does for she is holding my left hand near her face. I can feel the dampness of it, she'd been crying in my hand. She moved slowly and looked at me. Those round, watery eyes, in state of shock, I am too. After knowing I'm awake, she hugged me at that very moment but not totally hugging me for she was not able to lift my back, she'd just pressed her face on mine, she cried, not with sorrow but with joy. And then she let go of me, of hugging me, I look at her, then she smiled with tears, I smiled back, who would not? Her smile is contagious. Once you encounter her smile, you can't hide yourself but to smile also, unless you have a deep hatred on her. Ok, the last line was a joke, no one hates her,  she's too loving, too gracious ( I guess that was what her name implies), too kind, too... too awesome to have as a friend.

"Langya ka!" no, I'm not joking, that was what she said as far as I can recall. "Pinag worry mo kami ng sobra. Pero anyways, forget about worrying, we were glad and gleaming with joy when the doctor said that you'll be ok and there's no need to worry, sabi nya na hayaan ka na lang naming mag rest and hintayin na gumising ka, and that was what we did, alam mo naman diba,  masunurin akong bata!" she smiled with giggle effect pa, ang corny lang eh no?

Hospital, that was what I guess when I scanned the room, the smell kills me, the area is white but it's so dull. The place looks like an abandoned heaven, people hates hospital, just the thought of it, its the place where the sick and the diseased stays, its the place where people mostly dies laying on a  hospital bed. Where people in agony exhaled their last breath and turn itself into fresh dead body.The memory kills me. I think about my mother.

The thought was cut off when Grace puts her index finger on my forehead.

"Hoy, ang cute mo talaga pag tulala ka, para kang aso." But I only look at her with confusion.

How come I was laying in this hospital bed when supposedly I'm in the basement in our house hanging on rope. Dead. But who? Who saved me? I look at her with curiosity. She did not understand at first but then he uttered her words.

"Kaw naman eh, bat mo kasi ginawa yun? Buti na lang nailigtas ka ng tatay mo."

Dad saved me? Tell me it's a joke.

"I'm not joking, your dad saved you!"

Hoy Grace, kailan ka pa natuto magbasa ng iniisip ng iba?

"Impossible." That was the first word I uttered on that hospital room.

Today, I am at home laying in my bed and writing this experience as I recall what happened when I woke up on that hospital room. Grace was there. It was midnight.
It was only during 6 AM when I witnessed the face of my father in my second life. His face is weary but he cried the moment he saw me awake (and alive). He hug me. He just cried and I feel myself crying too. Can't help it. Can't help my tears. He loved me, I know he does.

Waking up is a nice feeling after all, knowing you've survived and is alive after an incident which almost killed me. My thoughts is killing me, and it's brutal.
Depression is not an easy thing to deal with. It affects you. I did not overcome but I survived through them.
Waking up is a nice feeling after all.
Waking up.

- luke