Touched by the Fear

[7]

Lowering herself onto the porch steps, Hollis breathed in the cool night air. It felt nice to get out of the stuffy, overcrowded interior. She didn't want to think about the hurtful words that Carter had said, the words that left a scar on her heart. But that's exactly what crossed her mind. She blinked back the tears that she had held in but a few spilled out and ran down her face. Hollis wiped them away with her hand as she let out a shaky breath.

She wrapped her arms around her legs and placed her head on her knees. Closing her eyes, she listened to the rhythmic beat of the music indoors. We can't rewind now; we've gone too far, she sang in her head along to the song that played inside. As she went through the lyrics, the troublesome thoughts slowly left her mind.

The volume of the party increased as the door behind her opened, and the voices and laughter of everyone inside spilled out. She lost the next song that started but she didn't bother straining to hear what it was.

The presence of someone standing next to her caused her to open her eyes and glance up. Her eyes met Stiles, who shifted his weight from one foot to the other. She offered him a smile, which seemed to ease the nervousness he felt.

"I wanted to see if you were ok," he started. Upon seeing the confused look on her face, Stiles continued. "I heard your fight with Carter. I mean, I didn't hear it since I was across the room but I, you know, saw it." His arms, which had been moving the entire time he spoke, were now shoved into his pockets. "So, are you ok? You looked upset. You still do." Genuine concern crossed his face as he stared down at her.

Hollis lifted her head off of her knees and nodded. "Yeah, I'm ok. Thanks, Stiles."

As he nodded to her reply, she slid over on the stairs to make room for him. Noticing this, he sat down beside her. "So, why aren't you inside?"

"I'm avoiding Carter. He's in there, and I can't see him right now," Hollis answered. "But to be honest, coming to the party was kind of a mistake. I wasn't ready for all this."

"I get it," Stiles said.

Hollis looked towards him, surprised. "You do?"

"Yeah. When I lost my mom, it was hard leaving the house, and I used to get these panic attacks after," he admitted somewhat sheepishly.

"I wish I'd known that. I'm sorry," Hollis said gently. She played with her necklace, contemplating her next words. "I get them, too. The panic attacks, I mean." She raised her eyes to his but he stayed quiet and waited for her to continue. "They started when my dad left and my stepdad taught me these breathing techniques. It helped but, lately...." She shrugged and shook her head. "I don't know, they just seem to happen more. They're harder to control."

Hollis never spoke of her panic attacks. She liked to keep them to herself, away from the judgment of others. But she felt ok telling Stiles about them. She knew that he would understand, that he wouldn't judge her or brush it off like several people did.

"I've had bad ones," Stiles told honestly. "They suck."

She nodded in agreement. "Other than the panic attacks, I just don't seem to be able to have fun anymore. I go out sometimes but right when I start to enjoy myself I feel..." she shrugged, unsure of how to describe it.

"Guilty?" Stiles asked, saying the word that had been at the tip of her tongue.

Turning her attention back to him, she nodded.

"Like you can't have fun because they're not around anymore. As if moving on with your life is like you're forgetting them and that's not right."

Hollis stared at him in awe. Stiles had just voiced everything that she had been thinking and feeling for the past few months.