What is it like to fall in love with someone?
What is like to truly be in love with someone? That I'm not sure of. But then again, I'm not sure of a lot of things. Things like the weather, my future, my emotions. How long I could've kept going, how long I could've stayed silent.
Before, I wanted to be mute. I always wanted to be an introvert. To just shut up and live life through the ears and the eyes instead of the mouth. What was it like for those people who don't talk or smile? Those people who to me, were just freaks. I didn't know and I was curious.
But I know why they were like that now. I shouldn't have been curious. I shouldn't have been calling them freaks. I shouldn't have been so ignorant. I shouldn't have wondered. I should've seen the truth earlier.
Those people, those mute "freaks," they did not smile. Did not laugh. Did not talk.
Because they had no reason to.
And I paid the price for wanting to be one of them. I paid the price for being ignorant. I paid the price for having the perfect life, the rich girl attitude, the popularity.
I became one of them.
Would you believe it if I told you that I used to be very talkative? Very popular, with lots of friends and the prettiest smile of all of them? Probably not. Or may be you do.
I used to be the perfect girl, living the perfect life. I was the prettiest of the pretty, the most beautiful of the beautiful, the queen rose of the garden. I was rich, super rich, and had links to idols. I was scouted by S.M. Entertainment. My parents were famous and had great authority over the society, I had tons of friends. The latest clothing, trends, everything was at my fingertips. I was granted every wish I whispered. I wore twelve carat earrings everyday.
And then it all changed one day.
I lost everything. Everything. But the money.
What I had come to know as happiness, as my happiness, I had realized was all fake.
I couldn't go anywhere in life.
What I had come to know as happiness, was not real happiness. Was not the happiness I wanted.
It was the happiness others had created for me.
Do you create your own happiness? Your own contentment? Your own future?
I had always been so sure of what I wanted in life. To marry someone handsome, to continue the bloodline in the lines of rich and respected family.
But that wasn't what I wanted. Not now, not ever.
The future I had believed was meant for me now seemed like a black and white picture. Like a picture you drew in kindergarten that you'd forgotten the meaning of. Like how when you see a toy you so desperately wanted when you were younger but you laugh at yourself now. For being so young. So immature.
So gullible.
When I was brought to this academy, I had gone from that perfect girl to a girl frozen in the past, unable to chisel herself out of that ice. And I accepted that. I accepted the fact that I could never be the same again. I laid the ax down and just sat in that encasememt of ice.
But now I don't want to.
This isn't a cliche love story. My life isn't a cliche love story about how an introvert girl who doesn't talk until she meets a handsome boy who gets her to talk, they fall in love and get married. No, that isn't it.but I wish it was. That way, I could see my future as an happy ending. But I know for a fact, that it's not going to happen.
So don't get your hopes up.
I seem like a troublesome girl. And I am. I'm too weak to care about not being able to get up again and smile. I'm too weak to stand up against society. I'm too weak to take back what is rightfully mine. I'm just a puppet.
What does it mean to save? To rescue? To be a rescuer? To be someone who changes the life of someone? I'd never know, and I don't think I'll ever know.
I've always thought of myself as the one who needed to be rescued. And why is that? Why is that I can't be the rescuer? The answer is simple.
I don't deserve to be one.
I'm pathetic. I'm stupid. I'm not someone who has the mindset to save. To help. I'm just, to the bottom line, a pathetic girl who can't handle her own life. Who resides in shutting up and not talking, who resides to watering flowers and living a quiet life.
You must think I'm stupid. That I shouldn't live like this.
My past is probably really traumatic, you think. I must've been scarred really bad. No, that's not it.
I was burned. My life has been burned to the bone. There's nothing left but the remains. To traumatize, something must've happened to me. That again, is not true. Not at all.
I was the cause of that something.
