The Quarterback's Girl

Chapter 13

I stared at the brown envelope. I stopped at the doctors office today to pick up the ultrasound picture, and I had yet to open up the file.

"Cass?" Nate's gentle voice snapped me out of my thoughts. He was treating me like glass; like I would break if he spoke too loud. "Want me to open it?"

"No, no. I can do it." I gingerly reached out with a shaking hand and opened the envelope. I slowly reached in, grabbed the stack of papers, and set it facedown on the table. "I don't want to look."

"I do." I looked at Nate in surprise.

"You do?"

"Yeah. It would kill me to not know what it looked like before.. you know." He shrugged and ran and hand through his hair.

I didn't reply, I just turned the paper over. I heard Nate inhale sharply from behind me.

In all actuality, it was really nothing. It was just a small white blob in a sea of black. But.. there it was.

"Its.. like a bean." Nate whispered in surprise.

"Yeah. Like a bean." I ran a fingernail across the paper. "A little bean." I stole a quick glance at Nate's face. It was.. glowing. Glowing with something I couldn't place. His eyes were bright and there was the beginnings of a smile on his lips.

I tightened my own lips and messily shoved the papers back in the envelope, and that smile on Nate's face flattened into a hard line. "Well that's that. I'll go reschedule right now."

I took a seat at the dinner table and Nate sat down in the chair next to mine. For a while, we just sat there, enveloped in our own thoughts. After a few minutes he said, "Are you scared?"

The question surprised me so much that I blinked. "Terrified."

He just nodded, his mouth set in a grim line.

And that was the end of the conversation.

***

This time it was different. The atmosphere was different. The bed seemed less comfortable. There was no music playing softly. It was too hot and too cold all at once. I was sweating and shivering at the same time.

"Alrighty. You're all set up. The doctor should be in here soon." A petite nurse gave me a warm smile and started out the door.

"Wait," she paused and looked at me questioningly. "Can you talk to me for a little bit? I'm a little nervous."

"Most women your age are." She laughed and took a seat in the stool.

"Do you get a lot of them? People my age?"

"Oh, of course. Most of them are teenagers looking for a way out of their pregnancy. Most of them are surprised at how easy the process is."

"What exactly is the process? What are they going to do?"

"Well, we're going to do an aspiration abortion. It's very, very safe. We're going to numb you a little bit, stick a needle into your uterus, and suck out the contents. And bye bye, baby!" She laughed. "You won't feel a thing. It'll be over in fifteen minutes."

"Right," My heart pounded and my breath quickened. "Easy peasy."

She exited the room and came back a few moments later with the same doctor from before. "Hi, Cassie. Welcome back. How are you today?"

"Uh, hi. I'm okay, just nervous." I fidgeted.

"It's normal for someone your age to be. I trust Holly told you the process?" More people came in lugging heavy machinery. I tried not to stare at all the heavy duty equipment.

"Yes she did."

"Well, okay then. We'll get started in just a little while." Everyone exited the room and I was left alone.

The only sound to keep me company was the ticking of the clock.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

I couldn't do this.

Yes I could.

No I couldn't.

Yes. I would do it.

"You can do this, Cassie. Think of Nate, think of Nana and Papaw." But no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down, my breath became more ragged by the minute. My heart was beating out of my chest. The clock was as loud as a bomb going off every second.

"I can't do this." I stood up quickly and took my feet out of the stirrups. I shrugged off my gown and slipped on my dress and flip flops. As I was exiting, the doctor and nurses appeared in the doorway.

"Cassie? Have you changed your mind?" The doctor asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

"Yes. I have." I pushed past them all and fished for my keys in my purse.

"Cassie, wait! We have paperwork to fill out." The nurse called out to me.

"I don't care. I don't care. I don't dare. Just leave me alone." I glared back at them all and tried to ignore their shocked faces.

I reached my car and sat heavily in the seat. For minutes I sat there in complete quiet. I dialed a number. "Nate?" I whispered.

"Cass? Are you at your appointment?" His voice cracked something inside me and I immediately broke out into sobs that racked my entire body.

"I couldn't do it, Nate, I'm so sorry!" I sobbed. "I'm so sorry, I can't! I can't kill my baby. I can't do it."

"Cassie, listen to me." His voice was clear and calm, no trace of any emotion to what I just said to him. "Meet me at the park."

"O-ok." I hiccuped. Still crying, I drove to the park and somehow got the courage to get to my feet and walk to our bench.

The minute I saw his messy blonde hair I started crying again. I sat next to him and he put an arm around me and said nothing. "You can be mad. It's okay. But I can't kill this baby. We'll do whatever we have to do, put it up for adoption, whatever, but I just can't."

He said nothing for minutes. All he did was stare at that lavender field. "Do you know the first time I realized I loved you?"

I stared at him in surprise. That's not what I expected him to say. "When?"

"It was at Kate's 16th birthday party." I remembered that night. It was probably nine months after Nate and I started dating.

"I had said I love you a while before that, but it was just routine, you know. I felt like I had to. I liked you a lot, but I didn't feel the absolute rightness. Like right now." He gave me a small smile. "Everyone was drunk off their asses, and you were the one to take care of everyone. After Malaki threw up on the floor, you cleaned him up and wiped the floor. You took everyone who blacked out and put them somewhere to sleep. You just took care of everyone. You weren't angry about it, or annoyed. You did it no questions asked, because you cared for all of them."

"I was supposed to be sober with you, but I lost control." He looked down at his lap. "Even though I was faded as all hell, you never raised your voice or showed how angry you were."

That night, as the only sober one there, I never once thought it was a chore taking care of everyone. I did it because my friends needed my help.

"When you were rolling me into a sleeping bag and putting me on my side in case I threw up, I was looking at you so deeply. I think you were so tired that you didn't notice. But I'm telling you now, that when I looked at you, you were the most beautiful human I've ever laid eyes on. And I loved you. And here we are."

Tears welled up in my eyes again and I wiped them away with the back of my hand. "Nate." I whispered

"You're going to make a great nurse, Cassie." He kissed the top of my head. "And I'm happy to have this baby with you."

After that, I stopped crying.