distance ➼ ajm [in editing]

10

AJ

"Because I Had You"

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I arrive in the parking lot of the church, the church we could have gotten married at some time in the future, but now we weren't. I don't care to look up. I'm wearing the suit she helped pick out for me to wear to her prom. But now instead I was wearing it to her funeral. I open the door of the car and step out, suddenly I couldn't breathe. I didn't notice I was no longer standing but sitting on the ground by the side of the car with tears streaming down my face until my mom's face came into view. It all became real, too fast.

"Honey. Oh, honey, I know." She says hugging me, I grip her tightly in fear she'll slip away from me too. "I loved her, I really loved her." I croak out. Suddenly I see her dad, he's crouching at my level, telling my mom he's got me and my mom steps aside walking in with my dad.

"She's waiting for you." He says quietly, "You know she is." He says his voice also on the verge of breaking.

"I can't, I can't," I say struggling to stop my tears. He nods. "It's okay to cry. Ya know, she told me how on touch you were with your emotions... one of the many qualities she adored of you." He says sitting beside me. 

"You know, she didn't let go until you were there. Until you were right by her side. We both know how stubborn she was." He says chuckling slightly. 

"I know it's hard for you, but we have to put on a brave face for her. It's the least she deserves" He continues, I nod, closing my eyes and tilting my head up to the sky.

"Let's go in there, let everyone says their sorries and when its all said and done we can cry and break down and be angry, but right now she needs us." he says, "It's your choice I won't force you in there, but," he continues getting up, "I know shhe wants to see you," I open my eyes and nod at him, he holds out his hand for me and I take it. He pulls me up and puts a hand on my shoulder patting it. 

I wipe my tears and we walk in. He's immediately greeted by people from her school,  peers, teachers, strangers who probably only knew her name if even that, but were only there for the sole purpose of having a better conscience. 

I sit with her family in the front row, along with my parents. The service goes by quickly, and finally, the priest announces it's ending, and the procession to the burial.

"At the family's request, the burial is closed to only close friends and family." The priest says, his voice echoing the eerily silent room. People come and say their final goodbyes to her and apologize to us. 

I get up to follow everyone out,  I stop her parents before we all walk out, "Um. Can I say goodbye one on one before we go to the cemetery?" I ask. Her mom smiles softly and nods, "Of course," I nod. 

"Thank you," I reply, her dad nods, "We'll tell your parent's you'll be right out," He says before leaving me. I look back at her and make my way over, I kneel down over the kneeler. 

Her usually warm glow was now stricken, the makeup used to make her look more lively made her look more dead if anything. 

"Hey love," I greet her, I grab a tissue from a box nearby and wipe some of the makeup off her face. "That's better," I say softly. 

I reach in carefully, and adjust her hair, tucking a stand behind her ear like I always would, "I think it's time that I'd be honest... Should've told you not to go," I say softly. 

"I wished I had just had made us public, I'm sorry. I loved you, I still love you. I just I don't know...Thought I knew just what I wanted, I didn't know myself at all... You're with somebody I can't be, yeah God wanted one of his angels back I guess. But I can tell that you're happy," I say again. My hand rests carefully on top of hers. It was cold, but I was determined to warm it up.

"It's time for me to finally meet somebody new, I know you'd want me to move on... and I'd take her to all the places that I took us to... and she might help me forget, but loving her is something I could never do...Because I had... because I had you." I try and swallow the knot forming in my throat, trying my best not to lose it. 

"I remember when I told you that you and I will go down in history together, yeah, well I still promise that, I'll always remember you," I say I remain silent for a moment. "And does your sister ask about me?" I ask remembering she was now reunited with her older sister, who had died before she was even born, I smile at the thought of her and her sister talking about me, and who I was. 

"And you and I, what we had, is it gone forever?" I ask looking down at her. " You're with somebody I can't be... I kinda wish I was in your sister's place, up there with you... But I can tell that you're happy... I bet you two are watching Mama Mia or something." I say smiling at the thought of how obsessed she was with that movie.

"I know you keep giving me signs. I keep walking, keep talking to every cute girl I see ya know. But I want the girl you used to be,  but then again maybe it's time for me to finally meet somebody new... and take her to all the places that I took us to.... and she might help me forget..."

I look at her, "But loving her is something I could never do... because I had...because I had you. You were, are, my everything." I say.

"There's nothin', no there's nothin' left to lose. Because I had you, babe. There's nothin'. Nothin' that I could do. I wish I had you." I say feeling a few tears slip down my face. 

"But I think it's time I finally found somebody new...And tell me that she's the one that get me through... And she might help me forget... But loving her is something I just couldn't do...Because I had you." I lean over and kissing her lips one last time. 

"I wish I still had you, cause I'd never let you go." 

xxx

a/n: It's legit 3 am and I'm about to cry because of this fvckkkkk

Epilogue next.