Sew Me Up

The Ball (part 2)

I sink my teeth into my bottom lip as I feel tears well up in my eyes. Shit shit shit. I can't mess up my mask, I turn on my heel and walk away. I have to find Selena, I have to find someone or somewhere to hide.

Why does this hurt so much?

Because you love him.

How can I love someone I don't even know?

You don't need to know someone's middle name to love them.

I can't love him, he isn't mine, never was.

Are you sure?

I push my thoughts to the back of my head, I can't breathe, it feels like the world is caving in. I thought this was supposed to happen when we broke up or when I stopped talking to him. Whatever you want to call it. I thought I was supposed to feel every stone on my heart and all the weight of every loss I've ever had when I left.

That's why I'm feeling this now, this is my karma, the world's way of getting Justin his revenge on me. I left him and now I'm paying for it, but did it have to be with Alexis, the one person who has wrecked almost everything for me since I was twelve? I guess so.

I still feel my head swirling and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to leave. I want to leave this stupid ball, fuck my plan, I want out. I want out of New York, I want out of everything I've ever got from here and go somewhere else. I want a do-over before everything hit the fan.

But I can't leave. I've got something to prove. I have to show the world that Julia Roy isn't sitting on the bench anymore, she's ready to play ball. She's ready to win, and won't take anything else.

I release my lip before I bit any harder and bite it. I take a breathe and straighten up.

I got this.

This is mine. Really mine.

I thought you needed someone to claim, call them mine, but you don't. You don't need someone to make you understand that you can have something and not have it taken away. You don't need to be in love to know what you are worth, to know what you're capable of. People are meant to recognize that in you, but not bring it out in you. That is your job.

The tears don't fall, and neither shall I.

As I lean against another wall, far away from the hallway, I spot Selena sitting at her table. She is of course in the dark, her phone illuminating her face. I walk over to her, setting my empty champagne on a passing waiters tray. I stand next to her until she looks up at me and almost jumps.

"How long have you been there?" she asks and I shrug.

"Long enough to know that you watch too many slime videos," I tell her as I sit next to her.

Selena makes an embarrassed face, "They're satisfying," she mumbles.

"Sure," I tell her and lean against my chair and people watch. I'm a little shocked, nobody was treating this event like a club. Everyone was either sitting or up and chatting. Then there were the ones hiding in hallways, kissing. I blink hard.

Don't think about them.

"Hey, why are you being so quiet?" I hear Selena ask me, I want to shrug her off so I don't think.

"I saw him," I tell her before I could even stop myself, my thoughts cursing at me for it. I don't look at her, I know all I'll get is a pity face, and I don't need it.

"And?"

I twist my mouth, I don't want to say it. I really don't. This wasn't supposed to be 'Julia confronts her ex/whatever the hell he is with her evil stepsister'. No, it was meant to be a night of justice, no matter how cliche that sounds.